Last night at dinner I say to the
waiter.
“The letters on the menu got smaller and
I’m having trouble reading them.”
Of course I’m joking. I know that the
print didn’t shrink; it is my eyes that have changed. But the question is
omnipresent: what comes from outside ourselves and what from within?
Seeing ourselves clearly is not easy.
(I personally have erred on both sides, at times, over-estimating and
under-estimating my abilities in response to internal and external forces).
The brain can
deceive us in innumerable ways, from small to major. On the bodily level, a
person who has lost a limb may continue to experience pain in it, a phenomenon
known as the phantom limb syndrome.
Some of us are
oblivious to our bodies. We don’t realize when we gain or lose weight and must
rely on a scale. Some of us can’t
perceive our talent, like an artist who doesn’t believe the art critics’
positive reviews of her sculpture.
The great
Canadian pianist Glenn Gould (1922-82) wasn’t able to take in external praise.
He consistently dismissed the merit of his performances, developing alter egos
with which he wrote hostile reviews of his own performances. He had trouble
distinguishing hot from cold, wearing hat, coat and mittens in Sarasota,
Florida.
On the other
hand, some people organize their lives on the expectations and/or needs of
others, weighing the external feedback more than internal desire. They may find themselves at a loss when
those people no longer structure them.
(Some begin
psychotherapy to discover their more authentic voice.)
Margaret raised
9 children and organized her life around caring for them. After they grew up,
she struggled to establish a schedule and focus on interests of her own.
By contrast,
Jerry “intuited” from the age of 7, that he was an actor, His gift seemed to
come out of the blue since he was the first performer in his family.
The dilemma
begins early and continues throughout life. We operate in the context of the
dynamic interplay between who we think we are versus who others tell us/
reflect to us who they think we are.
If this sounds confusing, it is.
From infancy
we’re dependent on parents/caretakers to reflect a “good enough” (accurate) portrayal. The child psychiatrist, Daniel Stern
studied infant development from a relational point of view. In his seminal book
The Interpersonal World of the Infant
(1985) he describes interaction of caretaker and child (accurate versus
distorted mirroring) on the child’s perception and, in the case of
inaccuracies, the development of a false self.
Neuroscientists
assumed our higher brain centers, like the limbic system, that regulates emotion
and memory and connects the lower and higher brain functions, was responsible. But 14 years of
observing Roger, a 56 year old man who suffered brain damage secondary to an
episode of (herpes simplex) encephalitis, suggest otherwise. In spite of extensive disruption of the limbic system, he maintained an accurate picture of himself in many areas of
functioning. These researchers concluded that the location of self-perception
remains unknown.
In the face of
this complexity, we do well to remain flexible, aware of the conundrum, and the
need to sort out disparities.
Paradoxically,
we are trapped in the predicament. We need feedback from others (to know who we
are) and the messages we receive may lead us astray from our authenticity.
If we’re too
insulated from others’ opinions, we may miss opportunities for self-awareness
and growth. If we’re too vulnerable, we’re in danger of abandoning our
real/true self.
Conclusion: Each
of us exists in a precarious state, dependent on others to reflect who we
are. We fare well when we
integrate the messages from the outside world with the voice within that
directs us to follow our actualized self.
I am amazed at your energy, effort and computer savvy, not to mention your writing. Each entry is kind of like a mini-session that will inspire and tide me over during the months in Senior City.
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