Trump, Narcissism and Parenting

President Trump’s children seem dedicated to serve their father, who, on the surface, appears oblivious to the needs of others and seemingly obsessed with details that boost his ego. For me, these observations invite a discussion of narcissism and narcissistic parenting.

Complying with a rich powerful father doesn’t necessarily put a child at a disadvantage. But not all children of narcissistic parents fare as well as the Trump offspring.

(Self-disclosure: I had a father whose parenting showed narcissistic tendencies, and in rearing my children, I wasn’t free of narcissistic behavior either.)

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is defined as a mental disorder. A person suffering with this malady has an inflated sense of his own importance and a deep (and preoccupying) need for admiration coupled with a lack of empathy for others. A mask of appearances ( at times, even grandiose) hides a fragile ego that is especially vulnerable to criticism. As confident as he seems, his actions reveal that he lacks genuine self-esteem as a result of narcissistic parenting.

According to the literature at least 6% of the population has experienced clinical NPD from some angle at some point in their lives. Most of us have some narcissistic tendencies, and most parents don’t fall entirely into the extreme.

Often this psychological makeup causes problems in relationships, work, school, and financial affairs. When not granted the special favors or admiration they expect, people with NPD are unhappy and often find relationships unfulfilling.

Rather than condemning or judging the phenomenon, we best try to understand how this propensity is transmitted through the generations. One salient question can distinguish a narcissistic from a healthy interaction between parent and child. In a healthy interchange, a parent’s words show that he cares about his child’s wellbeing. He might say, “I want you to feel good about yourself.”

By contrast, a narcissistic exchange focuses on the quality of a child’s performance and accomplishments. For example, a parent might say,  “That wasn’t very good. What will my friends think?”

   

The young child finds this kind of parent(ing) confusing and unpredictable. Whether he realizes it or not, the child of a narcissist reflects and serves the parent; his or her development may be diverted from their natural inclination. For example, when a parent insists on choosing a child’s profession, the child may concede to please their powerful progenitor.

When my parents opposed my choice to become a psychiatrist, I became a pathologist. After I completed the board exams in pathology, I had the courage to begin a course of psychotherapy to examine the motivation behind my ongoing wish to study psychiatry. Once the therapist confirmed that my interest was genuine, I followed my true path. To recognize the narcissistic features in my own parenting took a few more years. But the journey has been fascinating.

Conclusion: Narcissists are bred, not born and in some cases, can learn the error of their ways and improve their relationships with others.  Positive parenting has the power to prevent narcissism.

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome. jsimon145@gmail.com.

Surviving in Our Orwellian Times

George Orwell’s mind-boggling novel 1984 has been produced as a play, currently running at the Hudson Theatre in NYC. At the suggestion of a friend, I saw it, and was surprised by the degree of violence I’d never witnessed on the stage before.

I asked myself why stage 1984 now? Published in 1949, Orwell’s novel was based on his experience of the totalitarianism. George Orwell  fought against Spanish dictator Franco in 1937, and ten years, later wrote, “Every line of serious work that I have written since 1936 has been written, directly or indirectly, against totalitarianism and for democratic socialism, as I know it.”

Orwell’s writing has become frighteningly relevant in 2017.

Donald Trump’s presidency, which at first appeared chaotic, when compared with other examples of authoritarianism, assumes a kind of order. Robert Reich, a Berkeley professor and the author of Saving Capitalism for the Many, not the Few, said, “Viewed through the lens of authoritarianism, Trump’s approach to governing is logical and coherent.”

Authoritarianism is a form of governing that values control over personal freedom, and seeks to concentrate power in the hands of a single “strongman.” Trump assails those who disagree with him. He doesn’t follow the rules that he dislikes and seeks to intimidate and discredit the press.

In Orwell’s novel, the pleasure of exercising power is emphasized in the relationship of Winston with his torturer, O’Brien. The Inner Party to which O’Brien belongs worships power for its own sake, and uses what it calls “reality control”   to eliminate “objective” truth, and subjugate  the citizens.

We have experienced how Trump and his team bend the truth to suit their goals and promulgate the term “fake news” to discredit facts (e.g.,   global warming and the need to protect the environment, among many other instances).

Many of us are shocked by the loss of democracy.

Families are split in a way we haven’t experienced before—accompanied by feelings of loss, sadness and isolation. We’ve witnessed the increasing numbers of hate crimes throughout the country spurred on by anger and rage inspired by Trump’s words and actions.

We ask, how long we will have to cope with this alien regime? Where will it lead? How long it will last? What will be the consequences?

We respond in various ways. Faced with fear, some of us have dreams or nightmares of being overtaken by a strong force.

To rationalize our bad behaviors we cite the president. “If the president can do such-and-such why can’t I.....”

 (In my blog of May 29, I’ve confessed how I rationalize my less-than-ideal behavior to use clichés.)

Here are some of the positive ways people are coping:

Mr. G. finds relief in tweeting about his disapproval of the president and his policies.

Ms. A. has confidence that the smart politicians in our country will remedy the situation soon and restore a democratic government.

Ms. K. focuses on the positive: In spite of her disdain for Trump, her portfolio of stocks is rising.

Ms. W. has a group of like-minded people with whom she can share her fears.

Mr. L. realized that he had to limit his exposure to the daily news after he became too upset to carry on his daily routine.

Mr. W. reads works of writers and thinkers who analyze the news and remain hopeful that the democratic underpinnings of our nation will triumph, and that order as we’ve it in the past will be restored.

Ms. T. focuses on the reporters who remind us of the bright side—that our Constitution was created with checks and balances to assure the separation of powers and prevent authoritarianism.

Conclusion: We do well to acknowledge the reality of our troubled time, to face our fears and resist paralysis. We can turn to avenues that give us confidence and faith that democracy will prevail.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your opinions. Please write: jsimon145@gmail.com