The Gift of Silent Listening

By adding the dimension of attention, the simple act of hearing can be elevated to listening, a skill that, according to the auditory neuroscientist Seth Horowitz, could be in decline. He outlines different types of listening: from the automatic, relatively simple, defensive, life-preserving response of a startle reaction to subtle interpretations involving our higher cortical neurons (The New York Times, November11, 2012, p. 10). Dr. Horowitz is concerned that, “in a world of digital distraction and information overload,” we are in danger of losing our ability to listen. 
 

Psychotherapists must learn to listen in a most profound sense, to know when and how to listen without speaking. 

This is not easy, because we have been conditioned to respond by speaking. Paradoxically, silence can be a gift greater than words, indicating deeper attention and understanding. 

  

For example, a daughter shares her troubles with her mother. She doesn't want to be told what to do. She may simply want her mother to listen as a receptive audience. The nod of a mother's head suffices to show she is present and caring. 

  

A correct and well-timed interpretation during an analytic treatment gives a sense of being physically held. Silence is a variation on this theme. To remain silent at poignant moments is a kind of containing, analogous to what pioneering psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott called a “holding environment,” as a mother embraces and comforts her infant. 

  

Similarly, our love for pets like dogs and horses may be explained by their silence: We feel listened to, understood and contained. 

  

Conclusion: With the focus on modern technology and rapid communication, the art of  listening is threatened and deserves our attention. Sorting out the differences between hearing  and  listening, and recognizing the varieties of  listening, can enhance our personhood and deepen our relationships.  


Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com

Admitting Mistakes

At some point in our lives, we’ve all made mistakes. Most of us agree that to err is human. Yet some people really can't admit that they are wrong about anything, seeming incapable of saying "I'm sorry." They seem oddly unperturbed by behavior that bothers others.

For example, a husband doesn't call his wife to say he'll be late for dinner. He doesn't apologize. She asks, "Why didn't you phone to tell me?"

"I didn't think you'd have your cell phone," he says.

The response angers because it implies that the person who has been inconvenienced has made the mistake.  

How to understand this blind spot?

These people may have been punished for minor transgressions in their childhood. They learned to defend themselves by denial or rationalization or displacement, blaming their circumstances or other people.

Admitting a mistake is appealing because it indicates that we accept responsibility, acknowledge our humanity and will try to improve. By contrast, a pseudo-apology is the case in which corrective action doesn't follow the words. In last week's blog, I refer to the play The Whale, in which a self-destructive man says he’s sorry several times, but fails to change the behavior for which he apologizes.

Conclusion: The ability to acknowledge our mistakes in a genuine way is a likeable trait. Raising children who can admit to being wrong (paradoxically) improves our chances to improve. 

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com

The Positive Spin on Self Love

Self-love has a bad reputation, especially since the decade of narcissism in the 1970’s. But what is self-love? Although a narcissistic person appears to love himself, he really cares about a glorified image of who he thinks he is or wants to be. Narcissism is a defense to guard against underlying feelings of inadequacy. Self indulgence, obsessive or excessive attention to appearance, the constant need for an audience are not signs of genuine love but investment in a false self, an image that can never be satisfied or satiated.  

When a person is grounded in his real self, he knows who he is. He isn’t desperate for others to admire him and keep him high on a pedestal.  He invests his resources in creative ventures, believing in them and enjoying his own process.

When we really love ourselves, we aren’t self-absorbed; we take care of our health by eating well and exercising. We work to lessen the stresses in our lives. We embrace a good work ethic, and we care about other people and our environment. Loving our real, problem-solving, creative self increases our energy and ability to give to others.

An example of the opposite of self-love-self-loathing-is portrayed in The Whale, the play currently being performed at Playwright’s Horizon on 42^nd St. Instead of grieving and healing himself after a major loss, a man becomes a food addict. His morbid obesity leaves him unable to care for himself, dependent on other people.  He apologizes constantly, but his words, “I’m sorry,” ring like empty echoes through a dark corridor. He cares neither about himself nor others who are only frustrated in their attempts to care for him. In the final analysis, no one can save someone who refuses to help himself.

Conclusion:  Loving ourselves in a “real” way gives us energy to give to others and implies we care about other people too.

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com

Our Power to Appreciate

Mother Nature is indiscriminate. What Hurricane Sandy destroyed, what she spared, was to a large extent, a matter of luck. Of course, houses and hospitals in the vicinity of rivers and oceans were more vulnerable. For the first time in the 275 year history, New York City’s flagship Bellevue Hospital was shut down. Patients had to be moved when fuel pumps for its backup generators failed and millions of gallons of water were pumped out of the basement.

 What lessons can be take from this devastation? Modern technology can tempt us to feel powerful and secure. Hurricane Sandy demonstrates that to a great degree we are subject to Mother Nature’s ways in spite of our brains and powerful computers.

That, of course, doesn’t stop us from continuing to try to outrun and outsmart her, but more than ever we need to live with an awareness of our vulnerability, with respect and awe for Mother Nature.

Conclusion: Technological advances can lull us into complacency and a sense of false security. We need to keep in mind the fragility of our existence and our vulnerability to Nature, and to realize the power we have to appreciate the positive of each moment.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com