What makes a Vacation?

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Vacation means freedom from the boss. I am my own boss but a hard-driving one, and I’m looking forward to escaping from her for ten or twelve days. Let’s see if I can leave her sufficiently behind to discover another, more lenient soul within myself. 

I’m already “over the hill,” so the fact that she is still relentless in her demands is strange. If I had better sense, I probably would not confess my foibles to you, dear reader.

Can I blame parental introjections, messages delivered by influential people in my life that echo in the deep resources of the mind? “You must do more. You must be more, learn more. Make the world a ‘better’ place.”

I really can’t blame anyone or anything. At my age, in my state of self-awareness, I realize the “ball is in my court.” If not now, never; and I believe taking responsibility for one’s self is a major goal that I pride myself on achieving, relatively speaking.

Dear Reader, As you go on vacation, what aspects of yourself do you prefer to leave at home?

What would you like to discover or develop within yourself?

Conclusion: As the world opens up new aspects to us, we also have the opportunity to discover ourselves in a new light.

Please respond to jsimon145@gmail.com.

Understanding Addiction

Addictions are the most common public mental health problem in the United States. Nearly anyone can become addicted; According to statistics cited by the Cleveland Clinic, 22 percent of the population will have a problem with substance misuse or abuse at some point in their lives. Some common addictions include abuse of food, alcohol, sex, drugs, money, stuff (hoarding), gambling, pornography, internet and video games. 

By definition, an addiction is a compulsive behavior, that interferes with relationships and/or career. Some develop their addictions in response to anxiety, which under ordinary circumstances, acts as a signal for us to stop and pay attention to its cause(s).  But for the individual plagued with addiction , anxiety gets channeled into destructive, seemingly protective behaviors.

At first an attempt to numb pain or anxiety, addictive  behavior spins out of control to become compulsive and affect or destroy physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being.

Much research focuses on the chemical factors. Indeed, a person’s predisposition to develop an addiction may be inherited, but environmental and social components deserve attention too. For instance, persons who haven’t experienced “good enough” bonding and nurturing from parents or caretakers, may not have developed the habits to take good care of themselves.

Social factors are complex and multi-determined but include drug violations and arrests in socially disorganized areas of cities, where economically deprived populations live.

On the negative side:

Addictions seem to be increasing because of:

1.Social factors including breakdown of family and social bonds.

2. Increasing demands on and expectations of the individual. 

3.  Increasing economic stressors.

On the positive side:

1.There is greater recognition of the various kinds of addiction.

2. There are more resources and facilities for treatment.

3. Social stigma is diminishing.

Until an individual achieves a modicum of control over the substance or activity, the addiction (by necessity) remains the focus of attention and treatment.

Two patients, Ms. C and Ms N have struggled with addictions but have responded to treatment in very different ways. Both intelligent women with advanced degrees, they were raised in households where a parent abused alcohol. Ms C was physically abused as well.

Ms N has suffered physical consequences of her use of tobacco and alcohol. She remains isolated, unwilling to examine or change her belief systems about the world, fixed in the perception that most people have let her down. She prefers to put up with “mild” alcohol and tobacco abuse, and the more bothersome consequences of hoarding, living in a tight, disorganized space.  She claims that parting with any of her possessions will cause greater distress.

By contrast, Ms C  has been willing to delve into her early life experiences and examine the sources of her anxieties. She has worked for years to understand her abusive past. Living with a partner made isolation impossible and to an extent, forced her to grapple with the addiction. She realizes she is fortunate to have the talent and opportunity to work in meaningful ways with a community of people.

CONCLUSION: Recovery depends on:

1. Hopefulness and a willingness to understand the roots of anxiety.

2. Examining the disconnectedness from other people.

3. Connecting to the creative, constructive, problem- solving aspects of the psyche, extricating the saboteur and placing the saviour in the driver’s seat in one’s life.

(For further discussion, please refer to my blog of January 6, 2012, Recognizing our Saboteurs.)

For comments please write: jsimon145@gmail.com

Age and Change

Pioneering psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freud harbored a negative attitude about treating the older person; he believed psychoanalysis was not suitable for people over 50 years of age. My experience has taught me that age doesn’t preclude change. Here are some highlights of my psychotherapeutic treatment of an 85 year old patient.

Ms. Y graduated from a local high school, never married and retired after many years at a routine corporate job.  Raised by Italian immigrant parents who spoke little to each other or to her, she observed their mundane, quiet life as if she were an outsider.

After her elderly, widowed father died, Ms. Y suffered years of guilt, believing she hadn’t taken good care of him in his old age. As friends moved away or died, she became increasingly isolated and hopeless. Social life focused on occasional family gatherings with nieces and nephews.

She began treatment for symptoms focused on bodily ills: vague aches and pains and the nuisance of noxious odors permeating her apartment. The neurologist ruled out abnormalities to explain her troublesome olfactory perceptions.

After I encouraged Ms. Y to expand her social network she joined a club for seniors where she attended luncheons and knit and crocheted scarves and baby hats. She felt useful again; the troubling odors disappeared and bodily preoccupations diminished. She became motivated to follow through with the daily exercise program recommended many times in the past.

During several years of weekly sessions, we sat facing each other, but one day, she asked to lie on the couch. She became less self-conscious and her thoughts flowed. She recorded dreams in a little notebook.  In one breakthrough dream, she and her brother find dirty laundry in the mailbox. Memories from six decades ago surfaced. Her mother’s brief disappearance when the patient was three years old had never been explained. Did Mother have an affair? Other secrets about an aunt and uncle, rumored by her parents’ friends, were hushed up. She realized her parents’ modus operandi in life was to maintain stability with silence.  The metaphor of dirty laundry connected to family secrets and explained the detached pattern of her parents’ lives.

As a young person Ms. Y followed in her parents’ footsteps, remaining on the sidelines of life, avoiding social interactions, questions, controversies.

The metaphor of dirty laundry and the memories that emerged helped Ms Y become less fearful, freer to ask questions and express herself.

Conclusion: At any age the mind can uncover connections to the past and allow us to live a more courageous and richer life.

Please send your comments to: jsimon145@gmail.com

What is Love?

Google states that defining love is “one of the most difficult questions for mankind.” But most of us don’t need a search engine to tell us that. What makes the situation so complex is:

1. We rarely define love before attempting  to  discuss the vast and variegated topic.

2. We fail to distinguish among the different types of love.

3. We have to struggle with the inherent challenge of understanding and empathizing with another person through the parameters of our own (limited) psyche.

Most of us assume love is similar to what we experienced in our early years with our parents or caretakers. When we select a partner we often gravitate toward a person who “loves” us as our parents did. Freud described this tendency to reproduce patterns of behavior as repetition compulsion. If we’ve been raised by parents who “love” in a controlling way, we often find a mate who “loves” us in a controlling way.

But positive parallels can be drawn between healthy models of parenting and fulfilling romantic relationships. For instance, D. W.Winnicott (1896-1971), the pediatrician, turned innovative child psychoanalyst, coined the term “good enough” mothering.

A “good enough” mother adapts to her baby, granting him a sense of control over his environment as well as the comfort of connection with her. This “good enough” situation he referred to as the “holding environment”. Creating security in a relationship allows freedom to explore his world.

The concept ‘good enough’ is useful in defining other love relationships too. The  anthropologist and human behavior researcher, Dr. Helen Fisher (Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, 2007) divides love into 1. lust  2. romance and 3. attachment.

For the long haul, Dr. Fisher doesn’t recommend romantic love. Heightened by obstacles, it distracts lovers, causing them to become forgetful and neglect their health.  Instead she advocates a realistic, practical love with attachment based on common interests and goals.

Love includes:

1. Wanting the best for the loved one.

2. Listening and caring about their feelings and willingness to compromise.

Loving our pets is easier because they don’t argue but affirm our agendas. (Please see p. 6 of The Cabala of the Animals.)

3. Learning from mistakes and apologizing.

Research suggests that to maintain a successful relationship you should say five positive things to your partner for each negative statement about them. I disagree with the idea of negative statements; a partner can learn to reframe a criticism and express it in a positive, constructive way.

Before becoming president, Barack Obama expressed his "love" for Michelle and an appreciation of her “mystery”. He realizes he continues to be open, curious and delighted to learn about her.

“The tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us. Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that it’s important that a partner continues to surprise.”  (NYT, April 2007)

Conversely, some people feel threatened by the “otherness” in their partner, fearing what they can’t control. These people attempt to stifle changes in their mate.

In his new movie To Rome with Love, Woody Allen portrays the adventures of four different couples who have stable relationships somewhat similar to the “holding environment” described by Winnicott in which taking chances is possible without threatening their bond. The characters are willing and able to take risks in relationships and in the world.

Shakespeare’s wisdom resonates through generations with enduring validity. “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved.”

Conclusion: The meaning and experience of “love” is a complex complement of needs, desires, hopes, aspirations, existing in a moment and/or enduring for a lifetime. Openness to other people and our world ultimately gratifies.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)

How Now Silence

Because of the constant distractions of our cell phones and computers, etc., many people including psychologists, fear a loss of silent time and creativity.

Many researchers and thinkers find that our minds require silence and/or meditation in order to tune in to a higher voice, a center beyond the self that some associate with our God-like voice.

 (I believe periods of silence and meditation are essential for my mental and physical health and have observed many others discover this personal need.)

 I’m pleased when I remember a dream, even a negative one, because I am closer to the unconscious where creativity as well as conflicts reside. I have trained myself to allow and accept the “petty” thoughts that first rise to consciousness. These are part of the process, analogous to mining for gold.  The miner has to dig through dirt before reaching rich ore.

Some brilliant and accomplished people suppress  memories and daydreams, even the writer, Susan Sontag (author of Against Interpretation) who wouldn’t allow herself the freedom to daydream, out of a fear she’d be less intelligent (As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh, Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980,  edited by her son, David Rieff).

 A young man fears that painful memories will surface in the course of his therapy.  On the other hand, he welcomes them as a way to help piece together the events of his upbringing that cause symptoms (anxiety and loss of appetite) and impinge on his family life today.

 As dreadful as these memories are, they free him. Understanding his painful past allows him to change his attitudes and actions in the present.

 Conclusion: We can have the advantages of both instant communication with the outside world as well as with our deeper thoughts and feelings if we’re aware of these diverse needs and apportion time for each.

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)