1. We
rarely define love before attempting
to discuss the vast and
variegated topic.
2. We
fail to distinguish among the different types of love.
3. We
have to struggle with the inherent challenge of understanding and empathizing
with another person through the parameters of our own (limited) psyche.
Most of
us assume love is similar to what we experienced in our early years with our
parents or caretakers. When we select a partner we often gravitate toward a
person who “loves” us as our parents did. Freud described this tendency to
reproduce patterns of behavior as repetition compulsion. If we’ve been raised
by parents who “love” in a controlling way, we often find a mate who “loves” us
in a controlling way.
But
positive parallels can be drawn between healthy models of parenting and
fulfilling romantic relationships. For instance, D. W.Winnicott (1896-1971),
the pediatrician, turned innovative child psychoanalyst, coined the term “good
enough” mothering.
A “good enough”
mother adapts to her baby, granting him a sense of control over his environment
as well as the comfort of connection with her. This “good enough” situation he
referred to as the “holding environment”. Creating security in a relationship
allows freedom to explore his world.
The
concept ‘good enough’ is useful in defining other love relationships too.
The anthropologist and human
behavior researcher, Dr. Helen Fisher (Why
We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, 2007) divides love into
1. lust 2. romance and 3.
attachment.
For the
long haul, Dr. Fisher doesn’t recommend romantic love. Heightened by obstacles,
it distracts lovers, causing them to become forgetful and neglect their
health. Instead she advocates a
realistic, practical love with attachment based on common interests and goals.
Love
includes:
1.
Wanting the best for the loved one.
2.
Listening and caring about their feelings and willingness to compromise.
Loving
our pets is easier because they don’t argue but affirm our agendas. (Please see
p. 6 of The Cabala of the Animals.)
3.
Learning from mistakes and apologizing.
Research
suggests that to maintain a successful relationship you should say five
positive things to your partner for each negative statement about them. I disagree
with the idea of negative statements; a partner can learn to reframe a
criticism and express it in a positive, constructive way.
Before
becoming president, Barack Obama expressed his "love" for Michelle and an
appreciation of her “mystery”. He realizes he continues to be open, curious and
delighted to learn about her.
“The
tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us.
Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual
support, I think that it’s important that a partner continues to
surprise.” (NYT, April 2007)
Conversely,
some people feel threatened by the “otherness” in their partner, fearing what
they can’t control. These people attempt to stifle changes in their mate.
In his
new movie To Rome with Love, Woody Allen portrays the adventures of four
different couples who have stable relationships somewhat similar to the
“holding environment” described by Winnicott in which taking chances is
possible without threatening their bond. The characters are willing and able to
take risks in relationships and in the world.
Shakespeare’s
wisdom resonates through generations with enduring validity. “Better to have
loved and lost than never to have loved.”
Conclusion:
The meaning and experience of “love” is a complex complement of needs, desires,
hopes, aspirations, existing in a moment and/or enduring for a lifetime.
Openness to other people and our world ultimately gratifies.
All of them are amazing and inspiring
ReplyDeleteI met you on a cross town bus once xo