Voices Outside and Inside Our Heads

 Last night at dinner I say to the waiter.

“The letters on the menu got smaller and I’m having trouble reading them.”

Of course I’m joking. I know that the print didn’t shrink; it is my eyes that have changed. But the question is omnipresent: what comes from outside ourselves and what from within?

Seeing ourselves clearly is not easy. (I personally have erred on both sides, at times, over-estimating and under-estimating my abilities in response to internal and external forces).

The brain can deceive us in innumerable ways, from small to major. On the bodily level, a person who has lost a limb may continue to experience pain in it, a phenomenon known as the phantom limb syndrome.

Some of us are oblivious to our bodies. We don’t realize when we gain or lose weight and must rely on a scale.  Some of us can’t perceive our talent, like an artist who doesn’t believe the art critics’ positive reviews of her sculpture.

The great Canadian pianist Glenn Gould (1922-82) wasn’t able to take in external praise. He consistently dismissed the merit of his performances, developing alter egos with which he wrote hostile reviews of his own performances. He had trouble distinguishing hot from cold, wearing hat, coat and mittens in Sarasota, Florida.

On the other hand, some people organize their lives on the expectations and/or needs of others, weighing the external feedback more than internal desire.  They may find themselves at a loss when those people no longer structure them.

(Some begin psychotherapy to discover their more authentic voice.)

Margaret raised 9 children and organized her life around caring for them. After they grew up, she struggled to establish a schedule and focus on interests of her own.

By contrast, Jerry “intuited” from the age of 7, that he was an actor, His gift seemed to come out of the blue since he was the first performer in his family.

The dilemma begins early and continues throughout life. We operate in the context of the dynamic interplay between who we think we are versus who others tell us/ reflect to us who they think we are.  If this sounds confusing, it is.

From infancy we’re dependent on parents/caretakers to reflect  a “good enough” (accurate) portrayal.  The child psychiatrist, Daniel Stern studied infant development from a relational point of view. In his seminal book The Interpersonal World of the Infant (1985) he describes interaction of caretaker and child (accurate versus distorted mirroring) on the child’s perception and, in the case of inaccuracies, the development of a false self.

Neuroscientists assumed our higher brain centers, like the limbic system, that regulates emotion and memory and connects the lower and higher brain functions,  was responsible. But 14 years of observing Roger, a 56 year old man who suffered brain damage secondary to an episode of (herpes simplex) encephalitis, suggest otherwise. In spite of extensive disruption of the limbic system, he maintained an accurate picture of himself in many areas of functioning. These researchers concluded that the location of self-perception remains unknown.

In the face of this complexity, we do well to remain flexible, aware of the conundrum, and the need to sort out disparities.

Paradoxically, we are trapped in the predicament. We need feedback from others (to know who we are) and the messages we receive may lead us astray from our authenticity.

If we’re too insulated from others’ opinions, we may miss opportunities for self-awareness and growth. If we’re too vulnerable, we’re in danger of abandoning our real/true self.

Conclusion: Each of us exists in a precarious state, dependent on others to reflect who we are.  We fare well when we integrate the messages from the outside world with the voice within that directs us to follow our actualized self.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. jsimon145@gmail.com

Prioritizing the Positive

We think of beauty and intelligence but we rarely stop to recognize the importance of a positive outlook as an alluring quality.

(But dear reader, please think about your friends. I venture to guess that you are attracted to problem-solvers and put-off by persistent naysayers. )

Let’s take the example of Mr. O. He complains that he doesn’t have friends. “I’m a nice person,” he repeats. And indeed, he goes out of his way to listen to people’s problems. But he isn’t positive. Furthermore, he has trouble believing that a positive attitude matters. Instead he dwells on his difficulties like a duck delighting in the mud in a puddle.

True, his wife suffers from dementia, and this is a tragedy. But he is in charge, and at this time, he chooses to care for her at home. If or when the job becomes overwhelming, he can place her in a facility.

The challenge is to reframe, not deny the negative in any situation.  If Dr. Fleming had thrown out his contaminated petri dish in 1928 instead of observing it, we might not have the powerful, life-saving antibiotic, penicillin.

Pessimism is more common among us humans than optimism. The theologian Norman Vincent Peale was the first to popularize optimism in his best-selling book, The Power of Positive Thinking (1952).  According to Martin Seligman, the psychologist today referred to as “the father of optimism,” positive thinking can be cultivated like any other talent, A person has to believe change is possible and challenge negative self-talk.

Mr. L. was depressed because he blamed himself for losing his job. He assumed the negative pattern would continue.  When he viewed the circumstances outside himself, he was able to perceive that the changes in the culture altered the company’s finances and necessitated job cuts.

Optimism is the tendency to believe, expect or hope that things will turn out well. For example, getting laid off can be an opportunity to do something a person has always wanted to do. Optimists take responsibility but don’t blame themselves when bad things happen in their lives.

We can think of optimism or positive thinking as a gift to give ourselves. It doesn’t take any space in the closet, never looses its investment value, and benefits body, mind and soul.

Harvard researchers observe that people who think positively take better care of themselves and suffer fewer heart attacks and strokes. The emerging field of positive psychology studies the beneficial impact that optimism has on mental health. Optimism strengthens the immune system: optimists are sick less and live longer than pessimists.

Based on this finding, positive thinking can be considered an aspect of self-discipline, the gift of caring for our body, mind and soul . (Please refer to last week’s post, Self-Discipline Is a Gift.)

Conclusion: In spite of resistance and reluctance (related to belief systems and/or biochemistry), evidence supports that we derive better physical, mental and spiritual health from the practice of positive thinking. The struggle to re-frame the negative is worth the effort .

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Self-Discipline is a Gift

We often associate the term “discipline” with “punishment.” In fact, several definitions of “discipline” include the word “punish,” which might help explain the negative connotation. But self -discipline is the opposite of punishment; it can be a great gift.

People commonly “reward” themselves with a rich dessert or a cigarette, but these indulgences, if practiced regularly, actually “deprive” a person (in this case, of good health).  Discipline, however, involves constructive behavior-the tendency to care for the body, mind and spirit (or feelings) --and is necessary to achieve success in any endeavor.

Some high achievers, like President Obama, must be disciplined in every aspect of their lives. By contrast, the majority of us, conform to expectations, like those required to keep a job, when necessary. Mr. N. is more representative of us “regular folk”: Although his work performance is stellar, he suffers serious health problems, including emphysema from years of heavy smoking, and obesity, from a lack of discipline regarding his eating habits.

We all know the list of people who self-destruct from insufficient discipline  (like drinking, smoking, over-eating) is endless. But the reasons underlying such destructive behavior-often the lack of caring and respect for ourselves—is worth examining.

Many factors obstruct the path to discipline that an individual may need to discover.  Some require a small tweak to change, like keeping a food diary to increase awareness of intake. Others may necessitate a deeper self-examination.  For example, Mr. J. becomes aware that he will have to deal with sources of frustration in his marriage in order to stop numbing himself with alcohol.

Not uncommonly, we set ourselves up for failure when we attempt to do too much too soon. Inadvertently we create a master-slave relationship within our psyches.

Insisting on going to the gym six or seven days a week, for instance, instead of gradually increasing the frequency may cause the slave within to rebel against the over-strict master.

Ms. L. gives up coffee completely and suffers headaches and fuzzy-headedness. Unable to tolerate the symptoms of withdrawal, she starts drinking caffeine again. She’d probably have been more successful if she had tapered the amount over a few days.

Mr. K. insists that he will finish his Ph.D. thesis in a year. This requires him to give up his social life as well as his exercise program. After two weeks the slave within him rebels, unwilling to bear the deprivation.

To think of discipline as binding like a straight-jacket, works against the goal.

Self-discipline requires us to be patient with daily progress.

Conclusion: Self-discipline is best thought of as a gift that comes from self-respect. It frees us from our appetites and puts us in charge.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com

The Faces of Fear

Fear can work in diverse ways: The unpleasant feeling can paralyze us, so we fail to act; alternatively, it can serve to motivate us.

For example, Ms. I.’s fear motivated her. She suffered from family instability and economic uncertainty. Her mother lived as if pursued by a pack of wild wolves, fearing that she wouldn’t be able to afford to feed her brood of children. This state of insecurity galvanized Ms. I., motivating her to study and have a profession that would guarantee a secure income.

On the other hand, Mr. N. has been paralyzed by fear and gave up a successful career on Broadway in spite of enormous talent and success. Abused as a child, he feared he’d be punished for a “less than perfect” performance. Drained after each show, he was unable to sustain a social life.

Fear may lead a person to isolate, which exacerbates the situation.

Without testing our fears, they grow and multiply, and the treachery of the human mind is more likely to prevail. Remembering that we’re not as unique as we think can help; someone, somewhere shares this emotion too.

Fear is responsible for many creative blocks. Ms. C. describes how she has an idea for a novel, but is afraid to begin writing because she fears the work won’t meet her expectations or be “good.” Instead, she could  reframe the goal as “good enough” and accept revision as part of the process.

Imagining the worst isn’t uncommon. Our facile minds easily manufacture obstacles that inhibit risk-taking. (Please refer to my blog post “Obstacles as Opportunities, 9/23/12). The good news is that when we recognize a tendency to create obstacles, we can train our minds to surmount them.

The world has the potential to hurt and/or to heal. No human entirely escapes the hurt and harm, although some are more fortunate than others in this regard. (Factors beyond our control affect us--our parents, our genetic constitution, and our early environment.)

We can even suffer contradictory fears simultaneously, like success and failure. Either portends change, which brings up another potential fear.

Depending on our balance of neurotransmitters, we’re relatively optimistic or pessimistic. Trapped in the negative sphere, a person can turn any event, including success, into a potential tragedy.  For example, “If I succeed, people will expect more and I’ll disappoint them.”

Organizations exist to help its members overcome fears. For example, Toastmasters, in existence for 89 years, has helped people who suffer from the fear of public speaking. (For an interesting article on this organization, please refer to The New York Times, December 26, 2013.)

Goals for the Fearful:

1. Give form to fear: Putting fear into words or images is a powerful weapon. The Pulitzer- prize cartoonist Art Spiegelman, is an inspiring model of this. In words and drawings, he expresses his own fears, as well as those of his father who survived the Holocaust.

2. Recognize that both success and failure are in a state of flux and potentially change us and our relationship with others. For example, the writer Elizabeth Gilbert author of the best-seller,  Eat, Pray, Love attempted a second memoir,  She wrote a first draft that she knew was terrible and was due at the publisher. She realized she’d lost her passion for writing. “This was terrifyingly disorienting. I couldn’t begin to know who I was without that old, familiar fire. I felt like a cardboard cutout of myself,” she said. A friend advised her not to worry, but to follow her curiosity instead. She turned to gardening and after six months, suddenly out of nowhere, she realized how to fix her book.

3. Transform fear to strength. Malcolm Gladwell derives the title of his new book, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants (Little, Brown, 2013) derives his book’s title from the biblical story of the young man, David who armed with his slingshot and his faith in God, battled the frightening Philistine giant, Goliath. The moral: Be yourself and use the gifts and talents you have been given.

4. Find a Role Model: Someone who has suffered and surmounted a similar fear.

5. Recognize that fear is a universal emotion that helps keep us alive, but has the potential to hinder our self-development.

Conclusion: Facing fears is gratifying. Allowing them to inhibit our plans/dreams/goals/leaves us forever frustrated with dire consequences on our bodies, minds and spirits and on our relationships with others.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts and experiences. Jsimon145@gmail.com