Many
of us would be pleased if everyone liked us and we liked everyone. But this
preference doesn’t pan out in real life. Pursuing this goal often stems from a
less-than-ideal early environment that failed to nurture and support a real and
independent sense of self.
As
a result, this person wants to be liked/loved by everyone to assure himself that he is okay. This tactic doesn't work. Instead, burdened by this impossible task, he suffers, perhaps
even to the extreme of becoming depressed.
In
reality, we have likes and dislikes, and a diversity of opinions. Sometimes
a dislike is immediate. Sometimes it develops with time and familiarity. It can
be as intense as a food allergy or as uproarious as dogs sparring in the street
when they get a whiff of each other.
Understanding
another person is difficult too, and as the poet Elizabeth Bishop said, “We can
not love what we don’t understand.” To understand another person is a lofty,
often unattainable goal.
Given
the limitation of time and our complexity, we can’t aspire to understand more
than the tip of the iceberg of ourselves, another person or our world. What
then are we to do? Getting along with others requires balancing two, often conflicting, aspects of human nature.
David
Brooks (the New York Times, March 14)
summarizes the state of our knowledge of neurobiology, psychology
and cognitive science that reveals two systems of our human nature. Deep in the core of our being there are
the unconscious natural processes built in by evolution. These embedded unconscious
processes propel us to procreate or strut or think in certain ways, often
impulsively. Then, at the top, we have our conscious, rational processes. This
top layer does its best to exercise some restraint and executive function.
The
top layer is a relatively recent layer of rationality. But a concept easily
bypasses the new, more fragile, rational part of the brain, to penetrate and
excite our emotions. The rational is delicate, fragile, like a soluble
substance. By contrast, the emotional is like a durable substance, stubborn
like oil that easily rises to the surface.
Because
the emotional or irrational aspects of our nature often predominate, we have to
work hard to get along with others.
Conclusion: In essence, similar to many other
animals on the planet, we are programmed to like and dislike, to love and hate.
To tolerate and understand our differences embodies a great evolutionary
achievement and a worthy goal.