A Real and Personal Question

I began a residency in child and adolescent psychiatry because I didn’t know what my six year old daughter was thinking. I wondered what other equally puzzled parents were doing because clearly not all of them signed up for child psychiatry programs.

I came by my confusion honestly, given my early life experience.  When my parents divorced, they tried to influence us children to side with one against the other. They didn’t realize the need and natural tendency for children to love both parents. (Today the term “parental alienation” refers to a situation in which a child is estranged from a parent involved in a divorce.) The consequence of my situation was years of confusion about how to relate to others in a constructive, caring, encouraging way.

In any case, I thought if I could discover how a six year old thinks, I’d understand  my daughter. However, I did not  find the answer  from the training  program because I was not asking  the right question.

The real question was -and is- how to build a relationship with another person. I learned that common denominators underlie the building of a relationship whether the person is a child or an adult. Although the matter seems obvious, I think we benefit from defining the process, at least in part.

 Some of the elements I’ve discovered which enhance the development of positive relations include:

1 To accept and explore a child’s (or adult’s) interests vs  to judge and condemn them.

Critical: Musicians don’t run in our family so we doubt you’ll be good at it.

Constructive: I’m delighted you’re interested in music; it’s great to explore different hobbies.

2 To encourage, show the right way, vs making fun of the wrong way.

Critical: Don’t use your fork like a shovel.

 

Constructive: You might find it easier to hold your fork this way.

3  Express curiosity vs disinterest or boredom.

Critical: Oh, that’s nothing. I drew very well when I was your age.

Constructive: You can draw a horse! I’d really like you to draw one for me.

4 Become involved and interested vs  detached.

(Remember the old fashioned days when children were supposed to be seen, and not heard?)

5 Encourage  two way conversation, or  dialogue vs. to dictate.  (In the old days, parents wouldn’t consider a  child’s opinions).

Critical: You have to wear this outfit today because the weather is cold.

Constructive: You can choose one of these outfits to wear to keep you warm today, dear.

6 Express understanding and empathy (through caring for pets; asking a child to put himself in another person’s situation; How would you feel if???).

Critical: Oh, Johnny is just a softie. You don’t want to be like him.

Constructive: You might feel hurt too in that situation.

 People who were fortunate to  experience good enough* parenting in their own childhood, may intuit these guidelines,  but most of us have to become self aware to learn and practice them.

*(The term ‘good enough’ was used by D.W.  Winnicott (1896-1971), the famous British pediatrician/child psychiatrist to describe the qualities of a mother who related to her child in a way which nurtured healthy self esteem and a sense of well being.)

We provide nurturing and guidance to the child who gives back a modicum of obedience and some challenge to our authority. The millions of books written on child rearing support the complexity of the subject.

I wanted to resolve my confusion about relating to my daughter,  but doing so, took  more than a child psychiatry fellowship (even though I did learn about child development and  child psychopathology. But to find the answer to the real question, I had undergo a personal psychoanalysis and continue to  parent, eventually opening my mind to what my children mirrored to me about my own behavior. 

My daughters rank among my best mentors, and I realize that children in general are excellent ‘mirrors’  when parents are open to the two way street of  teaching and learning through parenting.

Conclusion: Common denominators of constructive guidance and encouragement underlie building a relationship with a child or an adult.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)