The Way of Dreaming

A main purpose of dreaming is the mind’s attempt to integrate aspects of the unconscious with the conscious. In dreams the buried, secret aspects of our psyches surface, from the heinous to the sublime, churned up like stones in a ploughed field.

Margaret Mead studied a tribe in Bali whose members shared their dreams over breakfast. She attributed the practice of dream sharing to their peaceful lifestyle.

Exposing hidden aspects of self, both positive and negative, loving and aggressive, in an accepting environment leads us to accept and love ourselves and by extension, others.

As English musician, singer-songwriter John Lennon said, “If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot (be) fully open to our ability to love others or  (to) our potential to create.”

When we love ourselves and others, we don’t want to experience the inevitable loss of our loved ones which violence portends.

CONCLUSION: Sharing our dreams in an accepting environment can lead us on an avenue toward peace.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)

A Real and Personal Question

I began a residency in child and adolescent psychiatry because I didn’t know what my six year old daughter was thinking. I wondered what other equally puzzled parents were doing because clearly not all of them signed up for child psychiatry programs.

I came by my confusion honestly, given my early life experience.  When my parents divorced, they tried to influence us children to side with one against the other. They didn’t realize the need and natural tendency for children to love both parents. (Today the term “parental alienation” refers to a situation in which a child is estranged from a parent involved in a divorce.) The consequence of my situation was years of confusion about how to relate to others in a constructive, caring, encouraging way.

In any case, I thought if I could discover how a six year old thinks, I’d understand  my daughter. However, I did not  find the answer  from the training  program because I was not asking  the right question.

The real question was -and is- how to build a relationship with another person. I learned that common denominators underlie the building of a relationship whether the person is a child or an adult. Although the matter seems obvious, I think we benefit from defining the process, at least in part.

 Some of the elements I’ve discovered which enhance the development of positive relations include:

1 To accept and explore a child’s (or adult’s) interests vs  to judge and condemn them.

Critical: Musicians don’t run in our family so we doubt you’ll be good at it.

Constructive: I’m delighted you’re interested in music; it’s great to explore different hobbies.

2 To encourage, show the right way, vs making fun of the wrong way.

Critical: Don’t use your fork like a shovel.

 

Constructive: You might find it easier to hold your fork this way.

3  Express curiosity vs disinterest or boredom.

Critical: Oh, that’s nothing. I drew very well when I was your age.

Constructive: You can draw a horse! I’d really like you to draw one for me.

4 Become involved and interested vs  detached.

(Remember the old fashioned days when children were supposed to be seen, and not heard?)

5 Encourage  two way conversation, or  dialogue vs. to dictate.  (In the old days, parents wouldn’t consider a  child’s opinions).

Critical: You have to wear this outfit today because the weather is cold.

Constructive: You can choose one of these outfits to wear to keep you warm today, dear.

6 Express understanding and empathy (through caring for pets; asking a child to put himself in another person’s situation; How would you feel if???).

Critical: Oh, Johnny is just a softie. You don’t want to be like him.

Constructive: You might feel hurt too in that situation.

 People who were fortunate to  experience good enough* parenting in their own childhood, may intuit these guidelines,  but most of us have to become self aware to learn and practice them.

*(The term ‘good enough’ was used by D.W.  Winnicott (1896-1971), the famous British pediatrician/child psychiatrist to describe the qualities of a mother who related to her child in a way which nurtured healthy self esteem and a sense of well being.)

We provide nurturing and guidance to the child who gives back a modicum of obedience and some challenge to our authority. The millions of books written on child rearing support the complexity of the subject.

I wanted to resolve my confusion about relating to my daughter,  but doing so, took  more than a child psychiatry fellowship (even though I did learn about child development and  child psychopathology. But to find the answer to the real question, I had undergo a personal psychoanalysis and continue to  parent, eventually opening my mind to what my children mirrored to me about my own behavior. 

My daughters rank among my best mentors, and I realize that children in general are excellent ‘mirrors’  when parents are open to the two way street of  teaching and learning through parenting.

Conclusion: Common denominators of constructive guidance and encouragement underlie building a relationship with a child or an adult.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)

Asking the Right Question

A thought-provoking article in the New York Times Sunday Review by Geoffrey Wheatcroft (January 1, 2012) examines the role of “unknowing” – or deliberately choosing to acknowledge information – in the occurrence of several fiascos in recent history. (You can read the article here: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/opinion/sunday/unknown-knowns-avoiding thetruth.html?_r=1&ref=geoffreywheatcroft)

In the situations he highlights, Wheatcroft points out that People in Power derived benefits from the situations, and neglected to utilize the information available to avert crises like the following:

1. The Iraq War (The real question wasn’t determining the kinds of weapons Hussein possessed, but recognizing that we needed a pretext to invade).

2.The Bernard Madoff fraud (Investment officer Harry Markopolos spent almost nine years trying to explain to the Securities and Exchange Commission that Madoff’s reported figures were incredible and mathematically impossible, but the S.E.C. chose to “unknow” it).

3.The Penn State scandal (Enough was known about what was happening in the showers by people who could have acted, but who chose instead to “unknow”).

4.The mortgage fiasco (“An intelligent child would have known that there is no good time to lend money to people who obviously can never repay it.”)

5.The failure of the euro  (“A single currency embracing countries as diverse in social culture, productivity, work practices and taxation as Germany and Greece... is economically impossible without much closer fiscal and financial union.”)

The point is: If the right question is not asked or is side-stepped, the right answer can’t be found or acknowledged. To ask the real question requires courage and honesty and sacrifice.

What we glean from these examples from World Politics is that self-serving behavior is a pervasive pattern of Human Nature; and may overrule the common good for a period of time with detrimental results that impede progress.

As the innovative Pulitzer Prize-winning poet W.C. Williams (1883-1963) said, It is difficult to get the news from poems, yet men die miserably every day for lack of what is found there.

In the words of this poet, I hear that the most important happenings may not be found in the news.

(On a personal level, I began my residency in child psychiatry because I wanted to know and understand my six-year-old daughter’s thought process. However, this wasn’t the real question, so I didn’t find the precise answer. I’ll discuss this topic in a future blog).

What can we do in the face of this discouraging predicament? 

We can increase our Awareness.

 We can avoid participating in these situations.

Conclusion: The least practical and expedient in the short run may be the most expedient and practical in the long run. Recognizing and embracing this Paradox helps us to understand the human condition and therefore diminish stress.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)

Recognizing Our Saboteurs

One of the  complexities of being Human is sorting out our constructive from our destructive behaviors. Which  actions manifest our Saboteur (to operate against our best interests) and which ones,  our Savior (to further our goals)?

This first day of the New Year, I’m delighted that my schedule is free and I can choose how to spend the time. I resolve to skip the gym in favor of reading and writing. But is my Saboteur or my Savior in charge of my decision?

We have only to count the numerous public figures who muck up their careers (although in diverse ways like infidelity, dishonesty, embezzlement)  to recognize the universality of  the difficulty.

Another more treacherous situation occurred in the case of one of my patients. She had befriended a homeless, substance-abusing man. In the name of Generosity, she took him into her home. Instead of the enjoyable holiday, and solitude she had anticipated, she shared her apartment and her anti-anxiety medication ‘to help him detoxify’.

Eventually she discovered that the man’s needs proved insatiable; sadly her solicitations  hadn’t helped him. He wasn’t motivated to get better. In the name of Generosity, she sacrificed her resources, including time, energy.

 In this instance Generosity proved to be a Saboteur.  Her Savior rallied and she realized she had to call 911 for assistance.

What can we do when faced with this conundrum?

We need to muster honesty and courage and ask:

 What am I doing? And why am I doing it?

Conclusion: Let’s remember and identify the myriad Saboteurs contained within the complexity of our minds.

Surveillance may be necessary to guard against and prevent self deception and self destruction.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)