To Change Your Situation or Yourself? That is the Question.

Change is often frightening and can involve altering our relationship with ourselves, which automatically modifies our relationship with others.

After a period of self-examination, individuals may opt to change their environment, while others conclude that change should instead happen within themselves.

One client considered himself unhappily married until he recognized his internal dissatisfaction. He had not achieved his goal of becoming a great politician and eventually learned to own the disappointment within himself rather than shifting his disappointment to his marital relationship or partner.

In a different example, a woman realized that her husband expected her to arrange frequent dinner parties and entertain his business associates while she preferred a more solitary and quiet life. His image of her did not meet her own internal image. In this situation, they agreed a divorce was the appropriate solution.

We can’t always know if our goal is a healing one or a destructive one. Are we moving toward health or pathology? If the man above had assumed the problem was his marriage and failed to recognize his self- dissatisfaction, he may have divorced and remarried, transmitting the problem (like a virus) from one relationship to the next. In the second example, both individuals adjusted to more gratifying relationships.

Important to note is that a change in self-perception alters how we see others too. After the man (described above) owned his self-dissatisfaction, he was able to appreciate the nurturing qualities in his wife.   

Conclusion: For some, accepting a given situation turns out to be the answer. Others fare better to change their circumstances.

Ultimately, individuals must answer the question for themselves but may be helped by a psychotherapist, who adds the advantage of objective listening and “accurate enough” feedback.

Dear Reader: Please add your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Siblings: Pros and Cons

Siblings can make all the difference in a person’s life. Their collaboration can be a powerful force to lessen existential anxiety and create a life-sustaining foundation for the members of their clan. Since they’ve grown up with the same mother and father, they can exchange memories and perceptions over the years that provide a sense of family identity. The sibling relationship outlives most other human relationships, becoming more valuable as we age because of the common history.

 I’m the oldest of five children and note that our perceptions of each other have changed over time, depending on our life circumstances. We’ve been married, had children, survived divorces (except for two out of the five who remain married to their first spouse).

 

  On August 14, USA Today reported on a study done at Ohio State. The researchers concluded that growing up with more siblings reduces the risk of divorce. (Of course this is one factor and didn’t seem the major one in my family.)

I think the five of us would agree that we fall at neither end of the closeness spectrum; we’re neither the most tight-knit nor most emotionally distant of families. In spite of many spats and minor disagreements when we were young, we’ve been present for each other, supportive, availing our knowledge and talents to each other. Our perceptions of our parents are quite similar, and we cooperated on their care when they were elderly.

 Most people who have endured singleness would have preferred to have a sibling to lessen their aloneness. Cousins of a similar age who live nearby can help to ease the discomfort and offer a different, although related, perspective on one’s parents.

But not everyone experiences siblings as a help. A sister or brother can be a lifesaver or a murderer, a safety net or a hole in the texture of a person’s world; or even flip to the opposite pole during a lifetime.

In her heart-wrenching memoir, Country Girl, the accomplished Irish novelist Edna O’Brien describes how her mother intended to turn over the family house to her. Instead, her brother tricked their mother into re-writing the will to give it to him. Edna didn’t have a home and her brother never used the house, allowing it to remain empty and fallow.

Apparently her brother was out to get her. I suspect his selfish act was fueled by the mother’s favoritism for her daughter. Clearly Edna’s life would have been easier without this sibling.

If any one factor can help to predict the future, the parents’ show of favoritism fosters dissension among their children and weaves a flawed net. (As imperfect as her love was, my mother insisted she had no favorites among the five of us.  She built a unique relationship with each of us based on her broad interests, including literature, earth sciences and   nontraditional politics.)

Parents do well to foster and respect sibling relationships. They can offer their children time to share activities and allow them to work through their own disagreements and to build a relationship with each other separate from their parents. They can encourage older siblings who leave home to maintain relationships with the younger ones and arrange family get-togethers. And of course avoid “favoritism,” the most common cause of bitter sibling rivalry.

A visit with my brother ten years my junior uncovered a striking pattern. After we waited a considerable time to catch a southbound cab, I suggested one of us cross the street to double our chances.

“No,” he objected, “Let’s stay together.”

 As the youngest, alone in the home after we older siblings had departed, he longed and focused on “togetherness,” while I, the eldest, zeroed in on “the goal.” This pattern seems to do more with birth order than with genes and chromosomes.

Although no one can predict with any degree of certainty how life changes will affect sibling relationships, birth order has been studied, resulting in some conclusions. Meri Wallace researched the topic and wrote Birth Order Blues. She found that some of these patterns relate to the parent’s treatment of the child in his spot and some connect to the order itself. She adds, ”Each spot has unique challenges.”

Conclusion: Sibling relationships determine a lot about who we become later in life and remain a vital force. Many factors affect the quality of these; primary among them are parents. Those of us who are fortunate to have supportive sibling relationships derive great benefit especially in times of change and crisis.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments on this complex topic. jsimon145@gmail.com

GrandParent Power (a change in Script)

Grandparenting differs from parenting, and the shift often requires exploration and questioning about the nature of the change. I’ve spoken with some grandparents puzzled when their old parenting scripts result in clashes, chaos, and rejection by their family.They want to understand how to communicate more successfully.

Their children, now parents shoulder the responsibility for their developing children  and, by rights, occupy the driver’s seat. 

It behooves the grandparent to realize that times and personalities are often different now.

For example, Ms. D. expected her children and grandchildren to cater to her needs, as she had catered to theirs in the past. She assumed they would allow her to visit and stay in their home according to her schedule. Instead of respect and gratitude for what she’d given them, she was met with rejection.

After a brief course of psychotherapy she began to understand how to negotiate. She recognized that their lives, focused on taking care of their expanding family, had become more demanding than her own, and she had to accommodate them. When she changed her attitude, she was rewarded by a mutually caring relationship.

Grandparents need to be aware that attitudes toward their children and in-laws trickle down to influence relationships with their grandchildren. For example, Mr. L. would have preferred a different kind of son-in-law, but when he criticized him and his daughter, they refused to invite him to visit. The key of acceptance granted him access to his grandchildren.

The narcissistic grandparent may want to maintain his place on the pedestal. He may think he is brighter and more accomplished than his children and grandchildren, but this claim doesn’t help to empower his offspring. A more valuable gift is to offer blessings and to recognize that each person has the potential to develop their particular talents.

The advantage of grand-parenting is less responsibility and greater freedom. Ideally, grand-parenting is less demanding than parenting, more relaxing and fun, and adds to the sweetness of a family’s life, like icing on the cake.

Grandparent power, like the best things in life, is free and resides beyond the grasp of money and wealth. Paradoxically, like anyone, grandparents receive more-and enhance familial relationships- when they give more (within reasonable boundaries) and ask less.

Conclusion: The purpose of pro-creation is to propagate our protoplasm and genes. The “good enough” grandparent empowers his family with acceptance, encouragement, and caring.

Dear Reader, Please contribute your comments: jsimon145@gmail.com.

Beyond Beauty and Brilliance (more thoughts on life scripts)

To predict who will stay the course of change and who will bolt like a frightened animal is nearly impossible, even for a seasoned psychotherapist.

Some people shift from a lifetime of behavior at the end of their lives.

In the blog post of July 16, 2012, “Age and Change,” I write about a woman over 80 years old who examined her life with a courage that contradicted or defied Freud’s dictum about older people and change.  Another client told me that his father who had abused him, psychologically and physically, began psychotherapy late in life and apologized to his son for his hurtful behavior.

Other people dig in their heels and continue to live a script that no longer carries them over the waves of fame and fortune but instead threatens to drown them in the undertow.

As I mentioned in last week’s blog- “Evoking (the Spirit of) Life Scripts”- a person is more likely to examine a script after experiencing a snafu in life. But in Woody Allen’s new masterpiece, the film, Blue Jasmine, the main character, clings to her script after her marriage to the wealthy, corrupt businessman Hal crumbles. Jasmine continues to expect a life of privilege and indulgence.

Her sister Ginger explains how Jasmine’s script was originally written: The two were both adopted, but Jasmine was the favorite, the beautiful, brilliant one who came to expect (and in fact received) pampered treatment.  Instead of taking responsibility for her role in misfortune, Jasmine fails to see or hear anything that interferes with the view that she is privileged and entitled to exploit others.

Some people find the film depressing because Jasmine hits “rock bottom,” falling into a babbling state of psychosis.

A psychotherapist doesn’t find the film depressing; instead she says, “This is what happens when a person doesn’t do the work to face herself honestly in the mirror!”

Conclusion: We are our own living experiments. The tragic figure fails to take responsibility, to examine his script, and change when an old one outlives its usefulness like a sweater that shrinks in the washing machine of life and no longer fits.

Dear Reader: Your opinions are welcome. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Evoking (the spirit of) Life Scripts

According to Wikipedia, script analysis is the “method of uncovering the early decisions, made unconsciously, as to how life shall be lived.”

Life scripts are communicated to us by our parents or caretakers and society.  In general, we act upon them automatically until we encounter a snafu. Then we may examine the course of our life and decide to follow or change the script to fit an inner sense of who we are, somewhat like altering an item of clothing from “one size fits all.”

(I became a pathologist because my parents didn’t want me to study psychiatry. After altering my life script against my parents’ wishes, I felt free to be true to myself and become a psychiatrist.)

Psychologist Eric Berne, father of transactional analysis, studied the scripts we play out in relationship with others, analyzing various problematic communications. For example, when a person speaks to a peer as if he is the parent, instead of an equal, he plays out a crossed transaction.

Someone may unconsciously “act” or “operate” as if she is a mother figure to everyone. Most likely this script was handed down, stemming from the role she was assigned in her family. Awareness gives her choice and flexibility, to apply the script or determine its inappropriateness in a given situation.

Although Berne’s goal was to render a person “script-free,” later studies have determined that we are really never script-free.

(For example, the goal to live and think in the moment, with no interference from the past is, in itself, a script.)

Scripts indicate that to a greater or lesser degree, we are programmed by our environment, a notion that contradicts the idea of free will.  The role of our genetic constitution -and its dynamic interaction with the environment- is complex and unfolds with time.

For example, Mr. James Morris, a well-known English journalist, married and raised a family. But he experienced himself as “wrongly equipped” and at age 46, had a sex-change operation. He became the famous British travel writer Jan Morris. He married first as a man, divorced, and re-married the same mate as a woman with whom he has lived for over fifty years. (See “Love story: Jan Morris-Divorce, the death of a child and a sex change...but still together,” written by Andy Smith  in The Independent, June 4, 2008.)

Needless to say, bringing scripts to our conscious awareness is a creative endeavor that offers understanding and insight, and frees us from unnecessary self “blame.”

Conclusion: The goal is to recognize the scripts handed to us in our developmental years and modify them to suit our individual natures.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com

When Right is Wrong (Holding on to Pride and Anger)

Sometimes we have an innate sense of injustice, the feeling that we’ve been wronged.  For example, when someone has disrespected or neglected us, or reneged on a promise.

A specific case is Mr. C. who had an informal agreement with a friend. He’d help publicize (i.e., write ads for) the friend’s tennis studio in exchange for lessons. However, he and the instructor could not find a mutually convenient hour to meet. Mr. C. thought that the teacher should work harder to accommodate him and his schedule, and his pride was wounded because he felt his services were not appreciated. I encouraged him to discuss the matter with his friend. Holding on to his (wounded) pride, in spite of “being right,” left him the looser without the benefit of tennis lessons.

When I arrived for my hair appointment to find that my hairdresser had cancelled it, I was very disturbed. The hairdresser did not apologize, only saying, “I’m behind schedule and can’t do your hair today. You live nearby and can reschedule.”  When I objected and explained I had a schedule too, she said, “You just have to learn to relax.” Her words implied that the problem was mine.

Of course an apology was in order, but I didn’t receive one because she seemed unable or unwilling to grasp my point of view (see the previous blog “Admitting Mistakes,” November 19, 2012).  But she is a competent hairstylist, and I realized that in this case, I had to let go of my feelings of injustice.

One of my pet peeves about New York City is the delivery people on bikes who drive either way on one-way streets and avenues; they don’t necessarily heed the traffic lights, either. If a person doesn’t want to risk being struck by one of these bikers, looking both ways before crossing a street is wise. Theoretically, this kind of caution shouldn’t be necessary, but in this case, failing to do so, can endanger one’s physical well-being.  Standard practice of obeying streetlights could therefore be considered “wrong” or certainly insufficient.

Letting go of a sense of injustice is easier to say than to do; I confess I’m still working on it. I learned the concept at a poetry conference many years ago.  At the conclusion of her presentation, the well-known poet, Ellen Bryant Voigt was asked by a person in the audience when is a poem finished. She answered, “It is all revision until you die.” Needless to say, the statement stuck a chord in many of us. I like to think of myself in this way: Like a poem, I am a “person-in-progress.”

 Serendipitously, a quote from the actress Andy MacDowell in The New York Times on July 14, exquisitely sums up the issue.  “If you carry around anger and ugly emotions, it will show on your face,” she says as she equates “positivity with beauty.”

Conclusion: Holding on to anger and pride, although these feelings may be understandable and justified in a given situation, is wrong because the negative feelings harm our bodies, minds, and spirits.

Dear Reader: Your comments are welcome. jsimon145@gmail.com

The Therapist's Use of Self

Vignettes from a therapist’s life can help people who suffer from feelings of aloneness and isolation in their struggles. The fact that the therapist has grappled with similar issues can be helpful. These must be timed skillfully and presented carefully to serve the client and have a positive impact.

(Professional books related to this subject include: The Therapist’s Use of Self by John Rowan and Michael Jacobs, published in 2002 and The Use of Self In Therapy by Michele Baldwin,  2012.)

Recently, Ms. F. asked me if I experience feelings of self-hate. I explained that I certainly had examined the root causes of this emotion in my own therapy years ago, and recognize when it occasionally sneaks into my awareness. Because I know it serves no constructive purpose and experience it as an obstacle, I discard it (in the metaphorical trash can) like an old newspaper.

Mr. G. complained that a paper he was writing took hours to complete. I shared the fact that I had just struggled with the same problem. I knew that many people would be able to prepare the report in less time, but to think along those lines didn’t help. Instead I had to reframe my thinking, to accept the task as mine, and resign myself to finishing it, regardless of the time required.

Conclusion: Vignettes from a therapist’s life can help diminish a client’s feelings of isolation and further the road to self-acceptance. 

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome: jsimon145@gmail.com