To Change Your Situation or Yourself? That is the Question.

Change is often frightening and can involve altering our relationship with ourselves, which automatically modifies our relationship with others.

After a period of self-examination, individuals may opt to change their environment, while others conclude that change should instead happen within themselves.

One client considered himself unhappily married until he recognized his internal dissatisfaction. He had not achieved his goal of becoming a great politician and eventually learned to own the disappointment within himself rather than shifting his disappointment to his marital relationship or partner.

In a different example, a woman realized that her husband expected her to arrange frequent dinner parties and entertain his business associates while she preferred a more solitary and quiet life. His image of her did not meet her own internal image. In this situation, they agreed a divorce was the appropriate solution.

We can’t always know if our goal is a healing one or a destructive one. Are we moving toward health or pathology? If the man above had assumed the problem was his marriage and failed to recognize his self- dissatisfaction, he may have divorced and remarried, transmitting the problem (like a virus) from one relationship to the next. In the second example, both individuals adjusted to more gratifying relationships.

Important to note is that a change in self-perception alters how we see others too. After the man (described above) owned his self-dissatisfaction, he was able to appreciate the nurturing qualities in his wife.   

Conclusion: For some, accepting a given situation turns out to be the answer. Others fare better to change their circumstances.

Ultimately, individuals must answer the question for themselves but may be helped by a psychotherapist, who adds the advantage of objective listening and “accurate enough” feedback.

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