Siblings: Pros and Cons

Siblings can make all the difference in a person’s life. Their collaboration can be a powerful force to lessen existential anxiety and create a life-sustaining foundation for the members of their clan. Since they’ve grown up with the same mother and father, they can exchange memories and perceptions over the years that provide a sense of family identity. The sibling relationship outlives most other human relationships, becoming more valuable as we age because of the common history.

 I’m the oldest of five children and note that our perceptions of each other have changed over time, depending on our life circumstances. We’ve been married, had children, survived divorces (except for two out of the five who remain married to their first spouse).

 

  On August 14, USA Today reported on a study done at Ohio State. The researchers concluded that growing up with more siblings reduces the risk of divorce. (Of course this is one factor and didn’t seem the major one in my family.)

I think the five of us would agree that we fall at neither end of the closeness spectrum; we’re neither the most tight-knit nor most emotionally distant of families. In spite of many spats and minor disagreements when we were young, we’ve been present for each other, supportive, availing our knowledge and talents to each other. Our perceptions of our parents are quite similar, and we cooperated on their care when they were elderly.

 Most people who have endured singleness would have preferred to have a sibling to lessen their aloneness. Cousins of a similar age who live nearby can help to ease the discomfort and offer a different, although related, perspective on one’s parents.

But not everyone experiences siblings as a help. A sister or brother can be a lifesaver or a murderer, a safety net or a hole in the texture of a person’s world; or even flip to the opposite pole during a lifetime.

In her heart-wrenching memoir, Country Girl, the accomplished Irish novelist Edna O’Brien describes how her mother intended to turn over the family house to her. Instead, her brother tricked their mother into re-writing the will to give it to him. Edna didn’t have a home and her brother never used the house, allowing it to remain empty and fallow.

Apparently her brother was out to get her. I suspect his selfish act was fueled by the mother’s favoritism for her daughter. Clearly Edna’s life would have been easier without this sibling.

If any one factor can help to predict the future, the parents’ show of favoritism fosters dissension among their children and weaves a flawed net. (As imperfect as her love was, my mother insisted she had no favorites among the five of us.  She built a unique relationship with each of us based on her broad interests, including literature, earth sciences and   nontraditional politics.)

Parents do well to foster and respect sibling relationships. They can offer their children time to share activities and allow them to work through their own disagreements and to build a relationship with each other separate from their parents. They can encourage older siblings who leave home to maintain relationships with the younger ones and arrange family get-togethers. And of course avoid “favoritism,” the most common cause of bitter sibling rivalry.

A visit with my brother ten years my junior uncovered a striking pattern. After we waited a considerable time to catch a southbound cab, I suggested one of us cross the street to double our chances.

“No,” he objected, “Let’s stay together.”

 As the youngest, alone in the home after we older siblings had departed, he longed and focused on “togetherness,” while I, the eldest, zeroed in on “the goal.” This pattern seems to do more with birth order than with genes and chromosomes.

Although no one can predict with any degree of certainty how life changes will affect sibling relationships, birth order has been studied, resulting in some conclusions. Meri Wallace researched the topic and wrote Birth Order Blues. She found that some of these patterns relate to the parent’s treatment of the child in his spot and some connect to the order itself. She adds, ”Each spot has unique challenges.”

Conclusion: Sibling relationships determine a lot about who we become later in life and remain a vital force. Many factors affect the quality of these; primary among them are parents. Those of us who are fortunate to have supportive sibling relationships derive great benefit especially in times of change and crisis.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments on this complex topic. jsimon145@gmail.com