When Right is Wrong (Holding on to Pride and Anger)

Sometimes we have an innate sense of injustice, the feeling that we’ve been wronged.  For example, when someone has disrespected or neglected us, or reneged on a promise.

A specific case is Mr. C. who had an informal agreement with a friend. He’d help publicize (i.e., write ads for) the friend’s tennis studio in exchange for lessons. However, he and the instructor could not find a mutually convenient hour to meet. Mr. C. thought that the teacher should work harder to accommodate him and his schedule, and his pride was wounded because he felt his services were not appreciated. I encouraged him to discuss the matter with his friend. Holding on to his (wounded) pride, in spite of “being right,” left him the looser without the benefit of tennis lessons.

When I arrived for my hair appointment to find that my hairdresser had cancelled it, I was very disturbed. The hairdresser did not apologize, only saying, “I’m behind schedule and can’t do your hair today. You live nearby and can reschedule.”  When I objected and explained I had a schedule too, she said, “You just have to learn to relax.” Her words implied that the problem was mine.

Of course an apology was in order, but I didn’t receive one because she seemed unable or unwilling to grasp my point of view (see the previous blog “Admitting Mistakes,” November 19, 2012).  But she is a competent hairstylist, and I realized that in this case, I had to let go of my feelings of injustice.

One of my pet peeves about New York City is the delivery people on bikes who drive either way on one-way streets and avenues; they don’t necessarily heed the traffic lights, either. If a person doesn’t want to risk being struck by one of these bikers, looking both ways before crossing a street is wise. Theoretically, this kind of caution shouldn’t be necessary, but in this case, failing to do so, can endanger one’s physical well-being.  Standard practice of obeying streetlights could therefore be considered “wrong” or certainly insufficient.

Letting go of a sense of injustice is easier to say than to do; I confess I’m still working on it. I learned the concept at a poetry conference many years ago.  At the conclusion of her presentation, the well-known poet, Ellen Bryant Voigt was asked by a person in the audience when is a poem finished. She answered, “It is all revision until you die.” Needless to say, the statement stuck a chord in many of us. I like to think of myself in this way: Like a poem, I am a “person-in-progress.”

 Serendipitously, a quote from the actress Andy MacDowell in The New York Times on July 14, exquisitely sums up the issue.  “If you carry around anger and ugly emotions, it will show on your face,” she says as she equates “positivity with beauty.”

Conclusion: Holding on to anger and pride, although these feelings may be understandable and justified in a given situation, is wrong because the negative feelings harm our bodies, minds, and spirits.

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