The Bounty of Boundaries

What do we mean when we speak about setting boundaries or  limits?

 This psychological terrain is enormous for a psychotherapist, analogous to thousands of acres tended by a farmer.

The most basic boundaries for a client in a therapeutic relationship include:

1.     Keeping scheduled appointments

 2.  Leaving the session when the time is up and

 3.  Taking financial responsibility.

 

The psychotherapist also helps the client establish boundaries in his own life with friends, family and colleagues.

Maintaining good boundaries fosters good relationships. When responsibilities are clearly defined, people have clarity regarding their limits and responsibilities to each other. Anxieties are lessened, especially for children and puppy dogs, who experience feelings of insecurity when rules waver.

Children flounder and become anxious when their parents don’t know how and when to say “no” at appropriate times. They don’t learn limits and are in danger of becoming “monsters,” unable to respect others or learn common courtesies. The lack of understanding and acceptance of clear and fair boundaries underlies much psychopathology and sociopathy.

Boundaries or limits teach us to account for our actions and are essential for success in love (relationships) and work.  

Ms. Q. has made promises on several occasions to deliver payment but hasn’t followed through. She is relieved when I explain that the failure to keep her word is more disturbing than an honest need to postpone a payment.

Although at times I fear I may alienate a friend if I remind her to return a borrowed item, I realize I could become resentful if the friend never returns it. Therefore, a gentle reminder is the lesser evil.

Sometimes we confuse the boundaries inside our head with those outside ourselves, as illustrated by this lawnmower story: A man walks across his lawn to borrow his neighbor’s mower. By the time he arrives at the door, he’s already convinced himself that the neighbor won’t lend the prized possession.  When the neighbor answers, the would-be borrower doesn’t bother to ask and instead, growls,  “You can keep your darned lawnmower!”

 This (somewhat) humorous tale exemplifies the extremes to which our minds are capable of blurring the boundaries inside our heads with those in the world outside us.

On a rare occasion, relaxing a boundary may be in order. Many years ago I experienced the benefit (benificient gift) of flexible boundaries. My supervisor, the well-respected psychoanalyst Dr. Louis DeRossis, did not charge me after I cancelled our supervision an hour before the session. (I  explained to him that I feared I’d be blown away by the high winds sweeping through NYC.)  He understood my psychological makeup-including a self-punitive internal judge (harsh superego)- and I assume he thought making an exception to the rules would be acceptable in this instance.

Conclusion: Establishing boundaries (or limit-setting) is a vital tool to avoid chaos and confusion in life. On the other hand, boundaries like rules can be broken on occasion for a good reason.

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments: jsimon145@gmail.com