Ambivalence: From Crazy to Creative

Ambivalence is defined as the state of having mixed feelings about something or someone. This disorienting condition is natural and universal, experienced by each one of us at various times in our lives.

Ambivalence can be experienced many times a day from inconsequential situations, like choosing which vegetable to eat for dinner, to major decisions like whether or not to marry a certain person.

 

Quite often, we’re not conscious or aware that we feel ambivalent. But in life-altering situations, failure to acknowledge this psychological state can plague us to the point of distraction. For example, Mr. O wondered if he should or should not move to California for a new job. This kind of major life change can motivate someone to begin psychotherapeutic treatment. In less far-reaching situations, ambivalence can lead to confusion and befuddlement. 

 

Parenting is naturally accompanied by ambivalence. A parent may wish that their child would disappear so they could experience the freedom that they knew before their baby’s birth. If a parent doesn’t know that these feelings are natural and universal, they may assume that they are abnormal or even “crazy.”

 

In his attempt to understand people suffering from mental illness in the 1900’s,

Eugen Bleuler, a Swiss psychiatrist, coined several terms: schizophrenia, schizoid, autism as well as ambivalence. He was referring to the split between a person’s emotions and their thoughts. in defining and analyzing severe psychiatric illnesses, Bleuler was way ahead of his time in recognizing that the causes for mental disturbances could be explained as an amalgam of psychological, neurochemical/ neurobiological and societal factors.

 

Origins of Anxiety

Ambivalence occurs naturally in our development. Margaret Mahler, one of the great child psychiatrists of the 20th century, studied maternal-infant relationships. She identified the stage of separation-individuation in which the child of 12 to 18 months begins to walk and separate from their mother. As the baby moves away from her (or the primary care-taker) ambivalence may be experienced in both the child and the caretaker. The baby wants to leave but also wants to return at will for reassurance, for what Mahler called “refueling.” The good-enough caretaker allows the steps away and back. In this fortuitous case, the child develops a sense of security. When the mom/caretaker isn’t open to the child’s efforts to leave and return, the baby experiences insecurity. Insecurity may even develop into an anxiety disorder later in life. 

 

A second phase of life, adolescence, is a variation of the separation-individuation theme. Now the child is coming into their own as an adult and often discovers differences in themselves that may conflict with parental tenets of life. Once again, this developmental phase engenders ambivalence in both adolescent and parent. When individual differences can be acknowledged and accepted, the transition from adolescence to adulthood goes (more or less) smoothly.

 

For example, Mr. L has been raised in a close-knit loving family. When he thought of moving to another state, love and guilt created ambivalence, contributing to a major depression. In weekly psychotherapy sessions, he defined the tug between his feelings and thoughts as he tried to separate from parents who were reluctant to let him go. Once he perceived this not uncommon predicament, he was able to understand and separate with less guilt and anxiety.

 

From Crazy to Creativity

Ambivalence is not infrequently a jumping off point to spur creativity. The artist may create in an attempt to acknowledge and unify opposing feelings and thoughts. To me, the Canadian poet-song-writer Leonard Cohen (1934-2016) is a master of ambivalence, which he expresses in many of his songs. In a classic one, “Chelsea Hotel,” repetitive phrases echo contradicting feelings: “I need you, I don’t need you, I need you, I don’t need you and all of that jazzing around.”  

 

I invite you, dear reader, to find examples of ambivalence in your own lives as well as the works of your favorite artists.

 

Conclusion: Given the ego strength, the self-esteem and courage to face who we are—feelings, thoughts and actions—ambivalence can be recognized and understood and used as a vital tool to gain insight about ourselves and our world.

 

Dear Reader, please write to me: jsimon145@gmail.com

 

 

Tribute to Schipperke Woolf

In memory of my late dog Woolf. 

Scorched by the Torch (of life)

            Jane Simon (November 20, 2021)
                        For Woolf (2006-2021)
 
A recent presence
is now an acute absence
one hopes in a lifetime
for few such occurrences
 
Loss is the word 
we want to, but we
can’t escape
there is no exit
 
From emptiness
the hole of sadness
to leave it somewhere
 
Anywhere. Dilute with drink
but the measure is too
temporary; we sink to the bottom
 of the glass that is never deep enough
 
The ache we can’t reach
the scratch that refuses
relief, we’re stuck
 
In this autoclave of heat
we’re burning with the cold
of the heat, scorched
by the torch of love
 
The cold and the heat of loss
we never would seek 
but to live and die is
our unending destiny

Printed in: 

THE NEW YORK TIMES METRO: MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2007 
METROPOLITAN DIARY 

Dear Diary:

The following is a report of the most amusing session in my decades of psychiatric practice.
My little black dog, Woolf, a rescue schipperke — from a breed created centuries ago in Belgium to patrol the barges and keep rats out of the grain — also proves to be an effective exterminator.

When a water bug made a surprise visit to my office, I summoned Woolf from the back room. He dutifully captured the insect, which, protruding from his mouth, he attempted to give to my patient. A bit phobic, she ran screeching into the waiting room and leapt onto a chair. Sensing her distress, he dropped the bug and ran to comfort her. 

Laughing hysterically, we returned to the office to interpret the event. She appreciated his gesture of the gift, and his perspicacity in placing her comfort above capture. A few hours later, she phoned to thank us for the best session ever.

Jane Simon

To Appreciate or Not

In typing my journal each morning, I review the previous day’s events and my thoughts, reaction and responses to them. This morning happens to be Memorial Day, the day on which we remember and appreciate those who died in active military service, defending our country.  

Today, I become aware that I have to work to appreciate what I have rather than focus on what I may not have. In other words, I realize that depreciation comes more easily than appreciation. I don’t know why this is so. Curious, I explore the topic.

I think that appreciation is a more active process than depreciation, that unfortunately, emanates more naturally to many of us. We often seem to need some hardship to put us in touch with what we had, have, may have before we perceive both sides of the equation: to have, or to have not. 

As we emerge from the pandemic, we recognize the many ways we may have changed. Sometimes for the better; sometimes for the worse. If we’ve been spared physical illness or even worse, ongoing medical issues/problems as a result of covid, we might come out of the pandemic with a heightened appreciation for intimacy and social engagement. 

What we took for granted, we now embrace as an almost new-found privilege.

We were deprived of social get-togethers so now, the chance to see friends and relatives holds greater pleasure than ever. Dining in restaurants imparts a heightened sense of pleasure and appreciation. For me, attending gym classes, especially Nia dance, has imbued appreciation as well as patience. In pre-covid days, I was more often late to class than not. And I glanced at the clock impatiently wanting it to end. Now I arrive on time and delight in every minute and I’m more in touch with which muscles are called into action. I appreciate the togetherness of fellow dance mates, and it goes without saying that the instructor, Caroline, whom I always loved, I perceive with renewed gratitude for her dedication, passion and spirit that she exudes to all of us.  

Let’s consider this photo that I include in this blog. What do you see? 

For me, I view a masterpiece—the various shades of greens and browns and the variegated shapes, hills and valleys of its diverse patterns. But when you hear what it is you may experience disgust because it is mold. I call it Mold Masterpiece, which nature grew and imposed on old, cream cheese pushed to the back shelf of my refrigerator, where of course, I forgot it. Well, my point is that here is that this is an opportunity to note the dual reality, to appreciate or depreciate something in a harmless situation that implies no consequences in our daily lives.

How our choice to appreciate or depreciate impacts us on many aspects of our being—mind, body and feelings/soul—is a topic for another blog.

Dear Readers, I invite you to share your thoughts and feelings and look forward to your responses.

Gratefully,

Jsimon145@gmail.com

Jane Simon, M.D.