Miners

Shrinks aren’t head-shrinkers

we are miners

treasuring the ore

of stories and memories

To Save the World This is All we Need

 

(Some Thoughts after reading the Obituary of Poet 

Bernadette Mayer, WSJ, December 10, 2022, p. B14 )

 

 

 

We come in all sizes and flavors

pigtailed or well-coiffed, etc., etc.

Our nationalities are many 

and to save our world

We simply have to recognize

that everyone needs to be seen

that everyone needs to be heard

that everyone needs some kind

of appreciation for who they are

for what they stand for

and hope to sort out

creativity from destructiveness

to share our thoughts and feelings

our gripes and delights

to open our ears and sights

to the possibilities of beauty

and ugliness in the nature of 

our being and to capitalize

on the beauty, to minimize the ugly

and to hear what is there 

as well as what is not there

and to love and love and love

which means connecting

and appreciating something 

within the heart and soul  

of each one of us

 

Embracing Our Differences

  

 

When do we do embrace and when do we distance ourselves from one another?

I think of us as magnets. We either attract or repel. My daily walks in the park with my dog highlight this point. Canines either engage and play with one another or snap and run away.

 

Last week I attended a book party at the Corner Bookstore (on Madison Avenue and 93^rd St) to hear the poets Molly Peacock and Phillis Levin discuss their decades long friendship with each other, detailed in Molly’s intriguing new mosaic of a prose and poetry, A Friend Sails in on a Poem.

 

Peacock has pieced together journalistic tidbits of their ventures in different places, including enticing food venues, along with some of their magnificent poems. The reader is privy to how they have nurtured each other and each other’s art, not by critiquing each other’s writing, but by listening, appreciating, encouraging and, at times, offering a sprinkling of helpful suggestions.Their relationship has deepened and mutually rewarded them for decades.

 

They met and were drawn to each other in their twenties in a poetry workshop at Johns Hopkins University and immediately recognized and embraced the differences in each other. How rare an art!

 

Peacock acknowledges she began as a confessional poet who doesn’t hesitate to expose her foibles, while Levin reveals herself as reserved and hesitant to expose the personal.

 

The morning after the reading, I wondered about what draws us to one another and, alternatively, what repulses?

 

Yesterday’s session with Mr. K. (name changed to mask his identity) popped into mind: Mr. K is thinking of ending his relationship with his woman friend of two years because she doesn’t like his friends and refuses to socialize with them. He can’t imagine how he can build a life with someone who doesn’t appreciate his friends. Neither of them cares to explore the causes for her dislike. It is what it is, just like puppies in the park. 

  

The opposite of love is not hate, which embodies an attachment of another kind.  Rather, it is indifference that smacks of lack of caring. 

 

Love involves sharing, accepting, caring, wanting the best for the other. Also important, though challenging at times, is doing something, participating, engaging in an activity that we’d prefer not to. Love can involve stepping out of our comfort zone. 

 

Competition can also obstruct friendship. Peacock and Levin acknowledge that competition was never an issue between them. Mutual regard for both similarities and differences lies at the foundation of their relationship. 

 

Hurting another’s feelings either intentionally or inadvertently distances the other. 

Honest communication is as essential to a relationship as soil and water are to nurturing a plant. By contrast dishonesty devalues our integrity and wounds our feelings as an arrow punctures flesh. I experienced this a few years ago in a relationship with a colleague whom I at first very much admired for her brilliance. Sadly, I had to let go and lose the benefits of our relationship when dishonesty undermined and dissolved the bond.

 

From Peacock’s A Friend Sails in on a Poem: “The reflection of love is in our diary entries from these years. At odd moments at breakfast in Cazenovia, together we made a shorthand of weather, food, and poem titles.”

 

Conclusion: Caring relationships are essential and are responsible for (the essence of ) our humanity and well-being.

 

Dear Readers, I welcome your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com

Consider Life as a Game of Baseball

 

In baseball, the goal is clear: to make a homerun and arrive home safely. Along the way, the player overcomes obstacles. Other players interfere with his progress, tag him out, while his teammates try to help him achieve the goal.  

 

Sounds a lot like life, doesn’t it? A homerun for ourselves can be viewed as a self-defined goal. It may be to land a coveted job, or to find a mate to marry. 

A home run may be a goal that we can accomplish in a day or a week or a month or year or even in a lifetime. these constructs are fluid and defining them is our own creative process. A home run can be as easy as making a commitment to place a difficult phone call or as consuming as getting through graduate school.

 

And of course, in life, as in baseball, we encounter obstacles and helpmates along the way.

Read on for some other ways baseball reflects life. 

 

Respect the boundaries

Both baseball and daily life are defined by boundaries. Hitting a ball outside the boundaries of the field constitutes a foul ball. In life, we have to learn about the essential nature of boundaries, which, unlike in the game, are invisible. 

 

Perhaps it is the clear demarcation of the field in contrast to everyday life appeals to us since life boundaries are complex and certainly, at times, tedious. Just ask a toddler who grapples with them multiple times every day. “I can touch this, but not that.” The world is confusing, and he gradually learns the rules. 

 

Life is unpredictable

The poet Marianne Moore (1887-1972) was a great fan, intrigued by its physicality and unpredictability of the game that she viewed like writing. 

 

The beginning of one of Moore’s Yankee poems reads:

“Writing is exciting

and baseball is like writing.

You can never tell with either

how it will go

or what you will do;

generating excitement”

 

Engaged in writing, Moore sees herself as an athlete, experimenting, striving within a strict format, enclosed within a (secular) unity of time. 

 

Faith and patience are required

Moore and her brother were Pauline Christians; there is mystery in sport and in religion and in her poetry, Moore combines them. Much of baseball as well as writing, she seems to say, is about learning to wait in an attitude of faith. 

 

Sometimes you need to take risks

For me, faith also involves taking action: as every baseball player knows and aims to use his best judgment in every move. For example, not so long ago, buying Apple at $30 per share was a risky proposition. But a well-timed investment ended up paying dividends.

 

The element of risk and the feeling of fear are present in baseball and in life and how we manage these factors to some extent determines our success in scoring homeruns.

 

Why psychotherapy? To define and navigate around obstacles

Some people begin psychotherapy because they don’t have a goal and need to explore the possibilities. Some have defined their goal or home run but encounter (what they see as insurmountable) obstacles in their path. 

 

Where is the obstacle? Some obstacles lie within the confines of our minds. For example, self-doubt: Can I accomplish what I want, or is this potential job too demanding? This question is grist for the mill of psychological treatment.

 

Other obstacles lie within the boundaries of the real world. Mr. L., for example, struggles with how to care for an aging mother that interferes with his goal to build his career. Given interference (as if from an opposing team), he learns to accept that his goal involves dealing with this outside interference as efficiently as possible and not allowing it to stymy him.  Recognizing the challenge can help him accept the interference and work toward a solution.

 

Sometimes life can be complicated by the fact that we’re not sure where we want to go. In other words, home plate is not yet in clear sight. Then we can explore the ground around the goal to define what home plate means for us. Going to college, for instance, is one potential route. If earning a living wage is the goal, learning a trade like plumbing may be an acceptable alternative. No matter what, a person must keep their eye on the ball to make sure they continue to aim toward home plate.

 

Conclusion: Visualizing life as a baseball game lends a sense of playfulness and achievement as well as acceptance of life’s challenges both within ourselves and in our world.

Dear Readers, I look forward to your comments: jsimon145@gmail.com.

Ambivalence: From Crazy to Creative

Ambivalence is defined as the state of having mixed feelings about something or someone. This disorienting condition is natural and universal, experienced by each one of us at various times in our lives.

Ambivalence can be experienced many times a day from inconsequential situations, like choosing which vegetable to eat for dinner, to major decisions like whether or not to marry a certain person.

 

Quite often, we’re not conscious or aware that we feel ambivalent. But in life-altering situations, failure to acknowledge this psychological state can plague us to the point of distraction. For example, Mr. O wondered if he should or should not move to California for a new job. This kind of major life change can motivate someone to begin psychotherapeutic treatment. In less far-reaching situations, ambivalence can lead to confusion and befuddlement. 

 

Parenting is naturally accompanied by ambivalence. A parent may wish that their child would disappear so they could experience the freedom that they knew before their baby’s birth. If a parent doesn’t know that these feelings are natural and universal, they may assume that they are abnormal or even “crazy.”

 

In his attempt to understand people suffering from mental illness in the 1900’s,

Eugen Bleuler, a Swiss psychiatrist, coined several terms: schizophrenia, schizoid, autism as well as ambivalence. He was referring to the split between a person’s emotions and their thoughts. in defining and analyzing severe psychiatric illnesses, Bleuler was way ahead of his time in recognizing that the causes for mental disturbances could be explained as an amalgam of psychological, neurochemical/ neurobiological and societal factors.

 

Origins of Anxiety

Ambivalence occurs naturally in our development. Margaret Mahler, one of the great child psychiatrists of the 20th century, studied maternal-infant relationships. She identified the stage of separation-individuation in which the child of 12 to 18 months begins to walk and separate from their mother. As the baby moves away from her (or the primary care-taker) ambivalence may be experienced in both the child and the caretaker. The baby wants to leave but also wants to return at will for reassurance, for what Mahler called “refueling.” The good-enough caretaker allows the steps away and back. In this fortuitous case, the child develops a sense of security. When the mom/caretaker isn’t open to the child’s efforts to leave and return, the baby experiences insecurity. Insecurity may even develop into an anxiety disorder later in life. 

 

A second phase of life, adolescence, is a variation of the separation-individuation theme. Now the child is coming into their own as an adult and often discovers differences in themselves that may conflict with parental tenets of life. Once again, this developmental phase engenders ambivalence in both adolescent and parent. When individual differences can be acknowledged and accepted, the transition from adolescence to adulthood goes (more or less) smoothly.

 

For example, Mr. L has been raised in a close-knit loving family. When he thought of moving to another state, love and guilt created ambivalence, contributing to a major depression. In weekly psychotherapy sessions, he defined the tug between his feelings and thoughts as he tried to separate from parents who were reluctant to let him go. Once he perceived this not uncommon predicament, he was able to understand and separate with less guilt and anxiety.

 

From Crazy to Creativity

Ambivalence is not infrequently a jumping off point to spur creativity. The artist may create in an attempt to acknowledge and unify opposing feelings and thoughts. To me, the Canadian poet-song-writer Leonard Cohen (1934-2016) is a master of ambivalence, which he expresses in many of his songs. In a classic one, “Chelsea Hotel,” repetitive phrases echo contradicting feelings: “I need you, I don’t need you, I need you, I don’t need you and all of that jazzing around.”  

 

I invite you, dear reader, to find examples of ambivalence in your own lives as well as the works of your favorite artists.

 

Conclusion: Given the ego strength, the self-esteem and courage to face who we are—feelings, thoughts and actions—ambivalence can be recognized and understood and used as a vital tool to gain insight about ourselves and our world.

 

Dear Reader, please write to me: jsimon145@gmail.com

 

 

Tribute to Schipperke Woolf

In memory of my late dog Woolf. 

Scorched by the Torch (of life)

            Jane Simon (November 20, 2021)
                        For Woolf (2006-2021)
 
A recent presence
is now an acute absence
one hopes in a lifetime
for few such occurrences
 
Loss is the word 
we want to, but we
can’t escape
there is no exit
 
From emptiness
the hole of sadness
to leave it somewhere
 
Anywhere. Dilute with drink
but the measure is too
temporary; we sink to the bottom
 of the glass that is never deep enough
 
The ache we can’t reach
the scratch that refuses
relief, we’re stuck
 
In this autoclave of heat
we’re burning with the cold
of the heat, scorched
by the torch of love
 
The cold and the heat of loss
we never would seek 
but to live and die is
our unending destiny

Printed in: 

THE NEW YORK TIMES METRO: MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2007 
METROPOLITAN DIARY 

Dear Diary:

The following is a report of the most amusing session in my decades of psychiatric practice.
My little black dog, Woolf, a rescue schipperke — from a breed created centuries ago in Belgium to patrol the barges and keep rats out of the grain — also proves to be an effective exterminator.

When a water bug made a surprise visit to my office, I summoned Woolf from the back room. He dutifully captured the insect, which, protruding from his mouth, he attempted to give to my patient. A bit phobic, she ran screeching into the waiting room and leapt onto a chair. Sensing her distress, he dropped the bug and ran to comfort her. 

Laughing hysterically, we returned to the office to interpret the event. She appreciated his gesture of the gift, and his perspicacity in placing her comfort above capture. A few hours later, she phoned to thank us for the best session ever.

Jane Simon

To Appreciate or Not

In typing my journal each morning, I review the previous day’s events and my thoughts, reaction and responses to them. This morning happens to be Memorial Day, the day on which we remember and appreciate those who died in active military service, defending our country.  

Today, I become aware that I have to work to appreciate what I have rather than focus on what I may not have. In other words, I realize that depreciation comes more easily than appreciation. I don’t know why this is so. Curious, I explore the topic.

I think that appreciation is a more active process than depreciation, that unfortunately, emanates more naturally to many of us. We often seem to need some hardship to put us in touch with what we had, have, may have before we perceive both sides of the equation: to have, or to have not. 

As we emerge from the pandemic, we recognize the many ways we may have changed. Sometimes for the better; sometimes for the worse. If we’ve been spared physical illness or even worse, ongoing medical issues/problems as a result of covid, we might come out of the pandemic with a heightened appreciation for intimacy and social engagement. 

What we took for granted, we now embrace as an almost new-found privilege.

We were deprived of social get-togethers so now, the chance to see friends and relatives holds greater pleasure than ever. Dining in restaurants imparts a heightened sense of pleasure and appreciation. For me, attending gym classes, especially Nia dance, has imbued appreciation as well as patience. In pre-covid days, I was more often late to class than not. And I glanced at the clock impatiently wanting it to end. Now I arrive on time and delight in every minute and I’m more in touch with which muscles are called into action. I appreciate the togetherness of fellow dance mates, and it goes without saying that the instructor, Caroline, whom I always loved, I perceive with renewed gratitude for her dedication, passion and spirit that she exudes to all of us.  

Let’s consider this photo that I include in this blog. What do you see? 

For me, I view a masterpiece—the various shades of greens and browns and the variegated shapes, hills and valleys of its diverse patterns. But when you hear what it is you may experience disgust because it is mold. I call it Mold Masterpiece, which nature grew and imposed on old, cream cheese pushed to the back shelf of my refrigerator, where of course, I forgot it. Well, my point is that here is that this is an opportunity to note the dual reality, to appreciate or depreciate something in a harmless situation that implies no consequences in our daily lives.

How our choice to appreciate or depreciate impacts us on many aspects of our being—mind, body and feelings/soul—is a topic for another blog.

Dear Readers, I invite you to share your thoughts and feelings and look forward to your responses.

Gratefully,

Jsimon145@gmail.com

Jane Simon, M.D.

ASSUMPTIONS and the Power They Play in our Lives

 

 

Assumptions both keep us alive and lead to our demise.

 

When we board a jet plane to go on vacation, we do well to assume 

we’ll arrive safely. If we are afraid the jet will crash, we suffer from anxiety.

 

When we cross the street in the walkway with the light, we naturally 

assume we will get to the other side. And chances are in our favor that we will. 

 

What is an assumption? An assumption is something that we accept as true or as certain to happen without proof. Assumptions are ubiquitous. We can’t avoid making

hundreds of them every day!

 

Some work out well; some are disastrous. When an assumption increases

anxiety, we do well to explore its underpinnings. On the other hand, when

an assumption decreases anxiety it is helping us function. For example, 

in this difficult time of the pandemic, assuming that we will emerge 

from it with greater knowledge of viral diseases, can help to decrease

anxiety. 

 

Dynamics of Assumptions

 

More than 40 years ago, my first psychoanalyst taught me about assumptions 

presumably in response to an unhelpful assumption that I’d introduced. He related a 

graphic “lawnmower story,” as follows: 

 

A man wants to borrow his neighbor’s lawn mower and heads across the lawn to his neighbor’s house several blocks away. During his walk he assumes that the neighbor most likely will veto his request. He repeats the negative scenario in his head over and over again.  By the time he arrives at his neighbor’s door, he’s in a rage. When the neighbor opens the door, he punches him in the face. “You can keep your darn lawn mower anyway,” he says leaving the baffled man with a black eye. 

 

The wallop of this message demonstrates the power of assumptions.

Sorting out what goes on in our heads as opposed to what is happening in the world outside ourselves is a never-ending conundrum. Those who are accurate most of the time, function better in life.

 

Take, for instance, the event that served as the inspiration for this blog. During a Sunday breakfast of lox and bagels, my partner  began reviewing the bill from our Saturday evening’s dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. Before he even glanced at the bill, he remarked that it had cost him over $200! I was immediately taken aback. First of all, I thought he was off the mark by $20-$30. Second of all, I I felt insulted because I assumed that he resented paying for our dinner and perhaps expected me to pay or share the bill.

 

He claimed he didn’t mean what I assumed.  He simply wanted to know what he’d paid for dinner. Then he raised a question: Did I prefer that he review the bill at the restaurant before plunking down his credit card?

 

“Of course,” I answered. “Then you’d catch an error if there were one.”

 

But he objected, “I assumed that doing so would be impolite.”

 

“No,” I assured him_“that wasn’t my understanding at all.”

 

Both of us had made assumptions based on our past experiences. Taking responsibility for our mis-assumptions had a positive outcome that advanced our relationship and benefitted our pocketbooks. The next time we dined out, he reviewed the tab and found that he’d been charged for two bottles of wine instead of one. As a result, he saved $50.

 

We are locked inside the realm of our own experience so can’t help but

to make assumptions on the basis of our past experience. But circumstances

are constantly changing! Therefore, it is inevitable that we’ll encounter 

instances in which the past impinges on the present to cause problems. 

 

Books could be written about the occurrence of assumptions and mis-assumptions—those that have paid off and those that have fizzled-throughout the course of history, literature and science—as well as throughout our personal lives. But I’ll limit this blog to everyday assumptions with a slant toward the psychological. 

 

A negative assumption can put us in a bad mood and a positive assumption can lift our 

spirits. But we learn from both the negative and the positive ones.

 

Tragically an assumption turned negative in January 2022 for a 15-year-old girl killed by a school bus in the Bronx when crossing with the light in the walkway. (To make matters worse, instead of coming to her aid, the bus driver drove away, unaware that he’d struck and killed a human being.)

 

From this tragedy, we can take away the concept of caution. This positive strategy can help us reset our anxious thinking to cautious action. 

 

Patterns of our assumptions are often identified in psychotherapy. For example, a patient I’ll call Mr. Q.  assumed that his friends should give him more attention. He didn’t realize that his demands of them drove them away. Identifying the pattern allowed him step to outside his needs and to see people apart from himself. Paradoxically, when he demanded less, he received more from others. 

 

Conclusion: The exploration of our personal assumptions gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves, our intricate psychological make-up, and the world in which we live, in both the present and the past.

 

Please feel free to share your comments: jsimon145@gmail.com