Forced out of Our Comfort Zone

Like most other humans, I want to experience myself as “in charge” of my life. But as we know, sometimes things happen that lie beyond our control. What surprises us is that these untoward occurrences can turn out to be blessings in disguise.

Several examples spring to mind:

1. Although I dreamed of being an only child, my siblings have been a source of growth. (As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, my psychoanalyst said, “Your siblings prevented you from being more self-involved.”)

2. Mr. Q wanted to communicate with his friends around the world, but fearing his privacy would be invaded and his identity stolen, refused to use a computer. When the landline to his phone was shut down for repair, he was forced to purchase (a readily available one) that happened to be a smart phone with internet service. He recognized the irony: circumstances had forced him to do what he feared. He became an avid communicator, emailing and texting several times a day. Re-connecting with old friends changed his life for the better.

3. Fired from a part-time job gave Mr. P. the time to follow his passion to paint.

4. Circumstances beyond her control (her mother’s death and an unhappy marriage) motivated the physician Karen Horney to immigrate from Europe to the U.S.  Her observations of the differences in culture provided the basis for her psychoanalytic theory.  Her writings, the first of which was The Neurotic Personality of Our Time (1937), expanded Freudian psychoanalysis to include the relevance of cultural influences and personal relationships.

Conclusion: Recognizing that circumstances beyond our capacity may prove advantageous allows us to relinquish tight control and to lighten our outlook.

Dear Reader, Please think of examples from your own life and feel free to comment. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Chapters of Our Lives

To look upon our life in terms of chapters can be useful. We can identify themes and patterns that pervade each portion.  We can recognize hopes and dreams we’ve pursued and fulfilled, or by contrast, delayed or even buried from awareness.

Developmental psychologists have viewed adulthood in terms of phases too. Dr. Erik Erikson observed eight stages, discussed in his seminal book, Childhood and Society (1950 ). Gail Sheehy, journalist and  popular writer of the best seller, Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life  (1976 ) offers a roadmap of personality and sexual changes we go through in our 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond.

The chapters of our lives undoubtedly intersect with the themes outlined by the theorists, but we can divide the phases as we like--perhaps in terms of personal milestones,  professions, hobbies, family patterns, life style, etc.

Each of us faces obstacles that interfere with becoming the “real” person within. For example, factors within ourselves, our family, society and/or culture can obstruct our choice of occupation or sexual orientation. Ideally, we identify and confront these opposing forces.

For example, Ms. B., an artist, had taken various jobs to earn a living but neglected her life long dream of becoming a sculptor.  When she recognized this omission, she changed the direction of her life.

Ms. K. had focused on earning a living through sales and had put off her goal to become a psychotherapist. In her fourth decade she knew it was time to follow this path.

In several chapters of his life, Mr. C has viewed himself as a victim of his family He’s felt coerced to re-locate and work in the family business. In his next chapter, he intends to harness his power (to stand up to his family) and lead his life according to his dream--that is, to live where he wants and work at an office job.

Recognizing a theme that pervades a family saga can offer perspective. After years of self-analysis, I realize that I, and several members of my family leave out essential details in our communications. For example, I forgot to inform my siblings that our cousins were visiting for a family celebration. Now that I have identified this pattern, I make a conscious effort to include details. I also point out when others forget to communicate, and even laugh about it. “There we go again,” I say.

 (The family pattern reminds me of the ten blind men palpating the elephant, one describes the ear, another the tail, but no one pieces together the shape of the entire animal.)

We may experience a set back in one chapter, a triumph in the next. Life can be viewed as successful if we take responsibility and grapple with the forces that oppose our authenticity (or a tragedy if we fail to take advantage of opportunities).

Conclusion: Ideally, each chapter in our life story brings us closer to our real selves by confronting the forces that oppose its expression.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Maintenance and the Body Self

Research points unequivocally to factors that lead to longevity—namely, a healthy diet and regular exercise. Yet to many, the notion that our bodies require attention to maintain good health is an aberrant or even abhorrent thought.

We may be more likely to take care of mechanical objects like cars and boats, in spite of the fact that they can be more easily replaced than body parts.

As I think about the matter, I recognize the enormous complexity of factors that impact our attitudes toward maintaining our bodies. From early life, many forces impact us like billiard balls on the pool table striking in haphazard fashion, hurling us helter-skelter. These include intra-psychic, interpersonal, social, religious and cultural factors.

Attitudes toward our body are instilled through our relationships with parents or caretakers. In other words, if the body isn’t cherished, we don’t learn to take care of it.

Perceptions of our body self change throughout our lifetime. Some of my middle-aged clients describe the loss and disappointment as good health no longer comes naturally. Now the body requires maintenance, including exercise and dietary modifications to reduce calories and carbohydrates.

Religious upbringing impacts us, too. Mr. Q. was raised as a Catholic and paid little attention to his body, which he regarded as a necessary evil. In church he acquired the attitude that the body is lesser than the soul and may serve as an impediment to the spirit.  By contrast, people inclined to follow the Eastern philosophies recognize the inter-relationship of the body, mind and spirit in which health is perceived as a harmonious equilibrium between the interplay of the body and mind, or emotions, and the environment. Exercise and a healthy diet maintain the body and in turn impact the mind and spirit.

Interpersonal factors also play a role. For example, the lifestyle of Mr. and Mrs. W. didn’t include exercise. For recreation, they shared a gallon of ice cream a few times a week.  After they divorced, each blamed the other for their weight problems. In the final analysis, the dynamics of an unsatisfactory marriage was the obstacle that interfered with maintaining their health.

Conclusion: We do well to unravel the complex blocks to “good enough” self-maintenance in order to live long and healthy lives.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Siblings: A Complex Conundrum

The sibling relationship runs the gamut of possibilities:

By dint of their common background, brothers and sisters have the potential to help or hurt each other throughout their lives. The relationship has great potential to teach and reward, similar to an abandoned gold mine that  explored with a new perspective, yields riches.

Each sib may have a different relationship with their parents or caretakers because:

1. Parents and family circumstances change over time.

2. Parents respond differently to each child.

Parents who show favoritism don’t foster positive sibling relationships. In  contrast, hardships within the family or environment can facilitate bonding and teamwork. (There are many literary examples, among which is the classic children’s favorite, The Boxcar Children by G.C. Warren in which the siblings run away and live in an abandoned railroad car and manage very well without an adult.

Although we don’t choose our sibs, as we do our friends and lovers, they can be considered among the most intimate connection because:

1 We share some genes.

 2. We spend some early developmental years together.

 3. Ideally, we maintain lifelong contact. Since sibs are “family,” we’re less likely to divorce them.

Maintaining contact can be a struggle at times, and in tragic situations, a sibling relationship is poisonous (for one or the other) and the relationship is lopped off like a gangrenous limb. The best resolution, however, is forgiveness even when it’s incredibly difficult, as when an untrustworthy sibling runs off with (more than his share of) the inheritance.

Ideally sibs are motivated to examine and process their effect on each other, to work out their difficulties and apply the understanding they’ve gained to other relationships.

 (If not, the riches of the gold mine remain buried.)

My sister and I agree that both our parents were overly critical. Raised in a different epoch, they may have believed that criticism builds character, and thought:  if a child feels too good about himself, he’ll become conceited.

But at times, their approach lacked empathy, as they failed to put themselves in their children’s shoes. The fallout has resulted in  “less than ideal” self  esteem. We’ve struggled on a rocky trail to the mountain summit to feel OK, the goal

of the best selling book from 1969,  I’m OK-You’re OK. (Author Thomas Harris based his writing on Eric Berne’s approach of Transactional Analysis, the psychological theory that studies the three different ego states in which a person engages, and may conflict  in transactions with another person’s ego states.  This approach is remarkably relevant to this day.)

As a result my sister and I are (overly) sensitive to criticism, and prone to over-reacting. This sensitivity has motivated me to work for years to re-frame and couch criticism in constructive terms. However, at moments, I revert with a sudden (involuntary?) snipe that sets us back to the stone age of our relationship.  

(Friends, colleagues, clients, please don’t worry. This phenomenon is limited to family relationships.)

Conclusion: Siblings may experience cycles of closeness, conflict, and distance over the years. Holding firm when the road is rough can reap huge rewards.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com