Most of us assume other people are
similar to ourselves. This is a tough trap to avoid because we can only know
others through our own experience, feelings and thoughts. But to grasp the
essence of another person, we may extend beyond our own (past) experience.
Gradually, by listening and observing
actions, from (hard knocks of) disappointment and dashed expectations, we’re
disillusioned as we learn that the other is indeed “the other.”
The pediatrician and child
psychiatrist, D.W. Winnicott addressed the challenge of the “good-enough,”
mother tasked with disillusioning her child. An infant naturally assumes he is
the center of the world. He must learn about other people and their needs,
separate and apart from his own. (Failure to disillusion her child, can result
in dire consequences like the development of an anti-social person who lacks
empathy and organizes his life around fulfilling his own needs, often at the
expense of others.
This process of differentiation,
especially from those closest to us, continues throughout a lifetime. For
example, Ms. H., a middle-aged woman, married for many years, suffered from
depression. Gradually, she realized her dysphoria was rooted in anger toward
her husband. She had assumed he shared her goal to pay down their credit card
bill quickly, and that he’d work extra hours to do so. When he planned an
expensive vacation, she realized his value system differed from hers. Her
awareness of his “otherness” helped to resolve her depression and confront the
matter. The couple devised a mutually acceptable repayment schedule and
compromised on a less expensive vacation.
Conclusion: The disillusioning
process that begins between a mother and her child early in development, continues
through adulthood as we distinguish ourselves from others. As we differentiate and negotiate, we learn about ourselves,
too.
Dear Reader: I welcome your
thoughts.
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