The Opportunity of Envy

Envy has been relegated to the (category of the) taboo.  But instead of shunning it, we can learn from facing and probing this “despicable” emotion. Acknowledging what we envy offers the opportunity to direct or re-orient our lives to achieve our goals and second, to avoid acting out our feelings to the detriment of ourselves and others.

The Queen Mother in the fairy tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves is a tragic case of envy acted out destructively. She envies her beautiful young daughter and instead of recognizing her emotion (and directing it to an advantage), she attempts to poison Snow White.

Envy is like a yellow light signaling  “stop, look, listen.”

True we can’t always have what we envy. The loss of youth is an unavoidable deprivation.  The challenge (of la condition humaine) is to discover how to turn loss to advantage.

Holding on to envy leaves us empty, dissatisfied, and resentful, sapping us ( of the greater goal) of fulfillment. Recognizing her envy, the Queen Mother could have re-directed her efforts toward, for example, espousing a philanthropic cause, which would in turn have helped her experience purpose and fulfillment and be remembered as a “good” person.

We envy something we’d like for ourselves. I found myself envying another person’s free time. He scheduled his hours according to his own design, allowing him the luxury to read several newspapers every day.  My envy signaled that I wanted more free time, and I re-directed my effort toward this goal.

Conclusion: Feeling envious offers a valuable opportunity to examine our lives and redirect our energies.

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome. jsimon145@gmail.com.

The Error of Assumptions

Assumptions constitute a quandry of la condition humaine. We have to assume a great deal to get through our day, yet assumptions can lead to disaster. Each of us walks an invisible tightrope, assuming just enough but not too much. The outcome depends on judgment and perhaps a smidgeon of luck.

Recently, I experienced a minor mishap when I assumed that the stylist knew what products to use on my hair. That assumption resulted in a less than ideal outcome.

Here’s an extreme example of faulty assumptions. A study of plane crashes revealed a pattern that surprised me. The usual cause of most accidents wasn’t mechanical failure but rather human error. And worse, the mistakes could be summed up in the word assumption. Because of their status, the pilots assumed they had all the answers, and as a result failed to heed the warnings from their crew. This simple matter of assuming resulted in disaster.

In his book "The Tipping Point,“ Malcolm Gladwell quotes Earl Weener who was chief engineer for safety at Boeing for many years. “Airplanes are very unforgiving if you don’t do things right. And for a long time it’s been clear that if you have two people operating the airplane cooperatively, you will have a safer operation than if you have a single pilot flying the plane and another person who is simply there to take over if the pilot is incapacitated.”

Clearly. If a pilot assumes he “knows it all,” he will not question his assumptions or allow anyone else to do so either.

Conclusion: In our daily lives, we walk the tightrope of making and questioning assumptions in order to thrive and survive.

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome. Jsimon145@gmail.com

The Cat as Metaphor

The Cat as Metaphor

My cat, Gigi, has improved in appearance and sociability since I’ve begun to dole out her victuals in small quantities. She’s shed a pound and in spite of ripe middle age, has become more agile and personable like a kitten.

(Apparently, filling her bowl once daily caused her to overeat and become lazy and fat.)

Let’s consider the metaphor: A little struggle in life can be a blessing. A cat or a person may overindulge and develop a feeling of entitlement when receiving everything offered to them (too easily or on a silver platter).

Dear Reader: Your comments are welcome. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Of Real Estate and Relationships

Hundreds of thousands of books have been written about real estate and perhaps more, on relationships. But for all the pages devoted to them, (the value of) each of those topics can be captured with one word. For real estate the word is location and for relationships, it is communication.

Real estate value changes as locations rise and fall in desirability and popularity. Forces beyond our control, like natural and man-made disasters contribute to the unpredictability of its value. 

By contrast, we have more control and “say” in relationships. Their value increases depending on our  willingness to communicate.

Communication is complicated; even the superficial exchange of words is rarely straightforward.  To listen and really hear the words and their meaning requires the investment of time and attention.

Imago therapy founded by Harville Hendrix, author of  Getting the Love You Want, focuses on one member in the relationship hearing the other accurately. (Each person repeats the other’s words in order to correct the distortions).

An example from my practice is the wife who experienced her husband’s words as “pressure,” although he was attempting to express “concern” in urging her to undergo a test for cancer. 

Words have a greater impact on children, which is reflected in their behavior.  Because they can be ruthlessly honest and direct, children make excellent teachers in helping us recognize the innuendos of our words.

Honing our communication skills increases a relationship’s assets. Conversely, ignoring the impact of our words may result in disaster, similar to a plant that withers from insufficient water and light.

Conclusion: The value of relationships increases through investment in accurate communication.

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