Siblings: A Complex Conundrum

The sibling relationship runs the gamut of possibilities:

By dint of their common background, brothers and sisters have the potential to help or hurt each other throughout their lives. The relationship has great potential to teach and reward, similar to an abandoned gold mine that  explored with a new perspective, yields riches.

Each sib may have a different relationship with their parents or caretakers because:

1. Parents and family circumstances change over time.

2. Parents respond differently to each child.

Parents who show favoritism don’t foster positive sibling relationships. In  contrast, hardships within the family or environment can facilitate bonding and teamwork. (There are many literary examples, among which is the classic children’s favorite, The Boxcar Children by G.C. Warren in which the siblings run away and live in an abandoned railroad car and manage very well without an adult.

Although we don’t choose our sibs, as we do our friends and lovers, they can be considered among the most intimate connection because:

1 We share some genes.

 2. We spend some early developmental years together.

 3. Ideally, we maintain lifelong contact. Since sibs are “family,” we’re less likely to divorce them.

Maintaining contact can be a struggle at times, and in tragic situations, a sibling relationship is poisonous (for one or the other) and the relationship is lopped off like a gangrenous limb. The best resolution, however, is forgiveness even when it’s incredibly difficult, as when an untrustworthy sibling runs off with (more than his share of) the inheritance.

Ideally sibs are motivated to examine and process their effect on each other, to work out their difficulties and apply the understanding they’ve gained to other relationships.

 (If not, the riches of the gold mine remain buried.)

My sister and I agree that both our parents were overly critical. Raised in a different epoch, they may have believed that criticism builds character, and thought:  if a child feels too good about himself, he’ll become conceited.

But at times, their approach lacked empathy, as they failed to put themselves in their children’s shoes. The fallout has resulted in  “less than ideal” self  esteem. We’ve struggled on a rocky trail to the mountain summit to feel OK, the goal

of the best selling book from 1969,  I’m OK-You’re OK. (Author Thomas Harris based his writing on Eric Berne’s approach of Transactional Analysis, the psychological theory that studies the three different ego states in which a person engages, and may conflict  in transactions with another person’s ego states.  This approach is remarkably relevant to this day.)

As a result my sister and I are (overly) sensitive to criticism, and prone to over-reacting. This sensitivity has motivated me to work for years to re-frame and couch criticism in constructive terms. However, at moments, I revert with a sudden (involuntary?) snipe that sets us back to the stone age of our relationship.  

(Friends, colleagues, clients, please don’t worry. This phenomenon is limited to family relationships.)

Conclusion: Siblings may experience cycles of closeness, conflict, and distance over the years. Holding firm when the road is rough can reap huge rewards.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com

The Two-Way Street of Communication

A petite although agile senior citizen, I boarded the #10 bus a few evenings ago laden with groceries. There were no empty seats, but I noticed a toddler occupying her own seat while her mother sat close by. I hoped the mother would follow the protocol, pick up the child, and offer the seat to me. Instead, she stared straight ahead as if I were invisible. My neck muscles tensed and blood rushed to my head while she remained oblivious! My next thought: I don’t need the seat anyway; I’m strong enough to stand. Disappointingly, that conviction failed to defuse my anger.

  Unable to forget the incident the next day, I realized it must have deeper meaning.  As an old saying goes, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”  The mother’s unawareness had kicked into my personal struggle to become more aware of others.

 Many years ago my brother said, “I don’t know if you realize it, but you seem to sense a person’s vulnerability like an Achilles heel.” He was referring to a comment I’d made that wounded my sister -in–law.

 In other words, his critical remark had nurtured my awareness. To apply this lesson to the woman on the bus: My speaking up had the potential to help her become more aware. Realizing the power I wielded (to ask for the seat, politely of course) melted away my anger like snow (on the sidewalk) on a sunny day.

Conclusion: The two-way street of communication has the power to nurture awareness of self and others.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments.

Jsimon145@gmail.com

The Negative Side of Narcissism: Invisibility and Violence

Last week’s post focused on the positive aspects of narcissism. This week’s missive explores the downside. This gargantuan topic is especially relevant in our culture, where the numbers of random shootings, bombings, and knifings continue to increase.

As I wrote earlier, the narcissistically injured person can positively channel his feelings of inferiority by excelling in his professional field. However, lacking a creative outlet or opportunity, the narcissistically injured person is more likely to turn to violence.

Narcissistic injury (or damage to self esteem) begins during the developmental years when the individual doesn’t receive positive feedback (or mirroring) and encouragement for his real or genuine qualities and talents from parents or caretakers. As a result, on a deep psychological level, he feels “unseen” or “invisible” and underappreciated for who he really is. Consequentially, he is less able to cope with environmental stresses.

In our media-driven culture, stardom is tantamount. In a quest to be visible and achieve hero status, the person with a narcissistic personality disorder, can turn to violence. Tragedy churns the wheels of profit. In his destructive acts, the anti-hero captures the spotlight and derives his moments of fame.

Speaking on TV violence, Andy Greenwald (staff writer for Grantland.com) wrote in an essay last year, ”Some of this carnage is artistic and some of it is gratuitous, but eventually all of it takes a toll. A simple evening unwinding on the couch can now be as relaxing as an autopsy; the spots dancing in front of your eyes after a DVR binge are stained red and they’re spreading.”

These days a philosopher might say,  “I’m visible; therefore I am.” The essence of “being” contrasts to the days of the ancient philosopher Rene Descartes who lived in the early 1600’s, and declared, “I think therefore I am.”

In other words, identity and worth appear to be based, not on our ability to think, but rather on an image or ‘being seen.’

Two recent episodes of random violence include the army Specialist Ivan Lopez, who killed three and wounded 16 before killing himself at Fort Hood. He had expressed grudges (against the army). He didn’t earn enough to support his ex-wife and children and his new family. He seemed angry that he was granted only 24 hours leave to attend his mother’s funeral.

Most likely he experienced hopelessness and victimization and thought:  What’s the point of it all when the system is rigged against me and no one is listening? (The clue is to really listen and respond to someone in dire distress.)

(In a previous blog post, I wrote about a Con Ed worker who began psychotherapy after he was traumatized by a gas explosion involving loss of lives. He feared that he would harm his co-workers who seemed unresponsive to his stress. After many years of talk therapy, he healed.)

Hate crimes, such as last week’s attack on the Jewish center in Kansas, are fueled by a kind of narcissism. People hate in order to feel superior to others and defend themselves against  (unconscious) feelings of inferiority. Often feeling less-than another person originates from childhood abuse. (Please refer to Alice Miller’s 1980 book, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence)

Random and unpredictable acts of violence are likely to increase until we do the following:

1. Recognize the need to nurture understanding and empathy (at home, in school and in the work place),

2. Provide adequate support to stressed individuals and

3.  Monitor access to firearms and other weapons.

Conclusion: To counterbalance our media-driven culture, we best recognize and respect people for their positive qualities, contributions to their families and to society that extend beyond image and stardom.

Dear Reader, I welcome your opinions. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Owning Our Narcissism

Narcissism is a term we fling around today in myriad situations without defining what we mean. In a broad sense, narcissism implies an overinvestment or involvement in the self to the point of excluding an awareness of other people.

The origins of the word date back to ancient Greek myth of Narcissus, a handsome young man who stared into a pool of crystal water and fell in love with his own image.

A person with a narcissistic personality disorder, as classified in The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of psychiatry is “characterized by a long-standing pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behavior), an overwhelming need for admiration and usually a complete lack of empathy toward others. People with this disorder often believe they are of primary importance in everybody’s life or to anyone they meet.

People aren’t born narcissistic but learn to overinvest in themselves as a defense against psychological wounding. At a recent Harvard conference for physicians in Boston on Writing and Publishing, Dr. S. related a graphic story to document the development of his narcissistic tendencies. His older brother, a scholar, had written many books (and may have been the favorite child).  On her deathbed, Dr. S.’s mother asked him why he hadn’t written as many books as his brother!

To fall short, to come up as “less than” when compared to someone else, is a graphic example of the way in which a narcissistic injury is inflicted. The wound is especially severe when the ego is punctured by a parent or caretaker early in life.

Dr. S. used humor to tell his tale and in this way transformed pain and sadness (of semi-rejection) into entertainment. He inspired me to write on this topic when he added that most of us physicians display at least a trace of narcissism. (We have to be somewhat “self-involved” to get through the grueling training to become physician).

Healthy self-esteem develops from appropriate nurturing, feedback or mirroring, appreciation and support that helps us develop our talents and gifts.

Healthy narcissism, or an investment in the (real) self, implies the ability to care about others and possesses the confidence to solve problems and pursue one’s talents and dreams.

We’re less likely to strike out (in destructive ways) against other people when we own our narcissistic tendencies. This requires insight, often acquired over many years of psychotherapy/analysis and/or self-analysis.

Healthy narcissism can also fuel creative pursuits. Stephen Sondheim, the great and prolific modern composer incorporates his wounded-ness into his art. A rejecting, narcissistic mother spurred him on to a lifetime of creativity.

A touch of narcissism can be an asset and a key to success. A new study in Personnel Psychology, shows that moderate levels of narcissism can provide self-confidence needed to propel a person into a leadership position. In the case of extreme (or pathological) narcissism, the vital quality of empathy is lacking.

In other words, the antidote to narcissism is empathy. Narcissism is the antithesis of empathy and empathy the enemy of narcissism, like the clove of garlic that disarms a vampire.

Conclusion: Empathy is the antidote for extreme or pathological narcissism. A person who combines narcissistic tendencies and empathy may very well rise to a leadership position.

Dear Reader, Please share your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Sink or Thrive?

Some people emerge from their psychotherapy satisfied that the experience has changed their lives. Others remain dubious about the process and don’t seem to benefit.

Arianna Huffington, the founder of  The Huffington Post, was interviewed by Barbara Walters at the 92^nd St. Y on March 25  on the occasion of the publication of her new book, Thrive  (Harmony Press). She spoke about individuals and their different approaches to a hardship such as unemployment. She noted that some people seem unable to rally, while others transform an obstacle into opportunity.

The question is: what are the differences between the two groups--those who sink, and those who thrive? 

Ms. G., a widow had dedicated her life to her husband and children. After her children established lives of their own, she found herself alone and unable to connect to the world. She considered possible interests but remained unengaged and hopeless and stopped psychotherapy.

After Mr. K., a single, middle-aged man, lost his job he felt isolated and became depressed.  Within a few months, he realized a key to his happiness in the past had been  friendships. He rallied when he re-kindled old relationships and joined a book club to meet new people.  These connections led to opportunities for new work.

People who change share some characteristics. (If they don’t begin the psychotherapeutic process with these qualities, ideally the therapist helps them acquire them.)

1.     First, they acknowledge a problem.

2.     They have the desire to understand themselves and their situation.

3.      They have the will and believe in the power to change. 

4.      They formulate a plan of action.

The individual is a microcosm; but these same principals apply to the macrocosm of our world and our survival as a species.

For example, the world is faced with the severe environmental factors that threaten to destroy us. (“Panel’s Warning on Climate Risk: Worst is to Come, Effects already felt”, The New York Times, March 31).

 So:

1.Will our governments acknowledge that change is essential?

2. Will they implement a successful plan to find the solutions?

If a problem of this magnitude is ignored or denied, we’ll sink.

We know what we have to change the amount of greenhouse emissions. “Nobody on this planet is going to be untouched by the impacts of climate change,” said the chairman of the intergovernmental panel of the U.N.

Conclusion: The same principles apply whether the matter is personal or political. If we acknowledge the problem and our power to find solutions, we’ll most likely thrive. On the other hand, if we deny the problem, we may very well sink.

Dear Reader, I welcome your opinions. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Why We Can’t All Be Friends

Many of us would be pleased if everyone liked us and we liked everyone. But this preference doesn’t pan out in real life. Pursuing this goal often stems from a less-than-ideal early environment that failed to nurture and support a real and independent sense of self.

As a result, this person wants to be liked/loved by everyone to assure himself that he is okay. This tactic doesn't work. Instead, burdened by this impossible task, he suffers, perhaps even to the extreme of becoming depressed.

In reality, we have likes and dislikes, and a diversity of opinions. Sometimes a dislike is immediate. Sometimes it develops with time and familiarity. It can be as intense as a food allergy or as uproarious as dogs sparring in the street when they get a whiff of each other.

Understanding another person is difficult too, and as the poet Elizabeth Bishop said, “We can not love what we don’t understand.” To understand another person is a lofty, often unattainable goal.

Given the limitation of time and our complexity, we can’t aspire to understand more than the tip of the iceberg of ourselves, another person or our world. What then are we to do? Getting along with others requires balancing two, often conflicting, aspects of human nature.

David Brooks (the New York Times, March 14)  summarizes  the state of our  knowledge of neurobiology, psychology and cognitive science that reveals two systems of our human nature.  Deep in the core of our being there are the unconscious natural processes built in by evolution. These embedded unconscious processes propel us to procreate or strut or think in certain ways, often impulsively. Then, at the top, we have our conscious, rational processes. This top layer does its best to exercise some restraint and executive function.

The top layer is a relatively recent layer of rationality. But a concept easily bypasses the new, more fragile, rational part of the brain, to penetrate and excite our emotions. The rational is delicate, fragile, like a soluble substance. By contrast, the emotional is like a durable substance, stubborn like oil that easily rises to the surface.

Because the emotional or irrational aspects of our nature often predominate, we have to work hard to get along with others.

Conclusion:   In essence, similar to many other animals on the planet, we are programmed to like and dislike, to love and hate. To tolerate and understand our differences embodies a great evolutionary achievement and a worthy goal.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Time as a Road Map

When considering our relationship to time, it’s helpful to envision being on a road trip. Locating ourselves on the map of time can increase self-awareness. Are we impatient? If so, we’re revving up our motor, consuming energy, without going anywhere. Focusing on the internal environment of our thoughts and feelings can center us and reduce stress.

If we’re procrastinating, we can see the diversion as a detour (from the main road, destination or goal) and appreciate the journey, turning the negative of self-criticism to the positive of self-critique.

Depression, addiction or other disorders leave us caught in a dead end or cul-de-sac. If we can’t get back on the main road, we need to call for help, analogous to a road service call for a breakdown.

Conclusion: Locating ourselves on the (road) map of time can increase self-awareness and reduce stress.

Dear Reader: Please send your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com