Why We Can’t All Be Friends

Many of us would be pleased if everyone liked us and we liked everyone. But this preference doesn’t pan out in real life. Pursuing this goal often stems from a less-than-ideal early environment that failed to nurture and support a real and independent sense of self.

As a result, this person wants to be liked/loved by everyone to assure himself that he is okay. This tactic doesn't work. Instead, burdened by this impossible task, he suffers, perhaps even to the extreme of becoming depressed.

In reality, we have likes and dislikes, and a diversity of opinions. Sometimes a dislike is immediate. Sometimes it develops with time and familiarity. It can be as intense as a food allergy or as uproarious as dogs sparring in the street when they get a whiff of each other.

Understanding another person is difficult too, and as the poet Elizabeth Bishop said, “We can not love what we don’t understand.” To understand another person is a lofty, often unattainable goal.

Given the limitation of time and our complexity, we can’t aspire to understand more than the tip of the iceberg of ourselves, another person or our world. What then are we to do? Getting along with others requires balancing two, often conflicting, aspects of human nature.

David Brooks (the New York Times, March 14)  summarizes  the state of our  knowledge of neurobiology, psychology and cognitive science that reveals two systems of our human nature.  Deep in the core of our being there are the unconscious natural processes built in by evolution. These embedded unconscious processes propel us to procreate or strut or think in certain ways, often impulsively. Then, at the top, we have our conscious, rational processes. This top layer does its best to exercise some restraint and executive function.

The top layer is a relatively recent layer of rationality. But a concept easily bypasses the new, more fragile, rational part of the brain, to penetrate and excite our emotions. The rational is delicate, fragile, like a soluble substance. By contrast, the emotional is like a durable substance, stubborn like oil that easily rises to the surface.

Because the emotional or irrational aspects of our nature often predominate, we have to work hard to get along with others.

Conclusion:   In essence, similar to many other animals on the planet, we are programmed to like and dislike, to love and hate. To tolerate and understand our differences embodies a great evolutionary achievement and a worthy goal.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com