Siblings: A Complex Conundrum

The sibling relationship runs the gamut of possibilities:

By dint of their common background, brothers and sisters have the potential to help or hurt each other throughout their lives. The relationship has great potential to teach and reward, similar to an abandoned gold mine that  explored with a new perspective, yields riches.

Each sib may have a different relationship with their parents or caretakers because:

1. Parents and family circumstances change over time.

2. Parents respond differently to each child.

Parents who show favoritism don’t foster positive sibling relationships. In  contrast, hardships within the family or environment can facilitate bonding and teamwork. (There are many literary examples, among which is the classic children’s favorite, The Boxcar Children by G.C. Warren in which the siblings run away and live in an abandoned railroad car and manage very well without an adult.

Although we don’t choose our sibs, as we do our friends and lovers, they can be considered among the most intimate connection because:

1 We share some genes.

 2. We spend some early developmental years together.

 3. Ideally, we maintain lifelong contact. Since sibs are “family,” we’re less likely to divorce them.

Maintaining contact can be a struggle at times, and in tragic situations, a sibling relationship is poisonous (for one or the other) and the relationship is lopped off like a gangrenous limb. The best resolution, however, is forgiveness even when it’s incredibly difficult, as when an untrustworthy sibling runs off with (more than his share of) the inheritance.

Ideally sibs are motivated to examine and process their effect on each other, to work out their difficulties and apply the understanding they’ve gained to other relationships.

 (If not, the riches of the gold mine remain buried.)

My sister and I agree that both our parents were overly critical. Raised in a different epoch, they may have believed that criticism builds character, and thought:  if a child feels too good about himself, he’ll become conceited.

But at times, their approach lacked empathy, as they failed to put themselves in their children’s shoes. The fallout has resulted in  “less than ideal” self  esteem. We’ve struggled on a rocky trail to the mountain summit to feel OK, the goal

of the best selling book from 1969,  I’m OK-You’re OK. (Author Thomas Harris based his writing on Eric Berne’s approach of Transactional Analysis, the psychological theory that studies the three different ego states in which a person engages, and may conflict  in transactions with another person’s ego states.  This approach is remarkably relevant to this day.)

As a result my sister and I are (overly) sensitive to criticism, and prone to over-reacting. This sensitivity has motivated me to work for years to re-frame and couch criticism in constructive terms. However, at moments, I revert with a sudden (involuntary?) snipe that sets us back to the stone age of our relationship.  

(Friends, colleagues, clients, please don’t worry. This phenomenon is limited to family relationships.)

Conclusion: Siblings may experience cycles of closeness, conflict, and distance over the years. Holding firm when the road is rough can reap huge rewards.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com