Mystery and the Psyche

“It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage & beautiful country lies in between.”

This beautiful quote by poet Diane Ackerman inspired me to think about mystery.

Then I opened Erica Jong’s new book, Fear of Dying (St. Martin’s Press, New York 2015) to find another quote about mystery  (attributed to Mishkan T’filah: A Reform Siddur, a prayer book for Reform Jewishcongregations):

 “Days pass and the years vanish, and we walk sightless among miracles. Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing; Let there be moments when Your Presence, like lightning, illumines the darkness in which we walk. Help us to see, wherever we gaze, that the bush burns unconsumed. And we, clay touched by God, will reach out for holiness, and exclaim in wonder, “How filled with awe is this place and we did not know it!”

A person doesn’t have to be a poet, musician or theologian to experience this high point of our existence. For example, many people reach the state of awe upon the birth of a child.

We can’t always reach the feeling. For me, a cup of strong coffee in the morning is necessary before I appreciate the magnificent sunrise or the marvelous construction of my Schipperke dog. In other words, chemistry can play a big part in our ability to experience mystery.

Then another—our psychology—can be a factor.  When we’re “self-centered” we see ourselves as the center of the world and we’re perhaps less likely to appreciate the world that lies outside ourselves.

But a mysterious experience can help us break out of our self -involvement.

For example, my life changed one morning during a run in Central Park with my dog. We noticed a crowd gathered in a semi-circle at the base of a tree. Everyone was fixated on a squirrel who sat quivering, as a pointer dog, intense and poised, focused his entire energy on the tiny, gray creature. I joined the crowd to watch and felt a sense of calmness overcome me. My sense of haste dissolved as if time had stopped, as if all of life was contained here, in this moment. Suddenly, the pointer leaped toward the tree and the squirrel dashed up the trunk. The moment broke; the crowd collectively sighed (with relief) and then dispersed.

In the next few minutes I had an insight—realizing that the world didn’t revolve around me; in fact, I was indeed a small part of the world that immersed me.

Conclusion: A sense of mystery can free us from a kind of self-centeredness to help us reach beyond the limits of self.

Dear Reader: I hope you will share your thoughts and experiences. jsimon145@gmail.com

Management and Our Emotional Lives

Living in the same neighborhood, the upper west side of Manhattan, for several decades, I’ve witnessed many restaurants and businesses come and go. Many endeavors begin with energy, verve and excitement. Then some businesses seem to lose their initial burst of enthusiasm. This observation motivated me to ask what factors/qualities distinguish success from failure; the term “management” emerged from the morass. 

A modicum of research turned up the name John Spence and his 6 simple principles of good management.  Although he applies the principles to businesses, they can be modified to serve individuals.  These include mission, vision, values, communication, focus, and disciplined execution or action.

Then I asked myself how good management relates to psychology and realized that our ability (or inability) to manage emotions and feelings determines our successes and failures.

Emotions and feelings are like the foundation of a house upon which the entire edifice/structure depends and requires maintenance. Failure to manage our feelings and emotions –anger, fear, sadness, disgust and joy—endangers the structure of our lives.

Emotions constitute our personality structure. If we neglect them, they can affect our health. On the other hand, feelings embody reactions to external events and frequently need modulation before they are expressed. Please refer to my blog of August 24, 2015 for further detail on emotions and feelings).

The news is filled/rampant with stories of politicians and public figures who wreck their careers by engaging in illegal activities-like sex scandals and illicit money schemes. Presumably these people fail to synchronize their (private) feelings with their (public) goals, and embody examples of emotional mismanagement.

When we indulge in self-hate we create obstacles to good enough management. For example, Ms. V. grappled with poor self-esteem that blocked access to managing her considerable artistic gifts. She lacked a clear mission and vision and failed to act even when she received positive feedback.

In brief, when issues of self esteem interfere, the individual needs to become aware of feelings of self- hate (and perhaps their origins) to muster courage and take risks.

Conclusion: Each of us juggles the complex tasks of living. But if we fail to manage our emotions and feelings, they can derail any endeavor.

Dear Reader, Your input is welcome. jsimon145@gmail.com

Curiosity: An Appetite of the Mind and a Gift to Cherish

Curiosity is one of the greatest gifts we humans possess. Bonus:  It’s free.

This underappreciated appetite for knowledge is what keeps us invested in the world around us and, in my opinion, makes us interesting to other people.

The word curiosity is derived from the Latin curiosus or “careful,”  a quality related to inquisitive thinking found in exploration and investigation, The curious genes pervade human and animal species as diverse as rodents, apes, cats, dogs (note above the picture of my dog gazing out a country window).

Furthermore, curiosity is associated with all aspects and ages of human development, an energy that propels us to learn and acquire the knowledge and skills to manage our environment. Ideally this knowledge helps to ease our uncertainty and anxiety.

Curiosity is not an attribute to outgrow, but rather a quality to nurture, even as we grow older, a fact that adds to the greatness of this natural gift. In contrast to other qualities (like anger) that we do well to bridle like wild horses, curiosity is an asset most often safe to set free.

Curiosity can free us from the prison of the ego, the trap of the judge who questions,  “Am I good enough?” “Dare I risk failure in attempting that challenge?” Instead curiosity can propel us like a bird soaring over the trees to answer, “I’m interested and I’ll pursue the matter.”

Antonie van Leeuwenhoek,  a Dutchman lacked a formal  education; yet his curiosity led him to great discoveries. Under his hand-ground lens, the Dutchman studied the plaque between his teeth and observed tiny moving creatures he called “animalcules.” He described their movements in simple, poetic terms and sent his observations in letters to the Royal Academy. Although at first the members in the organization doubted his sanity; ultimately, they were convinced of his discoveries which revolutionized the field of science. With no formal scientific education he became the man who today is considered the father of microbiology.

Each of us has our own unique brand of curiosity. At a young age I was tuned into my parents’ attitudes and behaviors, while my brother Bob has focused on objects like cars and history. (Pictured above, he examines an old bell on the grounds of the Historical Museum in Rockland County)

Although scientists haven’t identified the specific area in the brain where curiosity resides, the impulse seems genetic, but obviously also impacted by our environment.

Curiosity enhances our ability to learn and remember and has been found to involve a region of the brain connected to feelings, called the hippocampus, which helps build lasting memories.

The act of wanting and desiring new information involves reward pathways of the brain like the meso-limbic pathways and the nucleus accumbens as well as the neurotransmitters dopamine, serotonin, and opioid chemicals. In essence, a high state of curiosity stimulates interactions between neural pathways involved in motivation and memory.

Do you have it or not? In other words, is it a given? Or can we encourage it to flourish with nurturing like a delicate plant? Our educational system would benefit us by focusing on the question of how to increase a child’s curiosity and creativity.

Certainly, curiosity can be discouraged by criticism, condemnation, demand for conformity, and demanding rote memory versus problem solving.

Here are a few thoughts on fostering this vital quality:

• Encourage the ambiguity. For example, a child can be happy to be invited to a birthday party even though she is sad not to be receiving presents. 
• Encourage problem solving
• Point out the advantages of differences.
• Noting differences stimulates curiosity. We’re motivated to ask: what makes the differences and why do they exist?
• Support and encourage rather than criticize, and transform judgment into encouragement.
• Reward the ability to delay gratification.
• The ability to delay gratification allows us to pursue a matter in the face of a less-than-desired result or a disappointing response from others
• Point out positives and turn negatives into positives.
• Raise questions in neutral tones.
• Recognize the distinction between the judge who condemns and the critic who assesses.
• Encourage process thinking (problem solving) rather than rote memorization.
• Promote flexible, outside the box thinking rather than a rigid “It has to be this way” outlook.
• Celebrate the uniqueness of each mind.
• Consider a problem from many angles.
• Recast doubt as a positive attribute.
• Acknowledge that mistakes serve to teach us.
• Accept that no question is too silly to ask.
• Confront poking fun and bullying behaviors.
• Ask: What did I learn today?

Conclusion: Curiosity is an appetite of the mind that pervades the animal kingdom, a quality to encourage and nurture because it enhances our human condition and benefits future generations.

Dear Reader: Please contribute your thoughts and experiences to this vital topic. jsimon145@gmail.com

Apologies and Their Complexities

Man to Woman: “I am sorry that I’ve embarrassed you by wearing my penguin suit.” He thinks but doesn’t (necessarily) say, “But I’m not sorry I’ve worn it.” 

Although the words “I’m sorry” possess a mellifluous sound, they usually don’t roll off the tongue with ease or authenticity.

Instead these syllables can be as unpalatable as pebbles—

hard to swallow. 

Most of us would probably agree that apologies happen too rarely. We miss opportunities to say “I’m sorry” and often have to devote time and energy to compensate. 

The art of apology is not easy to master— something like the art of loosing gracefully. Perhaps there is a deeper connection between the two: Not uncommonly, we associate apologizing with loosing.

One way to dissect the subject is to separate an action from its (perhaps unintended) impact, as depicted in the cartoon above. Although the example is a tad silly, it makes a valid point. The man isn’t sorry that he wore his penguin suit (the action) , but he is genuinely sorry that his partner experiences embarrassment (the impact) at being seen with him in this attire.

An example from everyday life is Ms .H who didn’t recognize her mistake and the fallout in failing to communicate how much she spent at the department store.  However, she was genuinely sorry about the unfortunate repercussions—bouncing a check. Appropriately, she apologized to her husband for the inconvenience and the expense that resulted.

Politicians seem to have an especially difficult time because apologizing means taking responsibility for a mistake. As Hubert H. Humphrey humorously, said, “To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.“

Perhaps too few realize that failing to apologize can give someone the appearance of haughtiness, entitlement and indifference to others.

Paradoxically, displaying humility and acknowledging fallibility can increase popularity and trust.

Some obstacles that interfere with apologizing:

1. We think we have to project strength and invincibility in order to attain a political position or climb the ladder of success.

2. We fear that if we apologize someone will take advantage of us.

3. We depend on our confidence and we associate an apology with an impairment of our ability.

4. We fear that apologizing jeopardizes our appearance/image of our capability.

To acknowledge imperfections, some of us have to confront our idealized image, a narcissistic view of the self that dictates we must be perfect. In this case, a mistake and the need to apologize, can be experienced as like a blemish that needs to be hidden.

Rabbi Elka Abrahamson interprets the great medieval philosopher Maimonides’ steps on apologies:

The apologizer must:

•  Own his behavior/ take responsibility
•   Impact (to acknowledge)
•   Express remorse
•  Repair (the damage
•  Refrain from repeating

(The above components can be remembered with the mnemonic: Oh, I ERR.)

Conclusion: To err is human but to admit our humanness and apologize requires courage and strength of character.

Dear Reader, Your thoughts are welcome. jsimon145@gmail.com

Psychotherapy in (and of) Everyday Life (with and from those we love, hate or feel indifferent)

We don’t often stop to realize that our daily interactions with other people— to whom we might feel love, hate or indifference— can  help us become better people. It’s free psychotherapy— if we take advantage of it!

You can learn more about yourself (and others( without extra effort beyond reflecting or meditating on conversations  and exchanges you have with others throughout the day.

Many years ago my brother confronted me at a family dinner. He had overheard my conversation with my sister-in-law and observed, ”You have a knack for finding a person’s Achilles’ Heel.” Without delving into specifics, I admit that I wasn’t aware of this nasty habit. And I realized that in this instant, he had functioned as my psychotherapist!

By contrast, Ms. Y. blocked out information provided by those around her.  When a friend tried to advise her, Ms. Y. refused to listen. Instead she became angry at her friend. A year later, Ms. Y was devastated to learn that her friend had tried to warn her of her boyfriend’s infidelity.

You ask, how, where and when can we benefit/take advantage of such free lessons? We simply need to open our minds—to allow ourselves to review or question, to replay conversations in our minds. Most often, no pen or paper or computer is needed. We can reflect as we simultaneously move through the day, as we walk, ride, eat, or even sleep and dream.

  (The task can be more immediate than exercise, which requires pushing our reluctant/recalcitrant bodies to the gym and changing our clothes.)

Communication is like a two-way highway; that is, our words and actions impact others and ours have affect them. But because time is short, and a lot happens in a day, we don’t often take the time to think about this bidirectional process.

We’re more aware of this exchange if we allow our minds to be open to new information.  I refer to this advantage as the cultivation of a semipermeable mind. Instead of blocking out unpleasant data, we try to consider its validity and possible helpfulness. Deepak Chopra conveys this idea in his words, “You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible.”

A recent film Grandma exemplifies the premise that life can indeed smooth rough edges.  The great actress Lily Tomlin stars as Elle, a lesbian grandmother, poet, and impoverished retired college professor, The plot involves granddaughter Sage who seeks her grandmother’s help to procure the money for an abortion. In the journey, we meet Elle’s ex-lover Karl and learn that Elle has treated him abominably. Many years after the fact, he asks for the overdue apology.  Elle finally seems to grasp the reality of her propensity to wound people and apologizes to Karl as well as to a young paramour, Olivia, whom she recently hurt.

Conclusion: We benefit from keeping an open mind about our impact on others, reflecting on our daily conversations to improve our understanding of ourselves and others.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com

Sadness: The Heroic Emotion (inspired by the movie Inside Out)

Although often used interchangeably, an emotion  differs from a feeling. The movie Inside Out inspired me to explore that distinction as well as the heroic emotion, sadness.

Pixar’s Inside Out, is an imaginary foray into the workings of the brain. Inspired by his pre-teen daughter, writer and director Pete Docter made the animated film to help us understand our emotional lives. He consulted with psychologist, Paul Ekman and University of Berkeley Professor Dacher Keltner, whose studies reveal that there are six core emotions: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, joy and surprise. Docter, however, found  surprise and fear far too similar so he omitted the latter.

The protagonist in the film is 11-year-old Riley, who has been blessed with attentive, loving parents and a smooth existence until her family decides to move from Minnesota to San Francisco. Leaving the familiarity of her home, school, and friends throws her emotions into turmoil.

Each of the previously mentioned emotions are depicted as brightly colored characters:  Joy, a cheerful, petite yellow lady; Sadness, a morose blue blob; Anger, a short, red rectangular figure with a masculine voice; Fear, a thin, tallish purple figure; and Disgust, a green slithery female character. All of the emotions live in Headquarters—Rileys’ mind— and work together to control her thoughts, memories and behavior.

As the movie progresses, Joy and Sadness get sucked into a tube (lost in the recesses of the mind) and lose touch with the other emotions. A triangle of emotions (Anger, Fear and Disgust) remains at the helm, but is inadequate to keep Riley functioning smoothly. In the absence of Joy and Sadness, Anger takes over, motivating Riley to steal her mother’s credit card and board a bus back to Minnesota.

The tortuous journey is interspersed with moments of exhilation as Joy and Sadness attempt to take charge again. Joy constantly undermines Sadness, as if Sadness is a negative, damaging emotion. Finally, Joy realizes the importance of Sadness, the natural emotion in the face of loss and the one that helps Riley appreciate loving bonds and return to her family.

The journey is exhausting, interspersed with moments of exhilaration. This viewer is left with the impression that our emotions maintain a tenuous balance, easily disrupted by external events.  Sadness is the heroic emotion in Riley’s  as well as everyone’s life.

Now back to emotions versus feelings. The distinction is important.

Through early life experiences, emotions are laid down like railroad tracks; they form our personality structure. Emotions are internal and specific to who we are and need to be acknowledged. If they are not taken into account, they can make us sick, causing a range of symptoms from migraine headaches to psychogenic seizures.  By contrast, feelings are reactions to external events and may need to be filtered before they are expressed in daily life.

A patient in my practice, Ms. M. repressed her emotional response toward her roommate, an ex-lover who demeaned her constantly. Over the years, the relationship became increasingly toxic, causing her to have migraine headaches and suicidal thoughts. She began therapy and connected the stimulus (the toxic relationship) with her response (suicidal thoughts). She had repressed her emotional need for a loving relationship, turning her anger against herself. Acknowledging her sadness allowed her to move on to a more gratifying and intimate relationship.

By contrast, Mr. Q. exemplifies the need to restrain feelings. A highly intelligent person, he had to learn to curtail his frustration and anger at work when others failed to meet his expectations to perform at his level.

Conclusion: Acknowledging sadness as a key emotion allows us to process life changes. Distinguishing between emotions and feelings is a guide to maintaining the balance of social adjustment and physical and mental health.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. jsimon145@gmail.com

Regrets & What to Do with Them (or No Room for Regret)

Regret for what we have or have not done can be tormenting.

Everyone has regrets of one kind or another resulting from what we perceive as having made the wrong decision when confronted with a choice.

Sometimes we enter into a decision consciously, taking full responsibility for our actions; at other times, we do so with avoidance, denial, and in extreme cases, obliviousness.

Mr. Y., for example, became disabled with crippling arthritis and emphysema. As he looked back at his past, he realized that he had ignored his bodily symptoms that resulted from years of alcohol use and smoking. Vaguely cognizant of his choices, he continued to indulge in these habits until he ruined his health.

Rather than perpetuate regret, we may examine ways to stave off further regrets.  In the course of psychotherapy, Ms. U. decided that she didn’t want to stay married.

“I only hope I don’t regret my decision in the future,” she said.

By examining the situation from many angles, she stands a better chance of understanding the implications of her choice.

Some people manage to avoid regret by recognizing their failure to follow their “bliss”— innermost desires and goals. When Ms. O. reached the age of 50, she realized that if she didn’t modify her life soon, she wouldn’t be able to fulfill her dream to become a journalist.

Changes in health can also be a catalyst for change and heading off regret. When the writer  Katherine Russell Rich was diagnosed with cancer, she left her magazine job to devote full-time to writing her own books. (for further details, please also refer to my blog of April 13, 2012, How Now Courage).

Approaching regret from a cognitive point of view, reframing our thoughts from the past to the future, and asking, “What’s next?” can also help to process regrets.

Those who dwell in regret may suffer from imagining that they would have been better if only they had zigged instead of zagged.  Mr. A., a poet nearing the end of his life, regretted that he sacrificed his personal life to devote fulltime to his art. He was relieved when he realized that no one knows whether an alternative would have been more gratifying to him. There are simply no controls in the experiment of life.

Distinguishing between productive and nonproductive regrets can also be useful.

Regretting what we didn’t do in the past serves little purpose. “Water under the bridge,” the cliché opines. But to regret harming another person in the past may help us modify future behavior. Take for example, a parent who immediately responds to diverse situations with anger. By reflecting, he recognizes the need to replace his typical reaction with an attempt to understand his child's actions. 

Conclusion: Everyone has regrets. As Edith Piaf expressed in the popular song, Je Ne Regrette Rien (I Don’t Regret Anything), rather than tormenting ourselves, the goal is to learn from our regrets and relinquish them before they impact negatively on the present.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com