Friendship and Our Vagus Nerve

We don’t often think that the nature of our friendships has a profound  or major impact on our health and well-being. But a recent New York Times, article by journalist Kate Murphy cites recent research to support that loneliness is detrimental to our health. As we know, the antidote to loneliness lies in the bonds of friendship.

Research links friendship with the tenth cranial nerve, the longest one, known as the ‘vagus’ (“wandering” in Latin) for its meandering course through the body—from the brain, through the chest and abdomen. This nerve is largely responsible for our behavior to fight or take flight or freeze in response to stress, which in turn, affects the rate of respirations and heart beats per minute and the amount of gastric juice secreted by the stomach.

  

Research shows that the tone of the vagus nerve has been connected to longevity. If we don’t relax, the tenth nerve loses its tone. Authentic friendship keeps the wanderer in shape, while loneliness has been equated with effects as detrimental to our health as obesity or an addiction to alcohol or cigarettes. Therefore, working on obstacles to friendship may be as important as exercising in the gym.

In this day of Facebook a person puts forth a public image. Real friends accept us beneath the image, for our genuine self. But friendship isn’t always easy, especially if we’re not good enough friends to ourselves. If we’ve grown up in an abusive environment of any kind, physical or psychological, we may find people who, in some way, replicate this maltreatment. We have to learn to view and accept ourselves as well as our friends for foibles and vulnerabilities.

Friendship is a two-way street.  A solid relationship creates a safe space for both people. Friends are open to learning about each other, but also open to learning about themselves. They’re able to accept criticism offered in a constructive and caring way and be open to changing their behaviors.

We may assume that friendship flows like water, but like boulders in a natural spring, friendship can hit tough spots. These require effort to navigate. Sometimes a therapist’s tools come in handy.

 

A favorite therapeutic tool is the “holding environment.” In this situation, a therapist  listens with acceptance, sympathy and empathy. Other times confrontation (in a caring way) is indicated to communicate that a person’s words or actions impact negatively on another.  For example, many years ago my brother Bob pulled me aside at a family gathering and said, “Do you realize you always go for a person’s Achilles heel?” Because I knew he cared, I was able to hear his criticism and to change my behavior.

Conclusion: Friendship is linked to the vagus nerve, which innervates many organs, and is vital to our health and sense of well-being.

Dear Reader, I look forward to hearing your response.

  jsimon145@gmail.com

The Gift of Grit (with Gratitude to Angela Duckworth)

When she was a school teacher, Angela Duckworth observed that some of her students performed better than would have been expected based on the results of their IQ test. She noted that they were motivated, passionate and persevered to achieve a goal in spite of difficulties,

Spurred on by her observations, she became a psychologist and devoted her studies to the subject of grit—a term that refers to an individual’s effort, passion and perseverance in achieving a long term goal.

(Duckworth credits her predecessors, including William James, Erik Erikson, and Aristotle, who recognized the value of tenacity.)

Duckworth presented a TED talk, received a MacArthur fellowship in 2013, and her book , GRIT: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, was published this year.  This New York Times best seller details her studies that extend from West Point Cadets to salespeople to students to show that grit supersedes IQ and the Big Five personality traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism) in explaining who accomplishes their goals and derives satisfaction from their lives.

She concludes that aptitude tests can get a lot wrong and intelligence leaves a lot unexplained. Some smart people aren’t high achievers, and some achieve a lot without having the highest test scores.

Unlike the relatively stable measure of IQ, grit isn’t a fixed trait but, when nurtured like tomatoes in a well-tended garden, can flourish.

In other words, we can benefit (enhance human potential) by shifting the  (educational) focus from IQ and talent to grit.

Duckworth suggests several ways to increase grit, first from the inside. Following your passion, practicing it, discovering purpose and maintaining hope all enhance grit. Ways to increase grit from the outside include:

1.     Wise parenting—demanding performance within a supportive environment

2.     Finding the playing fields of grit—activities that require discipline and offer support—such as ballet or marathon running.

3.     Finding a gritty culture—a group of people that support grit.  As an example, Duckworth quotes the psychologist, Dan Chambliss, who studied professional swimmers. “The real way to become a great swimmer is to join a great team.”

In my experience, good-enough parents and psychotherapists know how to increase grit in others. It can be summed up simply in one sentence (rephrased from my blog of June 13, 2016). Simple in its dictim and highly intricate in its execution, the goal is to nurture with an open and curious mind and to avoid negative criticism, while homing in and encouraging the individual’s interests and attributes.

We psychotherapists work to uncover the obstacles that interfere with a person’s grit. For example, Ms. O. was raised in a well-meaning family that didn’t understand a child’s needs. She had passion for writing, but her parents demanded she earn a living. Tragically, the emotional pain of  criticism and rejection caused her to turn to drug abuse. In a supportive psychotherapeutic relationship,  she accessed her grit, learned how to stand up to her parents, stop drug use, pursue her writing career, and join a gritty writing group.

In summary, the passion and persistence of grit motivates and carries us over rough seas like a well-made surfboard. We can think of an absence of effort like a crack in our surfboard that needs repair.

Conclusion: Grit predicts performance better than IQ and talent.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com