What We Can Learn from Luck

Luck is defined as success or failure brought by chance rather than through one’s own actions.  Since good fortune lies beyond our control, and we psychotherapists focus on taking charge  of what we can control, we don’t often address the matter.

However, in writing this blog. I’ve discovered that the subject of luck surpasses itself to teach us about life.

In an opening sentence of his probing memoir, Do No Harm Stories of Life, Death,and Brain Surgery, Dr. Henry Marsh writes, ” As I become more experienced it seems that luck becomes more important.”

His confession is poignant; this skilled surgeon appreciates that the element of luck transcends his expertise and experience.

Obviously then, luck is a factor with which we must contend. How then to frame it?

From the incident in Nice, France when scores of people were mowed down by a terrorist’s truck on July 14, 2016, we realize that luck can change in a split second. We do well to appreciate the moment and be grateful for every day.

Nor does bad luck have to demoralize us. A person who  suffered terrible luck, Sam Berns inherited the genes for progeria, a rare disease of pre-mature aging and early death. In spite of his misfortune, he possessed a positive attitude. In his short 17 years of life, he helped raise awareness of the disease, and delivered a TED talk titled “My Philosophy for a Happy Life.”

Without conscious awareness many of us participate daily in this effort to distinguish between what we can and cannot control. When Mr. L. was let go from his job, he had to sort out factors related to his performance from the financial changes in his company.

We are relatively lucky or unlucky regarding the era into which we’re born in regard to scientific knowledge and societal attitudes. Until recently, the genetic component to addictions wasn’t recognized. Alcoholism and drug dependence, once regarded as character flaws, are now viewed in the context of genetics and treatment.

Appreciating his luck taught Mr. M. to look at people in the street with more compassion. He became less critical of their obesity and poor posture when he thought about his good fortune to inherit the genes for a muscular build and to have time and money to exercise at the gym.

Conclusion:  Considering the subject of luck can help us appreciate the moment and increase our compassion toward people who are less fortunate.

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome.

jsimon145@gmail.com

Reframing Forgiveness

The topic  of forgiveness received a great deal of attention when parishioners in Charleston, South Carolina forgave the assassin who slaughtered their pastor, friends and family in the Methodist Episcopal church on  June 17, 2015.

The churchgoers seemed to know intuitively what has been proved scientifically: forgiveness is good for our health.

Holding a grudge and vindictiveness causes health issues like high blood pressure and heart disease. Forgiveness increases our life span. (For details, please refer to these articles in the Huffington Post and Johns Hopkins.)

In forgiveness, we acknowledge our own fallibility, a trait we share with all people. It is the key that opens the door to the human condition. But, how do we arrive at forgiveness?

First let’s ask what forgiveness is and what it is not.

It is not condoning a person’s actions. For example, we certainly don’t condone murder or child abuse. (Yet we benefit by forgiving the murderer or abuser. )

It is not forgetting that a heinous act occurred.

It is not saying the mourning process is over. A person may suffer consequences of another’s actions and still be able to forgive.

Forgiveness is:

 Letting go of grudges.
 Releasing resentment.

 Turning away from vindictiveness.

Oscar Wilde wrote in The Picture of Dorian Gray,”

“Children begin by loving their parents, as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” Forgiving our parents may be one of the most important factors in our sense of well-being. When we don’t forgive our parents, we don’t forgive ourselves. We can’t extricate them from our lives, from our psyches.  The psychological term introjection refers to the messages we have incorporated from them that have become our own. Sorting out the introjected thoughts that help us from those that hinder our progress is one of the major tasks of psychotherapy.

Some parents try hard to be good-enough parents; others don’t.  When they don’t meet the grade, we have to mourn the loss of a good-enough parent. (We’re not alone; sadly many others share this tragedy.) 

In his heart-wrenching memoir, Not My Father’s Son, the brilliant actor Alan Cumming speaks about the abuse he experienced in the hands of his rejecting father. Finally, he is able to write, “Thank you, Alex Cumming, for siring me and ensuring I will always have lots of source material. I forgive you.”

We can’t force someone to forgive. Therefore, the road to forgiveness may also involve understanding the person who has harmed us. This requires starting off on a journey that may entail a close examination of the person we need to forgive. The journey can be long and torturous. 

In Mona Simpson’s novel, The Lost Father, the protagonist, Mayan, spends years searching for the father who abandoned her. When she finds him, and knows who he is, she can forgive. She also asks for forgiveness from those people who have helped her during her search and whom she may have harmed in the process.

Conclusion: In forgiving another, we ultimately forgive ourselves. Holding a grudge hurts us and shortens our life span. Letting go of resentment is like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com