When I first began to
write this blog, I Googled the topic of loneliness. To my surprise, I found
nearly 400 titles on the subject. Apparently,
most literary classics deal with this theme in one form or another.
The American writer
and film maker Orson Welles once said, “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die
alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the
moment that we’re not alone.” But aloneness, a physical state, is distinct from
the psychological state of loneliness.
A person can be alone
without being lonely, which implies feelings of loss or alienation. And vice
versa: a person may be with others, and paradoxically, experience deep feelings
of loneliness if involved in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand
or accept her essential nature, including, at times, feelings of loneliness.
Many of us experience
loneliness during periods of transition, like a relocation, separation, or
divorce. For example, in the movie
Brooklyn, currently in the theatres and based on the novel by
the renowned writer Irish writer Colm Toibin, a young Irish emigre experiences
homesickness, a form of loneliness, until she falls in love.
Persistent loneliness
relates to a person’s past relationships and present expectations. For example,
Ms. R. was raised by immigrant parents who relied on their children for
companionship. As a result, she may have felt burdened by intimacy. She didn’t
find a man with whom she wanted to settle down and raise a family, However, she
was content with holiday
get-togethers with her nieces and nephews and didn’t suffer regrets or
feelings of loneliness.
By contrast, Mr. K.
was brought up in a family of three children. As the middle child, he perceived
his older and younger siblings as his parents’ favorites. As a result, he felt
lonely at an early age. He assumed he’d find a mate, but none of his
relationships led to marriage and family, and he experienced deep feelings of
loneliness and isolation.
We may be surprised by
some uncommon relationships that obviate loneliness. In her 1973 book, Journal of a Solitude,
the American writer May Sarton wrote,
“Yet I taste life
fully only when I am alone here, and the house and I resume old
conversation.” The writer’s house
whom she names “Nelson,” becomes her significant other, her bridegroom, an
alternative to a real person.
The great British
writer Virginia Woolf purposely exposed herself to loneliness in order to
create. She loved the quiet of her lodge at
Monk's House. She wrote in her diary: "Often down here I have entered into
a sanctuary; a nunnery; had a religious retreat; of great agony once; and
always some terror; so afraid one is of loneliness.... of seeing to the bottom
of the vessel....”
Some people, however,
don’t relish the prospect of aloneness. The great American composer-conductor
Leonard Bernstein (1918-1990) suffered in solitude, a necessary state of
aloneness for the creative process to bloom. He asked himself again and again whether he should
devote his energies to composing or to conducting.
In a
1939 letter he wrote to a college roommate: "You
may remember my chief weakness — my love for people. I need them all the time —
every moment. It's something that perhaps you cannot understand: but I cannot
spend one day alone without becoming utterly depressed."
To
compose Bernstein had to endure a loneliness that he found nearly unbearable.
“Loneliness expresses the pain of being
alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone,” Paul Tillich (1886-1965), the German
American theologian-writer, sums up the difference in a few wise words.
Conclusion: Loneliness is a
ubiquitous human emotion that most of us experience during brief periods of
transition. However, when unresolved, it can interfere with our lives.
Dear Reader, Please
feel free to share your experiences. jsimon145@gmail.com
