Apologies and Their Complexities

Man to Woman: “I am sorry that I’ve embarrassed you by wearing my penguin suit.” He thinks but doesn’t (necessarily) say, “But I’m not sorry I’ve worn it.” 

Although the words “I’m sorry” possess a mellifluous sound, they usually don’t roll off the tongue with ease or authenticity.

Instead these syllables can be as unpalatable as pebbles—

hard to swallow. 

Most of us would probably agree that apologies happen too rarely. We miss opportunities to say “I’m sorry” and often have to devote time and energy to compensate. 

The art of apology is not easy to master— something like the art of loosing gracefully. Perhaps there is a deeper connection between the two: Not uncommonly, we associate apologizing with loosing.

One way to dissect the subject is to separate an action from its (perhaps unintended) impact, as depicted in the cartoon above. Although the example is a tad silly, it makes a valid point. The man isn’t sorry that he wore his penguin suit (the action) , but he is genuinely sorry that his partner experiences embarrassment (the impact) at being seen with him in this attire.

An example from everyday life is Ms .H who didn’t recognize her mistake and the fallout in failing to communicate how much she spent at the department store.  However, she was genuinely sorry about the unfortunate repercussions—bouncing a check. Appropriately, she apologized to her husband for the inconvenience and the expense that resulted.

Politicians seem to have an especially difficult time because apologizing means taking responsibility for a mistake. As Hubert H. Humphrey humorously, said, “To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.“

Perhaps too few realize that failing to apologize can give someone the appearance of haughtiness, entitlement and indifference to others.

Paradoxically, displaying humility and acknowledging fallibility can increase popularity and trust.

Some obstacles that interfere with apologizing:

1. We think we have to project strength and invincibility in order to attain a political position or climb the ladder of success.

2. We fear that if we apologize someone will take advantage of us.

3. We depend on our confidence and we associate an apology with an impairment of our ability.

4. We fear that apologizing jeopardizes our appearance/image of our capability.

To acknowledge imperfections, some of us have to confront our idealized image, a narcissistic view of the self that dictates we must be perfect. In this case, a mistake and the need to apologize, can be experienced as like a blemish that needs to be hidden.

Rabbi Elka Abrahamson interprets the great medieval philosopher Maimonides’ steps on apologies:

The apologizer must:

•  Own his behavior/ take responsibility
•   Impact (to acknowledge)
•   Express remorse
•  Repair (the damage
•  Refrain from repeating

(The above components can be remembered with the mnemonic: Oh, I ERR.)

Conclusion: To err is human but to admit our humanness and apologize requires courage and strength of character.

Dear Reader, Your thoughts are welcome. jsimon145@gmail.com

Psychotherapy in (and of) Everyday Life (with and from those we love, hate or feel indifferent)

We don’t often stop to realize that our daily interactions with other people— to whom we might feel love, hate or indifference— can  help us become better people. It’s free psychotherapy— if we take advantage of it!

You can learn more about yourself (and others( without extra effort beyond reflecting or meditating on conversations  and exchanges you have with others throughout the day.

Many years ago my brother confronted me at a family dinner. He had overheard my conversation with my sister-in-law and observed, ”You have a knack for finding a person’s Achilles’ Heel.” Without delving into specifics, I admit that I wasn’t aware of this nasty habit. And I realized that in this instant, he had functioned as my psychotherapist!

By contrast, Ms. Y. blocked out information provided by those around her.  When a friend tried to advise her, Ms. Y. refused to listen. Instead she became angry at her friend. A year later, Ms. Y was devastated to learn that her friend had tried to warn her of her boyfriend’s infidelity.

You ask, how, where and when can we benefit/take advantage of such free lessons? We simply need to open our minds—to allow ourselves to review or question, to replay conversations in our minds. Most often, no pen or paper or computer is needed. We can reflect as we simultaneously move through the day, as we walk, ride, eat, or even sleep and dream.

  (The task can be more immediate than exercise, which requires pushing our reluctant/recalcitrant bodies to the gym and changing our clothes.)

Communication is like a two-way highway; that is, our words and actions impact others and ours have affect them. But because time is short, and a lot happens in a day, we don’t often take the time to think about this bidirectional process.

We’re more aware of this exchange if we allow our minds to be open to new information.  I refer to this advantage as the cultivation of a semipermeable mind. Instead of blocking out unpleasant data, we try to consider its validity and possible helpfulness. Deepak Chopra conveys this idea in his words, “You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible.”

A recent film Grandma exemplifies the premise that life can indeed smooth rough edges.  The great actress Lily Tomlin stars as Elle, a lesbian grandmother, poet, and impoverished retired college professor, The plot involves granddaughter Sage who seeks her grandmother’s help to procure the money for an abortion. In the journey, we meet Elle’s ex-lover Karl and learn that Elle has treated him abominably. Many years after the fact, he asks for the overdue apology.  Elle finally seems to grasp the reality of her propensity to wound people and apologizes to Karl as well as to a young paramour, Olivia, whom she recently hurt.

Conclusion: We benefit from keeping an open mind about our impact on others, reflecting on our daily conversations to improve our understanding of ourselves and others.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com