Viewing Ourselves in and out of Context

When we compare ourselves with another person we usually do so  either:

1. to inspire ourselves to achieve or 2. to put ourselves down.

To compare in a negative light is to like hauling ourselves out of our own journey and hurling ourselves onto a path strewn with obstacles— as if a steam shovel has shifted soil from underfoot and dumped it on the path in front of our feet.

For example, Mr. J. compares himself to his three brothers who  married and raised families. He assumed his life would go in a similar direction. When he reached mid-life, he realized matters hadn’t worked out as he expected. In order to accept himself, he had to recognize that his position and role in the family differed from theirs and set him on an equally respectable, albeit distinctive path.

In his memoir, “On the Move” Oliver Sacks says, “Individuality is deeply imbued in us from the very start, at the neuronal level....We are destined, whether we wish it or not, to a life of particularity and self-development, to make our own individual paths through life.”

A common tendency of parents is to compare their children with others. Most helpful is to recognize the unique talents and liabilities of each child.

For example, Ms. T. noticed that her twenty-year-old daughter, Amy, avoided family get-togethers. Amy struggled with a learning disorder and was comparing herself to her high-achieving cousins. Instead of criticizing Amy for withdrawing, Ms. T. expressed pride in her daughter's progress as she worked to overcome her difficulties. Reassured, Amy began to participate in social events.

A middle-aged man, Mr. O. saw his life as a continuous downhill trajectory. As we spoke, we realized he was comparing himself with his younger, 30-year-old self. Naturally as we age our minds and bodies change. Seeing ourselves in the context of age is an essential step toward self-acceptance.

Ideally, we embrace our individuality with neither defeat nor conceit.  The challenge is to develop our unique gifts and confront our deficits and, whenever possible, transform a challenge into an asset. To return to Dr. Sack's experience: After World War II, he had trouble “with the three B’s: bombing, belonging and believing”—difficulties that he attributed to helping him empathize with patients who felt like misfits and outsiders.

 Conclusion: To view ourselves in the context of our background, history and the present, is an essential aspect of self–acceptance.

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Self Hate and the Body

My last blog addressed the topic of a self-hate attack—a sudden, intense mental episode of self-condemnation.  Alternatively (or in addition) self-hatred may be expressed through the body in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons. (For more detail, please refer to my blog of June 1).

Picking up on the theme of self hatred, the same kind of self-loathing can be expressed through bodily abuse. One of the most common manifestations of body-directed self-hatred is addiction, such as   drinking, smoking, and eating disorders, common methods that numb our negative feelings,  and in addition to causing harm to our bodies may also prevent us from tackling underlying problems. 

Dr. Allen Berger, author of 12 Stupid Things that Mess Up Recovery focuses on Dr. Karen Horney’s theory of the idealized image as the source of self-hatred underlying many addictions and the need to replace hate with compassion.

Ms. K. punished her body by overeating and under-exercising. As a child people compared her to her beautiful mother. Most likely unaware of their cruelty and the negative impact of their words, friends said to her, “Too bad you got your father’s big nose instead of your mother’s good looks.”  Recovering this past memory helped her understand and transcend the intense feelings of self contempt.

The body is our most valuable possession so it behooves us to uncover the sources for self-contempt in order to replace it with compassion and acceptance.

The mnemonic DESERVE reminds us of benefits that accrue when we treat our bodies with respect. 

D =Delight

E=Energy

S=Service-a healthy body serves us well

R=Reserve with energy and ability to enjoy

V=Verve enthusiasm, and vigor

E=Enthusiasm, enjoyment, joy in Movement

Conclusion: Self-hatred lies at the source of many addictions and the subsequent abuse of our bodies. We reap the rewards of good health when we replace hatred with compassion and treat the body as our most important asset.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts.jsimon145@gmail.com

SELF HATE ATTACKS: What are they?

Have you beaten yourself up for a relatively small mistake you made? If so, you’re the victim of a self-hate attack, an episode of self-condemnation that is generally out of proportion to the misstep you made. It is a kind of psychic flagellation that inflicts misery beyond any benefit you could derive.

Self-hatred has been referred to as a chronic condition that exists in borderline personality disorder, but many others experience an occasional brief burst of dislike for themselves.

Sufferers have the added disadvantage that their mental torment is invisible. Rarely does the victim beat his head against the wall or manifest any physical signs. Therefore, few can imagine the discomfort unless he has also been a victim.

The persistence of self-hate may indicate an underlying condition of low self-esteem. Though a bit far-fetched perhaps, I like to think of the psyche as analogous to the earth. Self-hate resembles an earthquake of the psyche. Imagine the psyche supported on a bed of low self-esteem, like tectonic plates that shift and cause an occasional upheaval with every occasional explosion of hate.

Episodes of self-hate may be an aspect of depression caused when brain cells fail to manufacture sufficient neurotransmitters to carry messages along the synapses. In this case, the addition of an antidepressant may solve the problem.

Another common factor is the psychological phenomenon of “introjects;” these are  critical or condemning voices from the past that echo in a person’s mind without that person being consciously aware of them.

For example, Mr. B. experienced self-hate attacks when he spent time by himself. In his psychotherapy sessions, he identified the critical voice of his father echoing in his mind, thirty years after the fact, telling him that he’d never amount to anything. Connecting the attack to his father’s voice freed him from the discomfort of solitude.

A self-hate attack may be precipitated by a failure to live up to an “idealized image,” a term coined by Dr. Karen Horney, author of TheNeurotic Personality of Our Time (1937) to explain a person’s self-deprecation when he falls short of an imaginary ideal. An example: Ms. D. didn’t live up to her family’s expectations to marry a wealthy man and, as a result, suffered episodes of self-condemnation.

Self-flagellation creates its own obstacle by depleting energy and erecting a barrier that blocks out helpful comments or feedback from other people. Ms. K, a talented artist, heard only negative criticism but ignored laudatory reviews of her work.

These attacks can be identified by:

Hopelessness

Immobilization, i.e., an inability to move forward

Dislike or envy of those who thrive

Taking action is helpful:

To identify the condition and attempt to change the negative message

To identify the cause: depression, presence of an introject, or an idealized image

Conclusion: No matter what the etiology, the goal is to recognize the problem, learn from it, and extricate oneself as soon as possible to avoid loss of time and energy. If allowed to persist, the condition can result in inertia and hopelessness.

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com