Parents and Psychotherapists: Some Common Denominators

Like Judy Collins singing “I’ve looked at both sides now,” I can tell you that practicing psychotherapy is far easier than parenting.

Therapists are fortunate to have the opportunity to dedicate time to learning, studying a vast array of psychotherapeutic techniques, reading about child development, reviewing case studies, receiving supervision from seasoned practitioners, as well as undergoing our own psychotherapy and/or psychoanalysis.

At the opposite extreme, few people recognize the complexity and few have the chance to seek assistance or advice on how to  parent.   Parents rarely receive formal instruction for their endless, ever-evolving intricate task.

Economic factors also favor the psychotherapist. The practice of psychotherapy is regarded as a respectable way to make a living, while parenting is an economically depleting endeavor. Money often flows out of a wallet or bank account faster than milk pours from a bottle.

Reversibility vs. irreversibility also places the advantage in the court of the psychotherapist. A person may become a psychotherapist and decide to change professions, but becoming a parent is irreversible. (Giving up a child for adoption doesn’t completely eradicate the emotion involved in the experience).

The therapist’s task is contained in the hour’s session, while the parents’ job extends over long hours that include the stresses of everyday life, inflicting a handicap similar to racing with one leg.

But we can find a similarity between the roles in the area of communication. Ideally both parents and psychotherapists aim to transmit messages with integrity and sufficient consistency to encourage and guide the child or client in positive directions. The relative success or failure of the task lies in achieving the goal: to help the individual  discover and explore his talents and find the way he can contribute to society.

Good parenting and psychotherapy involve a kind of artfulness. In other words, what to say and when to say it makes a huge difference. For example, we want to guard against expressing our thoughts and feelings when doing so wounds feelings and diminishes self esteem. We must select words wisely and at times sacrifice spontaneity and authenticity.

An example is the father repulsed by his overweight daughter; he does well to contain his feelings of disgust, and to help her by introducing less caloric foods and setting a good example by eating healthy low-caloric meals himself.

Unfortunately, it’s a rarity when society comes to a parent’s  aid when they’re having trouble. Nor do parents receive thanks for a job well-done. Which isn’t to say that rewards don’t exist; on the contrary, nothing compares to the joy of raising a healthy, well-adjusted person able to contribute to society.

Conclusions: The tasks of parenting are underrated, under-appreciated and under-supported, and in many ways, exceed the complexity of the psychotherapist’s  role. However, the psychotherapist is in a good position to teach the parent how to become a better communicator, a vital ingredient involved in good-enough parenting.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

Jsimon145@gmail.com

Take Heart that Your Parents Made Mistakes

 

Each of us forms images of the world based on our experiences derived from engaging with our families. Gradually we learn that our expectations don’t mesh with our encounters in real life:  The world is not the same as life in our homes; it is either better or worse, more or less accepting.

As a first year college student I was surprised to learn the world was a kinder place than I envisioned. I was free of my family and my mother’s needs (as a single parent) that had placed me a sisterly role. Now I was at liberty to act like an eighteen-year-old, to indulge in peer relationships as well as my studies.

Children who had “great” parents-that is, understanding, communicative, and emotionally available-paradoxically experience a handicap, too. In brief, an ideal early environment doesn’t necessarily prepare them for the future. 

Real life involves hard knocks in a world that hurts as well as heals. People emerging from an ideal childhood turn to a psychotherapist to address challenges presented by those who, unlike their parents, don’t have their best interests in mind. Acquaintances, colleagues, friends and romantic partners, with their own needs and agendas, may undermine, lie, betray, and/or even abandon.

Mr. T.’s parents fall in the ‘too-good’ category. As a result, he expected to find acceptance and approbation as an instructor at a well-regarded college, When he was criticized for his teaching methods, he didn’t know how to respond. Confused and distraught, he crumbled and withdrew, instead of attempting to adjust to the students and faculty. Years later, he realized that he continued to fear rejection and the absence of the acceptance he’d grown accustomed to in his early life.

He had to redefine his expectations and cope with criticism before he could connect to the real world of ups and downs.

An only child with “ideal” parents, Ms. I. was unaccustomed to rivalry and competition. She didn’t immediately recognize that her business partner was undermining their partnership, eventually attempting to assume control of their start-up company.

Although I’m not recommending the abolition of the ideal childhood, the rest of us can take heart and relinquish our envy by noting the downside of this rare phenomenon.

Conclusion: Some discomfort and misfortune prepare us for the real world, which alternately heals and hurts each of us at some point in our life’s journey.

Although we naturally assume the world will treat us like our family, defining the differences, for better or worse, will help us adjust to what we encounter outside of our early experience.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your response and welcome your opinions. Jsimon145@gmail.com

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