Conflict Isn't Crazy

From the beginning of time, humankind has been faced with conflict. The story of Adam and Eve embodies one of the oldest struggles: between good and evil, or an alternate interpretation between innocence and knowledge.

Fortunately some choices don’t create conflict. The child who chooses between red and blue overalls knows that his favorite color is red. (No one has yet derailed his sense of agency or will).

Experiencing conflict, although confusing, can actually be a sign of mental health. Conversely, the fear of exploring options can be hampering.   Mr. A., for example, was  raised by an abusive, alcoholic father, who hit him for reasons he couldn’t understand.  As a result, Mr. A. was fearful of making the “wrong” choice that would result in punishment. Therefore, he tried to squelch conflicts. This theme played out in his life, preventing him from speaking up for himself, and creating anxiety and psychosomatic symptoms. Recognizing the source of his fear helped him resolve the issue.

Conflicts don’t always just arise from personal experience: culture as a whole can create them. As Samuel Huntington asserted in his 1992 Clash of Civilizations, the primary source of global conflict now lies in cultural and religious identities, which can have very personal ramifications.

Ms. D., for instance, experiences the results of this conflict. Raised from birth in the U.S. by parents from a Balkan country who expect her to agree to an arranged marriage, she is torn between choosing  smooth relationships with her family or American customs. A conflict of this nature can take years to resolve.

Our psyches can delude us when we equate certainty with stability. The classic poem, Richard Cory by the poet Edward Arlington Robinson (1869-1935) graphically portrays a person who appears to have his life together but suffers unbearable turmoil.

Richard Cory

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,

We people on the pavement looked at him:

He was a gentleman from sole to crown,

Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,

And he was always human when he talked;

But still he fluttered pulses when he said,

“Good-morning,” and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich—yes, richer than a king—

And admirably schooled in every grace:

In fine, we thought that he was everything

To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,

And went without the meat, and cursed the bread.

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,

Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Conclusion: Conflict is inherent in the human condition and is more likely to cause problems when we fail to acknowledge, rather than face, it.

Dear Reader: I look forward to your comments.

 Jsimon145@gmail.com.

Love and Need: What’s the Difference?

On the week of Valentine’s Day my mind drifts to the subject of love versus need, a topic with which each of us deals in our own way. In essence, love is a luxury, while need is obligatory.

Love has a broad range: from positive connections to inanimate objects, to our vocations and avocations, to a deep sense of caring and concern for another person(s). 

In our culture we harbor the lofty expectation that romantic love and the fulfillment of our needs will be met in our intimate relationship.

Ideally, love transcends one’s own needs to include caring and concern that go beyond self-interest.

However, achieving the goal of combining romantic love with need fulfillment rarely comes naturally and probably occurs less frequently than we assume.

For example, Mr. K. has met a woman he “loves.” But he “needs” someone to help in his business. His partner prefers to pursue her own career. Mr. K. must decide if his “love” transcends his “need.”

In a long-term relationship in which one partner becomes chronically ill, the other person tends for the loved one in spite of having few of his own needs met. In the absence of love, a partner is more likely to abandon his mate.

In the 1992 best selling novel The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller, a married but lonely Italian immigrant, Francesca, living in 1960’s Iowa meets a photographer who is filming the bridges in the area. In their four-day affair, Francesca is awakened to the difference between duty (to husband and family) and romantic love, and must choose between them.

The fact that the book has been made into a movie (1995) and more recently a musical, attests to the universality of the conflict--romantic love vs. responsibility.

Sometimes the relationship must be tested to permit a partner to grow. Mr. L’s wife wanted to return work. Until she threatened Mr. L. with divorce, he didn’t agree. He realized his love for his wife surmounted his need for her presence at home. In the long run, he benefitted from the change; while preparing dinners for the family, he discovered his love for cooking.

Conclusion: Love (beyond need) takes into account the object of one’s love. It is a luxury that may involve inconvenience but grants each partner freedom to develop their individual talents.

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com