Our parents or
caretakers comprise our first audience,
and it is through our relationship with them, that we derive a sense of
identity and self esteem.
The “good-enough”
parent or caretaker provides an encouraging mirror, an interactive audience, to accurately reflect and
encourage the child’s development.
If a parent hasn’t
acquired the skill during the process of his own development, he may not know
how to execute this crucial task.
Psychoanalyst, Heinz
Kohut (1913-1981), considered the father of self psychology, described the
process and the importance of being “mirrored” by empathic and care-giving
others. Kohut focused on narcissism, the antithesis of a healthy sense of self
worth, deriving his theory from personal experience; he was reared by a
possessive mother.
(Narcissism results
from a lack of empathy and understanding in early life. Although the
narcissistic person appears to think highly of himself, he is actually suppressing feelings of low self-esteem and a sense of
worthlessness.)
Ms. W. ‘s experience
exemplifies a person who wasn’t accurately “mirrored.” A learning disability
was labeled laziness and as a result, she developed the self-protective defense
of narcissism that caused difficulty in her relationships with other people.
Parents who have been
raised in an emotionally-depriving environment may not be able to recognize or
gratify their infant’s needs, and in extreme cases, expect the child to serve
their own.
Mr. A. grew up in an
abusive household, and had to take care of his mother during her alcoholic
binges. As a result, he had little sense of independence or self esteem.
Like the
parent/caretaker, the psychotherapist serves as an appreciative,
encouraging audience as well as a mirror to reflect reality. Linking past experiences
to psychological blocks is like adding a catalyst to facilitate a process.
Ms. L., an only
child, had been raised by an anxious mother. Distraught, she brought in her
newborn and said, “I don’t know what to do with this baby.” I suggested that she observe and
describe what she saw: The
beautiful baby who lay peacefully cooing on my couch. As she gazed at him, she relaxed and realized all she had to
do was to be in the moment with him. Relieved, she quickly learned to become an appreciative,
encouraging audience.
To a greater or
lesser extent, each of us needs an audience.
The world-famous
violinist Joshua Bell experimented to see what would happen when, anonymously
and unannounced, he played classical music in the subway station. Passersby
didn’t notice him and he acknowledged he was distressed by the lack of an appreciative
audience. He tried the experiment
again, this time announcing the event beforehand. Throngs gathered and he was
gratified by the cheering crowd.
(An earlier blog post
(March 29, 2012) addresses the topic of
“The Absent Audience,” and the dire case of Sargent Bales,
accused of killing Afghan civilians, who suffered severe stress that failed to
be acknowledged.)
Denied sufficient
positive audience, a disturbed person
may turn to destructive acts to capture attention. An extreme case is
exemplified by Mark Chapman, who in 1980, gunned down the Beatle John Lennon.
Psychologists analyzed his history and concluded that he suffered from a
narcissistic personality disorder. They based their diagnosis in part on the
fact that Chapman craved the audience
that his hero, Mr. Lennon, attracted.
Conclusions: We
humans require an audience throughout
our lives, The most essential and formative time occurs in our early years of
development. Parents or primary caretakers fulfill this vital role and
determine much about our identity and self esteem.
Teaching parenting
skills to every parent and caretaker would advance human progress by light
years.
A haiku summarizes
the truism.
From the beginning
the infant needs an audience
to know who he is
