Attachments & Connections to Ourselves & Our World

The nature of the early attachment to our parents or primary caretakers influences (to a major degree) our relationships for the rest of our lives.

John Bowlby (1907-1990), the first attachment theorist, concluded that these early emotional bonds affect us from “the cradle to the grave.” He observed that the cries of an infant when separated from a parent or caretaker is an adaptive response to assure his survival.  The child feels loved when a parent (or caretaker) is accessible, attentive and reliable, and this in turn, leads to feelings of security and confidence that allow him to explore his environment. Failure to receive good-enough physical or emotional nurturing leads to (feelings of) anxiety, or in more extreme cases, despair and depression.

As we mature, we form bonds outside the family. Ideally the circle of connections increases to include teachers, peers, girl or boy scout troops and/or fellow team mates.

The adage, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is a useful metaphor to keep in mind. Often, people with affiliations (beyond attachments to fellow humans) to include a discipline, like arts or sciences, fare better than those who rely exclusively on interpersonal relationships. Outside interests render us less vulnerable to our less-than-perfect fellow humans who at times fall short of our expectations.

Mr. D. failed to receive good-enough nurturing early in life and never felt loved or accepted by his wife or children. When his dog died, he experienced a severe depression and had to be hospitalized.

By contrast, Ms. W. was able to transform her feelings of abuse (at work) to an interest in studying law. Desire to learn the legal aspects of work place behavior connected her to the library and to other people in similar situations.

Jonathan Lear’s classic 1990 book Love and its Place in Nature, a philosophical interpretation of Freudian analysis, expands Freud’s libido theory to positive connections beyond intimate relationships. Love, a basic force in nature, underlies the (infinite possible) positive affiliations to our world.

 

Our connections to the world are in a state of flux throughout our lifetime. We attach and detach to people, places and things as we evolve.

Mr. I. married twice and lost his wives to illness. In middle age, he decided he preferred a variety of friends to forming another marital bond.

Flexibility of our attachments and connections leads to physical and emotional health. By contrast, rigidity leaves us vulnerable.

When forced to retire early, Mr. F. became very depressed.  He hadn’t realized the extent to which he had relied on his job to fill his life.

Today many of us bond with technology. Witness the ubiquitous presence of the laptop and iPad. How this reliance alters the nature of our relationships to each other and our world is complex, and at present, to a large degree, unanswered.

Conclusion: Attachments and connections change throughout our lives. The quality of flexibility helps us adjust to our evolving selves and the world.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your response. jsimon145@gmail.com.

Please check for the next post on September 1. 

Conundrums of Our Complex Minds and World

Our human minds often complicate simple matters and  simplify complex ones.  Take the example of the stock market. It goes up until it goes down. But when it is rising, most of us (naïve) investors assume the trend will continue; when it is sinking (especially at a rapid pace) most of us don’t believe or trust that it will ever rise again. “The investing masses expect the most when prospects are worst, and vice versa,” William Baldwin said in the June issue of Forbes Magazine,

For socioeconomic, religious and psychological reasons, we may complicate a clear matter like nutrition. (Please refer to my blog post of May 12, Maintenance and the Body Self).   Simply stated, we consume calories (to provide energy) in the form of a balanced diet of proteins, carbohydrates and fats. We often overlook the simple equation that too many calories equals a gain in weight.

 

Happiness and sadness, gains and losses alternate like day and night, yet the human mind frequently becomes stuck in one position, like a car locked in gear. Quite often, we need to experience a few cycles before we perceive, and hopefully, accept them.

On the other hand, our minds simplify complex matters. We tend to turn a conflict into a matter of black and white (like the situation in the Middle East). Often the truth lies somewhere in the middle, with a broad swatch of gray in which both sides bear responsibility to resolve the conflict.

A developed mind is required to perceive and sort out the complexity of our human condition. In her work with children, the psychoanalyst Melanie Klein observed the psychological defense mechanism  she coined “splitting” to explain the phenomenon of black-and-white thinking.

Raised in a supportive and nurturing environment, the child’s mind develops the capacity to juxtapose opposing points of view and to perceive the complexity or gray zone of a person and/or situation. (Maurice Sendak’s classic 1963 children’s story, Where the Wild Things Are, is a delightful portrayal of how this process is played out. In the story, little Max misbehaves. He’s sent to his room where he fantasizes about a kingdom with wild beasts. Psychologically speaking, these creatures represent the (unconscious) projection of his rage.  He tames the wild animals, and this feat enables him to integrate opposing views of the world in which his parents nurture and reward him, as well as reprimand him.

This discussion relates to psychotherapy in significant ways. The “good-enough” therapist attempts to dislodge the client from the world perceived as all black or all white-to help the client integrate diverse points of view and the complexity of relationships.

Because an individual has spent years perceiving the world in binary terms, the process is neither quick nor simple.  Years may be required to accomplish the paradigmatic shift in a world view.

Oddly enough, the ability to integrate diverse points of view isn’t related to intelligence or educational level. Mr. O, very intelligent man who graduated Phi Beta Kappa from college, wasn’t able to grasp this concept and, as a result, his personal relationships suffered.  Presumably, his traumatic early environment created the need to maintain the rigid defense mechanism of splitting.

Nor does psychotherapy guarantee the ability to integrate the polarities. More important is an individual’s recognition that the process is possible and productive.

Meditation (time alone with our thoughts) and a desire to understand and resolve conflict help us live in our complex world.

Conclusion: A conundrum of the human condition is our tendency to simplify complex issues and complicate simple issues. Recognizing that tendency helps resolve the polarities in ourselves and our world.

Dear Reader, I welcome your response. Jsimon145@gmail.com.