(Re)Positioning the Past

We’ve all heard it many times: “You can’t change the past.” History happens once...but we do revisit it and our minds reframe significant events.    Time changes  our view of the past, and it in turn, alters and illuminates the present.

At times, a person may cling to the past as a defense to insulate against change and risk-taking. Reviewing and reframing the past may be essential when a person feels victimized by it.  A traumatic experience can act like an indigestible particle of food that requires something extra to metabolize it, like a pill or, in the following example, a course of psychotherapy.

Mr. W. was traumatized by an involuntary hospitalization and as a result, felt fearful of interacting with people.  He did not understand that he may have (unwittingly) played a role in causing this traumatic event. After several months of reviewing the circumstances, he recognized that his behavior had contributed to a misunderstanding.  (He had been lurking in the hospital corridors and refused to reveal the contents of his pockets, causing the authorities to suspect malevolence.)  Acknowledging that his actions had an impact on the outcome freed him from fear of living in the present.

Ms. K. ‘s father suffered from Alzheimer’s disease. She assumed that she would suffer the same fate. “Why bother to engage in life? Look how I’ll end up,” she said.

An article in The New York Times (November 17, 2013) suggests that we don’t need a test to see if we’ll be afflicted with this disease. Instead, we need to invest in the present and plan for the possibility by staying socially active, exercising, and purchasing long-term care insurance.

Conclusion: (Re)Positioning the past may be essential in order to engage productively in the present.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com

We’re All Diplomats

The task of a diplomat is to further relationships between nations. Each of us is like a small-scale diplomat who derives benefit from furthering relationships with people in our lives. Everyday diplomatic acts involve communication skills that are vital to determining  personal and professional success.

We walk a tightrope between expressing our thoughts accurately and taking into account the impact of our words on the recipient. If we’re too blunt, we risk alienating the other person and harming a relationship. At the opposite extreme, we may withhold our thoughts and add (the element of) inauthenticity, which leads to dissatisfaction for both the speaker and the listener.  Like a house built on a faulty foundation, the inauthentic relationship is in danger of collapse.

The case of Dr. K. exemplifies what can happen if a person is insensitive to others. He  was excluded from our social circle because he didn’t care about criticizing or hurting other people’s feelings. “He simply doesn’t play well with others,” a colleague said, explaining his disappearance from our discussion group.

At the opposite pole is Ms. Y. age 85, who lived much of her life fearing and avoiding self-expression. (Please see blog post of July 16, 2012 for more about her life). Raised by parents who spoke little and avoided confrontation, she followed their pattern. After withdrawing for years from one relationship after another, she began psychotherapy because she felt isolated. Today, she continues to hone the skill of direct communication.  As proof of her progress, when I changed her appointment time last week, she tactfully expressed her dissatisfaction and asked me to honor the original time.

However well-meaning, parents can be poor diplomats when they fail to  realize the impact of their words when they criticize their children.  Although they want the best for their offspring, they inadvertently add the elements of doubt and low self- esteem to a child’s psyche, increasing the burden of his learning difficulties and problems in the world.

Conclusion: Thinking of ourselves as diplomats involved in daily negotiating, capable of tact to further relationships, can be rewarding and productive.  Communication is  ( an underappreciated) skill that determines our success in personal and professional relationships.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Isolation is a Real Enemy

The state of isolation, in which a person experiences alienation from his fellow humans (often accompanied by hopelessness), is a major cause of suffering. The condition may contribute greater distress than underlying factor(s) like joblessness, poverty, old age, and/or illness.

Factors origiinating from an individual's upbringing, the school system, or our society contribute. And competition, an undeniable aspect of daily life, can further work against our affiliating with others.

In addition to everday causes, any kind of trauma, including divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job, a move to a new neighborhood, PTSD, can lead to feeling "cut-off."

Any time we don't feel “okay” within ourselves, we are in some sense experiencing isolation, which can lead to feeling detached from others.  Negative emotions of anger, envy, blame, and hate leave us feeling disconnected, while positive feelings like gratitude, hope, love, forgiveness, understanding, compassion and empathy connect us.  

Isolation is worsened by a lack of awareness, which, in the most extreme cases, can lead to acts of violence against self and others.

In late October, Mingdong Chen admitted to killing his cousin’s wife and four children. He said, “Everyone is doing better than me.” Beyond joblessness, his feelings  of isolation from humanity motivated the gruesome killings.

Each person experiences isolation in a unique way, and each of us can find different ways to emerge from our suffering and (re)connect.  A story in The New York Times (November 5, 2013) about "a woman who hears voices" relates the positive outcome.  Gratitude for the treatment she received, the ongoing relationship with her therapist, and her ambition to become a hairdresser brought her out of isolation. 

Nature and artistic activities connect us and mitigate against companionlessness. In The Nuthatch (used online in The Writer's Almanac (November 6) poet  Kirsten Dierking imagines a bird on her shoulder, a most pleasant connection that keeps her from feeling isolated and demands little in return.

“What if a sleek, grey-feathered nuthatch flew from a tree and offered to perch on your left shoulder, accompany you on all your journeys?,,,,Wouldn’t that be so much nicer than being alone? So much easier than trying to think of something to say?”

Conclusion: Feelings of isolation cause great suffering and lurk behind much human destructiveness. Connecting to a discipline, whether professional or artistic, can help when human relationships disappoint.

Dear Reader, I welcome your opinions.
Jsimon145@gmail.com

Abandoning Personal Power

My baby brother (ten years my junior) is an expert on many things, so I ask his advice on occasion. His outlook on the world differs from mine; he possesses bravado and the self-confidence to walk into any social situation.

Nevertheless, regarding a recent dilemma, I was surprised by his aggressive approach that had the potential to exacerbate the conflict.  By contrast, I hoped to solve the problem without ruffling feathers.

As I mulled over the matter, I realized that I almost yielded my sense of autonomy to my brother’s modus operandi.

How often we (especially women) accept another person’s opinion over our own (perhaps “good-enough”) judgment,  resulting in an abandonment of our personal power, I thought.

Ms. D. is an example.  An intelligent, middle-aged woman with years of experience living with a husband who lacked a good business sense, she participated in their last business venture that resulted in bankruptcy. She acknowledged that she had yielded to him knowingly and committed the same mistake again and again.

What factor (s) lie behind the surrender of our better judgment is worth asking ourselves. We could be governed by self-hate, a lack of trust in ourselves, or the simple preference to be a backseat driver.

Conclusion: Many factors may underpin sacrificing our personal power to others.  Regardless of the cause, becoming aware of this tendency gives us the choice to change the pattern. We can diminish life’s frustrations and improve relationships with others (whom we might otherwise blame).

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. Jsimon145@gmail.com