The Paradox of Hoarding and a Touch of Feng Shui

The term hoarding applies to the excessive acquisition of “stuff.” At first, an attempt to gain control over one’s life- a kind of defense mechanism which serves to diminish anxiety,  feelings of deprivation, and symptoms of depression- it can become a problem in itself.

Although collecting stuff is an attempt to gain control, the paradox lies in the loss of control as clothes, furniture, newspapers, books, etc., impair an individual’s life, usurping living space and interfering with relationships with other people.

The habit is more common among men and older people and affects 2 to 5% of the population.  Other people in his vicinity may be more troubled than the hoarder himself. In the extreme form, it can endanger lives, with hazards from falling, fire, and poor sanitation.

Hoarders are featured on TV programs- Hoarding: Buried Alive on TLC and Hoarders on A&E-and in literary works. The novel, Langley and Homer  (2009) by E. L. Doctorow is based on the lives of the Collyer brothers.  These siblings perished in 1947 under tons of accumulated possessions and junk.

The problem can endure a lifetime, severely affecting the afflicted person who finds dealing with “letting go” more painful than the inconvenience of the encumbrance.

I have seen a variety in my practice: a hoarder who has gradually changed, enduring the discomfort of discarding “stuff” during years of insight-oriented therapy, and another who refuses to part with her “stuff” in spite of the incredible burdens that result from “stuffing” two rented apartments.

Individuals change when something motivates them. I don’t mean to diminish the gravity of the disorder, but to underscore its broad range when I confess that I have been branded a “borderline hoarder.” The label caused me to think about the matter. I began to notice the unattractive piles of newspaper articles and magazines on the surfaces in my bedroom and living room. In my mind’s eye, I visualized order and open space that seemed preferable to useless stacks of old frayed newspapers.

Hoarding is an example of  “stuck-ness,” the opposite of “flow,” by which I mean the process of “taking in” and “letting go.” The indiscriminate accumulation of “stuff” is the antithesis of Feng shui, the art of re-arranging one’s living space, often applied to furniture in a room; the intention is to maximize the energy in our lives.

Conclusion: To face the behavior of hoarding, the inconveniences or downside must be experienced as worse than the change and pain involved in letting go of stuff.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. jsimon@gmail.com

Beyond Bullying

Bullying is receiving attention in the press this month. Sticks and Stones, Defeating the Culture of ‘bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy by Emily Bazelon was reviewed on March 3 in The New York Times Book Review and her editorial appeared on March 12. 

Bullying is a term adopted by psychologists for physical or verbal abuse, repeated over time and involving a power imbalance. One person with more social status lords it over another person, over and over again, to make him miserable. A single episode of conflict between children or teens does not constitute bullying.

The author notes that the term has been overused and this can exacerbate the problem for everyone, especially schools and students. Adults need to understand the concept and convey the message that bullying is unacceptable behavior.

Bazelon is optimistic; she knows that children themselves have a good sense of what the term means versus  “drama” which refers to “ordinary skirmishes.” Helping individuals engage in dialogue and teaching the tools of empathy and resilience are effective approaches to combat the destructive behavior.

 

Years ago I knew a woman who was mercilessly bullied by a man at work.   The concept was not widely recognized, and she struggled in relative isolation. Today, the term threatens to be over-utilized, so Bazelon’s book comes at a fortuitous turn in the road for a society ready to face and deal with bullying’s detrimental effects.

Conclusion: As a society, with increased psychological understanding, we’re better equipped to define and cope with bullying behavior. Recognizing it allows us to distinguish between teenage “drama” and to take positive steps to resolve conflict.

Dear Reader, I invite your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Owning the Dark Side

In her recovery memoir, reviewed in The New York Times Book Review on February 28,  “With or Without You,” Domenica Ruta describes growing up with a mother, who threatens survival by encouraging Ms. Ruta, to join her own drug-addicted existence. To exemplify the profundity of this destructiveness, Ms. Ruta describes a mother so overjoyed when Domenica began smoking pot, that she gifted her a bag of it for Christmas.

Sadly, the situation described in Ms. Ruta’s recovery memoir, isn’t as rare a phenomenon as one might presume. We psychiatrists/psychotherapists treat people who have received  confusing or destructive messages during their developmental years from their parents, teachers, culture, etc.

To overcome the extreme of a destructive message, the individual has to acknowledge a terrible incongruity: that the life-granting parent also wants to destroy, to a greater or lesser extent, physically, psychologically or both.

Scott Peck, best selling author of The Road Less Traveled, also wrote a less popular volume, People of the Lie  (1983). He used the word “evil” to describe people who fail to take responsibility for their destructive tendencies, instead projecting them onto others, including their children.

The necessity to excise a parent like a gangrenous limb, is too horrendous for most of us to comprehend. Yet to survive, Ms. Ruta had to distance herself from her mother both psychologically and physically, and hasn’t spoken to her since 2006.

She describes her mother as suffering from  “a spiritual autoimmune disease.”

 “In my head that’s how I make sense of it,” she writes. “It attacks everything in the body, including self-preservation, spiritual connection, love, friendship.”

In one way, Ms. Ruta is more fortunate than some of my patients whose parent(s) never own their actions or attitudes.  Domenica’s mother said about her book, “She lied about nothing. She told the painful, honest truth.” 

Conclusion: Parenting requires courage to face ourselves, including a tendency to want to destroy. Acknowledging the existence of the dark side of our nature helps to lessen the burden for both parents and offspring. 

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com.

Psyches Shatter Too

I’ve been outraged by the random senseless killings of gun violence in our streets but apparently like many, haven’t thought about the impact on the wounded survivors or the unfortunate witnesses, including children. So I am grateful to Alex Kotlowitz who explores this theme in a New York Times editorial on February 24.

According to Kotlowitz, also author of There Are No Children Here (considered one of the most important books of the last century), we have only begun to recognize the psychological impact of living in the perilous city streets, especially Chicago, a kind of “unspoken war zone”.

Violence shatters the psyche as well as the body. Relationships with friends and family are unpredictably disrupted. The child can’t assume people will be “there” for him and his sense of trust is impaired. In addition to lost relationships, the children loose their ability to concentrate on schoolwork. In short, the capacity to love and work, cornerstones of healthy functioning, disintegrate.

Mental anguish is invisible and often misunderstood. These factors add to the burden and suffering of isolation and shame. (Many patients I’ve treated over the years have wished to substitute a physical injury for their psychological distress. Their invisible suffering has left them feeling alone and isolated and deprived of the emotional support from families and friends.)

An example of failing to appreciate physic distress, is the fact that post-traumatic stress disorder wasn’t recognized as a valid syndrome, requiring treatment until 1980. (Please refer to my blogs of  September 10, 2012, “Post-Traumatic Stress, Some Themes & Variations," and February 18, “One Giant Fallacy.”) 

Fueled by (unacknowledged) feelings of powerlessness and insecurity, the victimized  adult or child may become a perpetrator of violence himself.  And so the violent cycle expands like ripples in a stream.

In brief, we need to treat not only the visible, physical wounds but the invisible, psychological wounds which may prove as deadly.

Conclusion: Although our understanding of psychological trauma has evolved over the years, an appreciation of the  psychological  fall-out from gun violence is just beginning to surface. This includes the enormous detrimental impact on  our children.

 Dear Reader, Please share your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com