The Benefit of Boundaries

Walking along Columbus Avenue, I overhear a young woman speaking loudly on the phone. “Well,” she says, “I don’t think it’s me.” (Meaning the stimulus doesn’t originate from her but from another person – or the environment.)

In my mind, her expression of doubt brings up the huge question of boundaries. It is common for us to be confused, to be unsure if a feeling, thought or action stems from oneself or another person. How can we recognize the difference between what happens to us inside or outside our heads?

Pulitzer-winning writer John Steinbeck recognized this confusion when he said, "I discovered long ago in collecting and classifying marine animals that what I found was closely intermeshed with how I felt at the moment. External reality has a way of not being so external after all."

At the most extreme example of this confusion between the physical and the psychological is the schizophrenic who can’t distinguish between thoughts coming from the environment or from within his own head. To make matters more complicated, he may also believe that his thoughts are broadcast to the environment. Tragically, in some cases, he doesn’t take medication to help because he can’t acknowledge the problem is his. It is a ghastly, isolating way to live!

Sorting out these kinds of boundaries is vital to our interpersonal relationships. The problem is that the task can be enormously complicated and time-consuming. And life rarely allows the opportunity. I consider the time to meditate or cogitate on these matters a luxury.

I remember a transforming session over thirty years ago when my psychoanalyst, Dr. Portnoy, pointed out my confusion about inner and outer reality. He cited the “lawnmower story” as an example of the problem:

A man finds his lawn in dire need of trimming, but his mower is broken. The man must now ask to borrow his neighbor’s lawnmower. He walks a few minutes to the neighbor’s door and by the time he arrives, he’s ready to punch the neighbor in the nose. Why? Because he has been telling himself (before even asking) that he KNOWS the neighbor will NOT agree to lend his mower. All this dialogue going on within the man’s own mind, totally unrelated to any attributes of his neighbor.

When Dr. Portnoy told me this story, I realized a lot of dialogue was going on in my head that was totally unrelated to my environment and circumstances of the moment.

Conclusion: Boundaries are vital to human interaction and productive functioning but may take time and energy to sort out.

Recognizing the complexity and the universality of the problem can be reassuring.

Dialoguing with others to gather various opinions can be helpful.

Keeping a journal to record events and questions about events and interactions of the day can help sort out confusion.

As it was in my case, a course of psychotherapy may be necessary.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)