Prejudice: A Dangerous Defense Mechanism

"Prejudice is a great time saver: You can form opinions without having to get the facts." E. B. White

Prejudice is described as an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason. For its many negative outcomes, it can also be seen as a universal trait tied to our very human instinct to survive.

By nature, we are attracted to our own kind and more inclined to perceive the “other,” as bad or frightening. The challenge is to recognize this impulse and determine if fear or negative judgment is justified.

Like any defense mechanism, prejudgment is meant to protect us. Similar to the other defenses, like denial, displacement and dissociation, used to an extreme, it endangers us and works against our survival. We fare better—psychologically, socially, culturally and economically—in an accepting, rather than a condemning, environment.

We only have to study democratic versus dictatorial governments to learn that we thrive in environments of tolerance and fairness and suffer in their absence. Democracies involve the people and are more likely to be humane and according to R.W. Johnson (The Observer, September 2007) make better decisions as did Churchill and Roosevelt compared to Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin.  Especially in our global age that brings us ever-closer to each other, confronting prejudice fosters peace and harmony.

Conversely, societies that breed prejudice are oppressive. Tragically, dictators like Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin capitalized on this tendency of human nature in order to inspire fear and prejudice in their citizens and further their despotic power.

Sadly, even in open, developed nations like our own, where we have supposedly progressed beyond tribalism, individuals learn prejudice from our upbringing and surroundings.

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Go Set A Watchman, Harper Lee’s recently published novel, can serve to increase our awareness of the complexity of people and prejudice. In the classic story, Atticus Finch, an attorney, battled injustice regardless of personal cost. In the new book, he is portrayed as a complex person who is capable of heroic acts as well as harboring feelings of white supremacy.

Forcing prejudice to step out of the closet is a first step to contend with it.  In essence we prejudge constantly and too rarely have the opportunity to grasp the complexity of every individual we meet. I naturally assume a great deal about someone with whom I haven’t exchanged a single word. As I speak to them I realize how far off base my assumptions most often are. 

Mr. M. tells me about his niece who met prejudice in Japan because she was only half-Japanese. Over time, however, she became a major force in the community and was regarded kindly as a “sister.”  When she didn’t come home after work one night, the neighbors were concerned. Upon her safe arrival the next morning, they cheered her as if they were celebrating a national holiday.

The goal is to increase our awareness with:

Education

Exposure/proximity

Travel

Necessity (economic advantages)

Recognition of our common origins: a long time ago, we all descended from one man and one woman

Conclusion: Opening our minds to receive new information and process the complex problem of prejudice,  ultimately enriches our lives and reinforces our survival.

Dear Reader: I welcome your thoughts.  jsimon145@gmail.com

Taking Our Minds on Vacation

“Nowhere is there a more idyllic spot, a vacation home more private and peaceful, than in one’s mind, especially when it is furnished in such a way that the merest inward glance induces ease,” wrote Marcus Aurelius wrote in his “meditations.”

Hundreds of years before meditation became popular in our culture, the Roman emperor recognized this great asset of the human mind. While the body may be confined to a physical space, the mind is free to roam.

The images we create in our own mind wield a great impact on our mood. Minds travel to light, airy places, lifting our spirits, or conversely, they imagine negative situations, (like dark, dank caves) that can cause us to spiral into hopelessness.

Since Aurelius’ day, volumes have been written on meditation techniques. Herbert Benson’s The Relaxation Response (1971) was a best seller that helped to westernize yoga practice. Throughout her book Thrive (2014), Arianna Huffington mentions meditation and its variations as an essential element to well-being.

Some of us utilize this gift without realizing it. For example,

as a child, Ms. I. awakened early in the morning to sit on the steps of her suburban home before anyone else awakened unaware that  she was taking mini-mental vacations from her family and the demands of the day.

It is likely that many subway riders plugged into their headphones,   escape the local scene to visualize an idyllic journey.

Conclusion: Becoming aware of the mind’s power to incorporate mini-vacations into our daily lives, regardless of the method used,  can serve to reduce stress in a few seconds.

Dear Reader, I welcome your response.

jsimon145@gmail.com

Viewing Ourselves in and out of Context

When we compare ourselves with another person we usually do so  either:

1. to inspire ourselves to achieve or 2. to put ourselves down.

To compare in a negative light is to like hauling ourselves out of our own journey and hurling ourselves onto a path strewn with obstacles— as if a steam shovel has shifted soil from underfoot and dumped it on the path in front of our feet.

For example, Mr. J. compares himself to his three brothers who  married and raised families. He assumed his life would go in a similar direction. When he reached mid-life, he realized matters hadn’t worked out as he expected. In order to accept himself, he had to recognize that his position and role in the family differed from theirs and set him on an equally respectable, albeit distinctive path.

In his memoir, “On the Move” Oliver Sacks says, “Individuality is deeply imbued in us from the very start, at the neuronal level....We are destined, whether we wish it or not, to a life of particularity and self-development, to make our own individual paths through life.”

A common tendency of parents is to compare their children with others. Most helpful is to recognize the unique talents and liabilities of each child.

For example, Ms. T. noticed that her twenty-year-old daughter, Amy, avoided family get-togethers. Amy struggled with a learning disorder and was comparing herself to her high-achieving cousins. Instead of criticizing Amy for withdrawing, Ms. T. expressed pride in her daughter's progress as she worked to overcome her difficulties. Reassured, Amy began to participate in social events.

A middle-aged man, Mr. O. saw his life as a continuous downhill trajectory. As we spoke, we realized he was comparing himself with his younger, 30-year-old self. Naturally as we age our minds and bodies change. Seeing ourselves in the context of age is an essential step toward self-acceptance.

Ideally, we embrace our individuality with neither defeat nor conceit.  The challenge is to develop our unique gifts and confront our deficits and, whenever possible, transform a challenge into an asset. To return to Dr. Sack's experience: After World War II, he had trouble “with the three B’s: bombing, belonging and believing”—difficulties that he attributed to helping him empathize with patients who felt like misfits and outsiders.

 Conclusion: To view ourselves in the context of our background, history and the present, is an essential aspect of self–acceptance.

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Self Hate and the Body

My last blog addressed the topic of a self-hate attack—a sudden, intense mental episode of self-condemnation.  Alternatively (or in addition) self-hatred may be expressed through the body in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons. (For more detail, please refer to my blog of June 1).

Picking up on the theme of self hatred, the same kind of self-loathing can be expressed through bodily abuse. One of the most common manifestations of body-directed self-hatred is addiction, such as   drinking, smoking, and eating disorders, common methods that numb our negative feelings,  and in addition to causing harm to our bodies may also prevent us from tackling underlying problems. 

Dr. Allen Berger, author of 12 Stupid Things that Mess Up Recovery focuses on Dr. Karen Horney’s theory of the idealized image as the source of self-hatred underlying many addictions and the need to replace hate with compassion.

Ms. K. punished her body by overeating and under-exercising. As a child people compared her to her beautiful mother. Most likely unaware of their cruelty and the negative impact of their words, friends said to her, “Too bad you got your father’s big nose instead of your mother’s good looks.”  Recovering this past memory helped her understand and transcend the intense feelings of self contempt.

The body is our most valuable possession so it behooves us to uncover the sources for self-contempt in order to replace it with compassion and acceptance.

The mnemonic DESERVE reminds us of benefits that accrue when we treat our bodies with respect. 

D =Delight

E=Energy

S=Service-a healthy body serves us well

R=Reserve with energy and ability to enjoy

V=Verve enthusiasm, and vigor

E=Enthusiasm, enjoyment, joy in Movement

Conclusion: Self-hatred lies at the source of many addictions and the subsequent abuse of our bodies. We reap the rewards of good health when we replace hatred with compassion and treat the body as our most important asset.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts.jsimon145@gmail.com

SELF HATE ATTACKS: What are they?

Have you beaten yourself up for a relatively small mistake you made? If so, you’re the victim of a self-hate attack, an episode of self-condemnation that is generally out of proportion to the misstep you made. It is a kind of psychic flagellation that inflicts misery beyond any benefit you could derive.

Self-hatred has been referred to as a chronic condition that exists in borderline personality disorder, but many others experience an occasional brief burst of dislike for themselves.

Sufferers have the added disadvantage that their mental torment is invisible. Rarely does the victim beat his head against the wall or manifest any physical signs. Therefore, few can imagine the discomfort unless he has also been a victim.

The persistence of self-hate may indicate an underlying condition of low self-esteem. Though a bit far-fetched perhaps, I like to think of the psyche as analogous to the earth. Self-hate resembles an earthquake of the psyche. Imagine the psyche supported on a bed of low self-esteem, like tectonic plates that shift and cause an occasional upheaval with every occasional explosion of hate.

Episodes of self-hate may be an aspect of depression caused when brain cells fail to manufacture sufficient neurotransmitters to carry messages along the synapses. In this case, the addition of an antidepressant may solve the problem.

Another common factor is the psychological phenomenon of “introjects;” these are  critical or condemning voices from the past that echo in a person’s mind without that person being consciously aware of them.

For example, Mr. B. experienced self-hate attacks when he spent time by himself. In his psychotherapy sessions, he identified the critical voice of his father echoing in his mind, thirty years after the fact, telling him that he’d never amount to anything. Connecting the attack to his father’s voice freed him from the discomfort of solitude.

A self-hate attack may be precipitated by a failure to live up to an “idealized image,” a term coined by Dr. Karen Horney, author of TheNeurotic Personality of Our Time (1937) to explain a person’s self-deprecation when he falls short of an imaginary ideal. An example: Ms. D. didn’t live up to her family’s expectations to marry a wealthy man and, as a result, suffered episodes of self-condemnation.

Self-flagellation creates its own obstacle by depleting energy and erecting a barrier that blocks out helpful comments or feedback from other people. Ms. K, a talented artist, heard only negative criticism but ignored laudatory reviews of her work.

These attacks can be identified by:

Hopelessness

Immobilization, i.e., an inability to move forward

Dislike or envy of those who thrive

Taking action is helpful:

To identify the condition and attempt to change the negative message

To identify the cause: depression, presence of an introject, or an idealized image

Conclusion: No matter what the etiology, the goal is to recognize the problem, learn from it, and extricate oneself as soon as possible to avoid loss of time and energy. If allowed to persist, the condition can result in inertia and hopelessness.

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Parents and Psychotherapists: Some Common Denominators

Like Judy Collins singing “I’ve looked at both sides now,” I can tell you that practicing psychotherapy is far easier than parenting.

Therapists are fortunate to have the opportunity to dedicate time to learning, studying a vast array of psychotherapeutic techniques, reading about child development, reviewing case studies, receiving supervision from seasoned practitioners, as well as undergoing our own psychotherapy and/or psychoanalysis.

At the opposite extreme, few people recognize the complexity and few have the chance to seek assistance or advice on how to  parent.   Parents rarely receive formal instruction for their endless, ever-evolving intricate task.

Economic factors also favor the psychotherapist. The practice of psychotherapy is regarded as a respectable way to make a living, while parenting is an economically depleting endeavor. Money often flows out of a wallet or bank account faster than milk pours from a bottle.

Reversibility vs. irreversibility also places the advantage in the court of the psychotherapist. A person may become a psychotherapist and decide to change professions, but becoming a parent is irreversible. (Giving up a child for adoption doesn’t completely eradicate the emotion involved in the experience).

The therapist’s task is contained in the hour’s session, while the parents’ job extends over long hours that include the stresses of everyday life, inflicting a handicap similar to racing with one leg.

But we can find a similarity between the roles in the area of communication. Ideally both parents and psychotherapists aim to transmit messages with integrity and sufficient consistency to encourage and guide the child or client in positive directions. The relative success or failure of the task lies in achieving the goal: to help the individual  discover and explore his talents and find the way he can contribute to society.

Good parenting and psychotherapy involve a kind of artfulness. In other words, what to say and when to say it makes a huge difference. For example, we want to guard against expressing our thoughts and feelings when doing so wounds feelings and diminishes self esteem. We must select words wisely and at times sacrifice spontaneity and authenticity.

An example is the father repulsed by his overweight daughter; he does well to contain his feelings of disgust, and to help her by introducing less caloric foods and setting a good example by eating healthy low-caloric meals himself.

Unfortunately, it’s a rarity when society comes to a parent’s  aid when they’re having trouble. Nor do parents receive thanks for a job well-done. Which isn’t to say that rewards don’t exist; on the contrary, nothing compares to the joy of raising a healthy, well-adjusted person able to contribute to society.

Conclusions: The tasks of parenting are underrated, under-appreciated and under-supported, and in many ways, exceed the complexity of the psychotherapist’s  role. However, the psychotherapist is in a good position to teach the parent how to become a better communicator, a vital ingredient involved in good-enough parenting.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

Jsimon145@gmail.com

Take Heart that Your Parents Made Mistakes

 

Each of us forms images of the world based on our experiences derived from engaging with our families. Gradually we learn that our expectations don’t mesh with our encounters in real life:  The world is not the same as life in our homes; it is either better or worse, more or less accepting.

As a first year college student I was surprised to learn the world was a kinder place than I envisioned. I was free of my family and my mother’s needs (as a single parent) that had placed me a sisterly role. Now I was at liberty to act like an eighteen-year-old, to indulge in peer relationships as well as my studies.

Children who had “great” parents-that is, understanding, communicative, and emotionally available-paradoxically experience a handicap, too. In brief, an ideal early environment doesn’t necessarily prepare them for the future. 

Real life involves hard knocks in a world that hurts as well as heals. People emerging from an ideal childhood turn to a psychotherapist to address challenges presented by those who, unlike their parents, don’t have their best interests in mind. Acquaintances, colleagues, friends and romantic partners, with their own needs and agendas, may undermine, lie, betray, and/or even abandon.

Mr. T.’s parents fall in the ‘too-good’ category. As a result, he expected to find acceptance and approbation as an instructor at a well-regarded college, When he was criticized for his teaching methods, he didn’t know how to respond. Confused and distraught, he crumbled and withdrew, instead of attempting to adjust to the students and faculty. Years later, he realized that he continued to fear rejection and the absence of the acceptance he’d grown accustomed to in his early life.

He had to redefine his expectations and cope with criticism before he could connect to the real world of ups and downs.

An only child with “ideal” parents, Ms. I. was unaccustomed to rivalry and competition. She didn’t immediately recognize that her business partner was undermining their partnership, eventually attempting to assume control of their start-up company.

Although I’m not recommending the abolition of the ideal childhood, the rest of us can take heart and relinquish our envy by noting the downside of this rare phenomenon.

Conclusion: Some discomfort and misfortune prepare us for the real world, which alternately heals and hurts each of us at some point in our life’s journey.

Although we naturally assume the world will treat us like our family, defining the differences, for better or worse, will help us adjust to what we encounter outside of our early experience.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your response and welcome your opinions. Jsimon145@gmail.com

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