The Gift of an Appreciative Audience

Our parents or caretakers comprise our first audience, and it is through our relationship with them, that we derive a sense of identity and self esteem.

The “good-enough” parent or caretaker provides an encouraging mirror, an interactive audience, to accurately reflect and encourage the child’s development.

If a parent hasn’t acquired the skill during the process of his own development, he may not know how to execute this crucial task.

Psychoanalyst, Heinz Kohut (1913-1981), considered the father of self psychology, described the process and the importance of being “mirrored” by empathic and care-giving others. Kohut focused on narcissism, the antithesis of a healthy sense of self worth, deriving his theory from personal experience; he was reared by a possessive mother.

(Narcissism results from a lack of empathy and understanding in early life. Although the narcissistic person appears to think highly of himself,  he is actually  suppressing feelings of low self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness.)

Ms. W. ‘s experience exemplifies a person who wasn’t accurately “mirrored.” A learning disability was labeled laziness and as a result, she developed the self-protective defense of narcissism that caused difficulty in her relationships with other people.

Parents who have been raised in an emotionally-depriving environment may not be able to recognize or gratify their infant’s needs, and in extreme cases, expect the child to serve their own.

Mr. A. grew up in an abusive household, and had to take care of his mother during her alcoholic binges. As a result, he had little sense of independence or self esteem.

Like the parent/caretaker, the psychotherapist serves as an appreciative, encouraging  audience as well as a mirror to reflect reality. Linking past experiences to psychological blocks is like adding a catalyst to facilitate a process.

Ms. L., an only child, had been raised by an anxious mother. Distraught, she brought in her newborn and said, “I don’t know what to do with this baby.”  I suggested that she observe and describe what she saw:  The beautiful baby who lay peacefully cooing on my couch.  As she gazed at him, she relaxed and realized all she had to do was to be in the moment with him.  Relieved, she quickly learned to become an appreciative, encouraging audience.

To a greater or lesser extent, each of us needs an audience.

The world-famous violinist Joshua Bell experimented to see what would happen when, anonymously and unannounced, he played classical music in the subway station. Passersby didn’t notice him and he acknowledged he was distressed by the lack of an appreciative audience. He tried the experiment again, this time announcing the event beforehand. Throngs gathered and he was gratified by the cheering crowd.

(An earlier blog post (March 29, 2012) addresses the topic of

“The Absent Audience,” and the dire case of Sargent Bales, accused of killing Afghan civilians, who suffered severe stress that failed to be acknowledged.)

Denied sufficient positive audience, a disturbed person may turn to destructive acts to capture attention. An extreme case is exemplified by Mark Chapman, who in 1980, gunned down the Beatle John Lennon. Psychologists analyzed his history and concluded that he suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder. They based their diagnosis in part on the fact that Chapman craved the audience that his hero, Mr. Lennon, attracted.

Conclusions: We humans require an audience throughout our lives, The most essential and formative time occurs in our early years of development. Parents or primary caretakers fulfill this vital role and determine much about our identity and self esteem.

Teaching parenting skills to every parent and caretaker would advance human progress by light years.

A haiku summarizes the truism. 

From the beginning

the infant needs an audience

to know who he is

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