The Power of Listening

Most of us underestimate  the significance of listening. To listen is to offer a great gift. The good news: it doesn’t cost anything in terms of dollars and cents. The bad news: It isn’t easy, nor without risk.

We assume the act of listening is simple; we have ears and a nervous system capable of performing the task. But we fail to appreciate  the complexity and effort involved. Most often, we’re wrapped up in our own thoughts, and setting them aside to truly grasp the essence of another’s words rarely happens.

Early in their training, young psychiatrists are surprised to learn the power of listening. Because our culture gears us to be “active” versus “passive,” the receptive act of listening proves more difficult than offering an interpretation.

To listen differs from hearing and is more involved than perceiving sounds with our ears. Hearing happens, but listening requires concentration. The brain makes sense of the words and sentences. Listening is a learned, acquired ability that often leads to more learning.

One reason we love our dogs is that they appear to be among the best listeners. Without uttering a single word, they convey understanding and seem to be interested  Paradoxically, they can’t understand the words well enough to fit the definition of “listening.” Nevertheless, they often seem to do a better job, presumably by paying attention to the tone of our voice, our body language, and our scents.

Certainly inherent in the art of medicine is the ability to be a “good enough” listener. And we need to be aware of the fact that listening comes at an emotional cost.

My internist shared his observations. People unburden themselves to him, telling him their troubles. He notices they seem happier when they leave his office, relieved to have shared their stories. On the other hand, his mood has taken a turn to the downside because at times, he feels the weight of their worries.

What can he do?  He can realize that he has given a gift and need not feel he has to do more. It’s best not to offer advice. Since he hasn’t spent much time with them, he hasn’t collected enough details to make suggestions. In fact,  to give advice could be taken as a sign that he hasn’t adequately listened to them.

Sometimes people set us up to offer suggestions they can refuse. Or they can externalize their power on us and hold us responsible for their mistake. For example, Ms. J asked me to make a decision about where she should live. I could repeat her words, reflect back to her, or mirror, her views. But for me to make a decision would usurp the power that lies in her hands. “You’re in the driver’s seat of your own life,” I told her,  “and I trust you’ll make the best decision.”

If  Aaron Alexis, the military contractor, had been listened to and heard, he and 12 others in the Washington Navy Yard might still be alive today. (Please see my post of October 14,)

A new website www.listen.org sets a sanguine tone. The website is available free of charge to guide the listeners and those who need to be listened to. It is a valuable online resource for anyone having questions about how to help themselves as well as those to whom they’re listening.

Conclusion: Listening is an art and skill that is underestimated in value and complexity.  The website, www.listen.org. offers advice to listeners and those in need of being heard.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts on this important topic. jsimon145@gmail.com.