Acceptance and Authenticity, a tenuous balance

The struggle to become our true/real selves is, for the most part, an unconscious effort. Early in life, we learn to curb our aggressive tendencies and refrain from hitting our classmates in school in order to gain acceptance. However, balancing acceptance with our authentic being is often a subtle and life-long journey.

To a greater or lesser degree, we conform to expectations in order to be loved and accepted by our family and our world.

If we don’t receive “good enough” acceptance in our developmental years, we’re more likely to abandon the core of our “real” being, in order to receive acceptance and/or love.

The factors that determine our courage and honesty are complex and most likely involve environmental as well as genetic factors. However the following two examples illustrate the power of the environment.

Ms. L. a married woman, felt trapped in her relationship. In order to be true to herself, she divorced. She had the courage to trust herself enough to leave her husband in spite of her family’s disapproval. Her self-confidence, in this regard, may have been related to the acceptance she knew (from her family) early in her life.

A more extreme lack of acceptance from parents and his environment left Mr. M. confused about a real sense of himself, his sexuality and his talents, in spite of the positive feedback that he received from friends and colleagues later in life.

Fortunately, our society has become more open-minded regarding sexual preference. In an earlier post  (July 29, “Life Scripts”), I discussed the writer, James Morris, who after years of marriage, realized that becoming his authentic self involved a sex change operation. (He was fortunate to be accepted as a woman by his wife with whom he continues to live.)

Beyond everyday life, the theme of many plays and movies focuses on the dilemma of authenticity vs. acceptance. 

In Tennessee Williams’s play The Glass Menagerie (please refer to the post of September 30, “Consider the Chaos”), the disapproving mother, Mrs. Wingfield,  criticizes her children incessantly and drives them to escape into worlds of fantasy. Tragically, they do not experience the (relative) contentment that results from living an authentic existence in the “real” world.

Conclusion: The psychotherapeutic relationship and the arts examine the rich and fluid space/land between authenticity and acceptance.

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments regarding this human conundrum. Jsimon145@gmail.com