Suffering: Necessary and Unnecessary (Inherent & Extraneous)

Most of us discover at an early age that suffering is a natural and unavoidable aspect of life.

A two year-old child who doesn’t like to have his diaper changed, says, “I don’t want to, but I have to.” He already experiences discomfort as an inherent part of life. (If he’s fortunate, the level of suffering won’t rise above the essential due to the changes and losses inherent in living). Sadly, joy is less common, often achieved with effort, like reaching for a purse on a high shelf.

Facing suffering in the world can lead us to find a way to effect change and relieve others of suffering; at other times, no useful purpose is served and we do well to distinguish between constructive and futile worries. 

For example, watching traumatic events replay on TV has raised the possibility of increasing post-traumatic stress.  While the research isn’t definitive, some people like Mr. E. suffered from viewing the nightly news reports of bombings and shootings, which he eventually realized contributed to his disturbed sleep pattern. In essence, unless we find a way to take action to improve matters, we do well to avoid viewing violent news reports that add unnecessary suffering.

In light of the serious world-wide suffering among people, please forgive me in citing a comparatively trivial, personal vignette. A few weeks ago, I participated in a popular tourist attraction, a horse tram ride through the cobblestone streets of Bruges, Belgium with twenty other passengers, pulled by one horse named Bella. I could not relinquish my feelings of sympathy for the horse who was forced to lug us, a very heavy load.  She plodded along, panting up the steep and narrow alleys, egged on by her owner-driver, in a caring, although demanding, voice.

I longed for the end of the ride which seemed interminable. I searched the faces of fellow passengers who showed no signs of concern and recognized I was “odd woman out” and best keep my mouth shut.

Of course New Yorkers would not tolerate this scene. And I don’t want to, nor do I have any business to make trouble regarding this matter, but I use the example to illustrate a point about suffering—a tricky predicament in which a “supposedly” pleasurable activity inadvertently resulted in suffering.

One man noticed my discomfort and tried to assure me.

 “She’s a strong horse and you know, if we don’t ‘use it, we loose it.’ ” His sympathy helped a little, but still my mind couldn’t escape thoughts of Bella’s struggle. Finally we arrived at our hotel, and as I patted her flaring nostrils and observed her labored respirations, I thanked her and offered sympathy for the suffering in which I had (unwittingly) participated.

 Then I caught myself prolonging distress by worrying about Bella’s future. How many times would she have to lug a heavy load before dropping dead on the job?

This kind of thinking is well-recognized and labeled “anticipatory suffering.” Recognized for its futility, it is best relinquished as soon as possible.

Conclusion: Suffering is inherent in our existence. But we’re best served when we distinguish whether we have a modicum of control over it. Whenever possible, we should shield ourselves from distress stemming from a situation that we can’t change or that serves no useful purpose.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. jsimon145@gmail.com

Thinking Outside the Box

Daily life offers many opportunities to think outside the box. On board a jet plane, the flight attendant instructs, “Look for the nearest exit and keep in mind it may be behind you.”  Transforming pantry odds and ends into a gourmet meal is another example.

The other day, I was searching for #8 envelopes in the stationery store. I located the airmail and manila envelopes on the shelf at eye level but couldn’t find the common ones. I asked for help. The attendant found them at the bottom of another shelf. I realized I missed an obvious opportunity to think outside the box. In support of my oversight, the helper suggested that these envelopes could be moved to a more logical and convenient  location adjacent to the others.

 “Thinking outside the box” refers to taking an imaginative approach to solve a problem, as opposed to a rigid, unyielding method that calls to mind a square box. In other words, thinking outside the box is often counterintuitive. Each problem is unique and often can’t be anticipated or tackled with prescribed methods.

Long before the term was coined, great minds thought outside the box and made contributions. One example is Dr. Alexander Fleming who in 1928 discovered the antibiotic penicillin. Instead of thinking along conventional lines to regard the mold in his Petri dish as an annoying contaminant, he recognized the potential advantage of its effect-namely to wipe out the surrounding bacteria.

When the medical approach fails to yield results or a satisfactory solution, the sufferer can benefit from considering alternatives that lie outside the limits of Western medicine. For example, Mr. A suffered from pain in his knee caused by an inoperable condition. He consulted several physicians who offered nothing beyond lifelong prescriptions for pain medication. Fortunately Mr. A. persisted and discovered that acupuncture relieved the symptoms.

After diagnosing Mr. O’s prostate cancer, the surgeon scheduled him for immediate surgery.

  “Wait a minute,” Mr. O said. “I want to consider alternatives.” He was proud that he thought outside the box to avoid surgery and choose a less invasive approach.

CONCLUSION: Thinking outside the box is an invaluable tool, especially important to keep in mind when conventional thinking doesn’t offer a satisfactory solution to a problem.

Dear Reader, Please share your thoughts and experiences. jsimon145@gmail.com

Mystery and the Psyche

“It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage & beautiful country lies in between.”

This beautiful quote by poet Diane Ackerman inspired me to think about mystery.

Then I opened Erica Jong’s new book, Fear of Dying (St. Martin’s Press, New York 2015) to find another quote about mystery  (attributed to Mishkan T’filah: A Reform Siddur, a prayer book for Reform Jewishcongregations):

 “Days pass and the years vanish, and we walk sightless among miracles. Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing; Let there be moments when Your Presence, like lightning, illumines the darkness in which we walk. Help us to see, wherever we gaze, that the bush burns unconsumed. And we, clay touched by God, will reach out for holiness, and exclaim in wonder, “How filled with awe is this place and we did not know it!”

A person doesn’t have to be a poet, musician or theologian to experience this high point of our existence. For example, many people reach the state of awe upon the birth of a child.

We can’t always reach the feeling. For me, a cup of strong coffee in the morning is necessary before I appreciate the magnificent sunrise or the marvelous construction of my Schipperke dog. In other words, chemistry can play a big part in our ability to experience mystery.

Then another—our psychology—can be a factor.  When we’re “self-centered” we see ourselves as the center of the world and we’re perhaps less likely to appreciate the world that lies outside ourselves.

But a mysterious experience can help us break out of our self -involvement.

For example, my life changed one morning during a run in Central Park with my dog. We noticed a crowd gathered in a semi-circle at the base of a tree. Everyone was fixated on a squirrel who sat quivering, as a pointer dog, intense and poised, focused his entire energy on the tiny, gray creature. I joined the crowd to watch and felt a sense of calmness overcome me. My sense of haste dissolved as if time had stopped, as if all of life was contained here, in this moment. Suddenly, the pointer leaped toward the tree and the squirrel dashed up the trunk. The moment broke; the crowd collectively sighed (with relief) and then dispersed.

In the next few minutes I had an insight—realizing that the world didn’t revolve around me; in fact, I was indeed a small part of the world that immersed me.

Conclusion: A sense of mystery can free us from a kind of self-centeredness to help us reach beyond the limits of self.

Dear Reader: I hope you will share your thoughts and experiences. jsimon145@gmail.com

Management and Our Emotional Lives

Living in the same neighborhood, the upper west side of Manhattan, for several decades, I’ve witnessed many restaurants and businesses come and go. Many endeavors begin with energy, verve and excitement. Then some businesses seem to lose their initial burst of enthusiasm. This observation motivated me to ask what factors/qualities distinguish success from failure; the term “management” emerged from the morass. 

A modicum of research turned up the name John Spence and his 6 simple principles of good management.  Although he applies the principles to businesses, they can be modified to serve individuals.  These include mission, vision, values, communication, focus, and disciplined execution or action.

Then I asked myself how good management relates to psychology and realized that our ability (or inability) to manage emotions and feelings determines our successes and failures.

Emotions and feelings are like the foundation of a house upon which the entire edifice/structure depends and requires maintenance. Failure to manage our feelings and emotions –anger, fear, sadness, disgust and joy—endangers the structure of our lives.

Emotions constitute our personality structure. If we neglect them, they can affect our health. On the other hand, feelings embody reactions to external events and frequently need modulation before they are expressed. Please refer to my blog of August 24, 2015 for further detail on emotions and feelings).

The news is filled/rampant with stories of politicians and public figures who wreck their careers by engaging in illegal activities-like sex scandals and illicit money schemes. Presumably these people fail to synchronize their (private) feelings with their (public) goals, and embody examples of emotional mismanagement.

When we indulge in self-hate we create obstacles to good enough management. For example, Ms. V. grappled with poor self-esteem that blocked access to managing her considerable artistic gifts. She lacked a clear mission and vision and failed to act even when she received positive feedback.

In brief, when issues of self esteem interfere, the individual needs to become aware of feelings of self- hate (and perhaps their origins) to muster courage and take risks.

Conclusion: Each of us juggles the complex tasks of living. But if we fail to manage our emotions and feelings, they can derail any endeavor.

Dear Reader, Your input is welcome. jsimon145@gmail.com

Curiosity: An Appetite of the Mind and a Gift to Cherish

Curiosity is one of the greatest gifts we humans possess. Bonus:  It’s free.

This underappreciated appetite for knowledge is what keeps us invested in the world around us and, in my opinion, makes us interesting to other people.

The word curiosity is derived from the Latin curiosus or “careful,”  a quality related to inquisitive thinking found in exploration and investigation, The curious genes pervade human and animal species as diverse as rodents, apes, cats, dogs (note above the picture of my dog gazing out a country window).

Furthermore, curiosity is associated with all aspects and ages of human development, an energy that propels us to learn and acquire the knowledge and skills to manage our environment. Ideally this knowledge helps to ease our uncertainty and anxiety.

Curiosity is not an attribute to outgrow, but rather a quality to nurture, even as we grow older, a fact that adds to the greatness of this natural gift. In contrast to other qualities (like anger) that we do well to bridle like wild horses, curiosity is an asset most often safe to set free.

Curiosity can free us from the prison of the ego, the trap of the judge who questions,  “Am I good enough?” “Dare I risk failure in attempting that challenge?” Instead curiosity can propel us like a bird soaring over the trees to answer, “I’m interested and I’ll pursue the matter.”

Antonie van Leeuwenhoek,  a Dutchman lacked a formal  education; yet his curiosity led him to great discoveries. Under his hand-ground lens, the Dutchman studied the plaque between his teeth and observed tiny moving creatures he called “animalcules.” He described their movements in simple, poetic terms and sent his observations in letters to the Royal Academy. Although at first the members in the organization doubted his sanity; ultimately, they were convinced of his discoveries which revolutionized the field of science. With no formal scientific education he became the man who today is considered the father of microbiology.

Each of us has our own unique brand of curiosity. At a young age I was tuned into my parents’ attitudes and behaviors, while my brother Bob has focused on objects like cars and history. (Pictured above, he examines an old bell on the grounds of the Historical Museum in Rockland County)

Although scientists haven’t identified the specific area in the brain where curiosity resides, the impulse seems genetic, but obviously also impacted by our environment.

Curiosity enhances our ability to learn and remember and has been found to involve a region of the brain connected to feelings, called the hippocampus, which helps build lasting memories.

The act of wanting and desiring new information involves reward pathways of the brain like the meso-limbic pathways and the nucleus accumbens as well as the neurotransmitters dopamine, serotonin, and opioid chemicals. In essence, a high state of curiosity stimulates interactions between neural pathways involved in motivation and memory.

Do you have it or not? In other words, is it a given? Or can we encourage it to flourish with nurturing like a delicate plant? Our educational system would benefit us by focusing on the question of how to increase a child’s curiosity and creativity.

Certainly, curiosity can be discouraged by criticism, condemnation, demand for conformity, and demanding rote memory versus problem solving.

Here are a few thoughts on fostering this vital quality:

• Encourage the ambiguity. For example, a child can be happy to be invited to a birthday party even though she is sad not to be receiving presents. 
• Encourage problem solving
• Point out the advantages of differences.
• Noting differences stimulates curiosity. We’re motivated to ask: what makes the differences and why do they exist?
• Support and encourage rather than criticize, and transform judgment into encouragement.
• Reward the ability to delay gratification.
• The ability to delay gratification allows us to pursue a matter in the face of a less-than-desired result or a disappointing response from others
• Point out positives and turn negatives into positives.
• Raise questions in neutral tones.
• Recognize the distinction between the judge who condemns and the critic who assesses.
• Encourage process thinking (problem solving) rather than rote memorization.
• Promote flexible, outside the box thinking rather than a rigid “It has to be this way” outlook.
• Celebrate the uniqueness of each mind.
• Consider a problem from many angles.
• Recast doubt as a positive attribute.
• Acknowledge that mistakes serve to teach us.
• Accept that no question is too silly to ask.
• Confront poking fun and bullying behaviors.
• Ask: What did I learn today?

Conclusion: Curiosity is an appetite of the mind that pervades the animal kingdom, a quality to encourage and nurture because it enhances our human condition and benefits future generations.

Dear Reader: Please contribute your thoughts and experiences to this vital topic. jsimon145@gmail.com

Apologies and Their Complexities

Man to Woman: “I am sorry that I’ve embarrassed you by wearing my penguin suit.” He thinks but doesn’t (necessarily) say, “But I’m not sorry I’ve worn it.” 

Although the words “I’m sorry” possess a mellifluous sound, they usually don’t roll off the tongue with ease or authenticity.

Instead these syllables can be as unpalatable as pebbles—

hard to swallow. 

Most of us would probably agree that apologies happen too rarely. We miss opportunities to say “I’m sorry” and often have to devote time and energy to compensate. 

The art of apology is not easy to master— something like the art of loosing gracefully. Perhaps there is a deeper connection between the two: Not uncommonly, we associate apologizing with loosing.

One way to dissect the subject is to separate an action from its (perhaps unintended) impact, as depicted in the cartoon above. Although the example is a tad silly, it makes a valid point. The man isn’t sorry that he wore his penguin suit (the action) , but he is genuinely sorry that his partner experiences embarrassment (the impact) at being seen with him in this attire.

An example from everyday life is Ms .H who didn’t recognize her mistake and the fallout in failing to communicate how much she spent at the department store.  However, she was genuinely sorry about the unfortunate repercussions—bouncing a check. Appropriately, she apologized to her husband for the inconvenience and the expense that resulted.

Politicians seem to have an especially difficult time because apologizing means taking responsibility for a mistake. As Hubert H. Humphrey humorously, said, “To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.“

Perhaps too few realize that failing to apologize can give someone the appearance of haughtiness, entitlement and indifference to others.

Paradoxically, displaying humility and acknowledging fallibility can increase popularity and trust.

Some obstacles that interfere with apologizing:

1. We think we have to project strength and invincibility in order to attain a political position or climb the ladder of success.

2. We fear that if we apologize someone will take advantage of us.

3. We depend on our confidence and we associate an apology with an impairment of our ability.

4. We fear that apologizing jeopardizes our appearance/image of our capability.

To acknowledge imperfections, some of us have to confront our idealized image, a narcissistic view of the self that dictates we must be perfect. In this case, a mistake and the need to apologize, can be experienced as like a blemish that needs to be hidden.

Rabbi Elka Abrahamson interprets the great medieval philosopher Maimonides’ steps on apologies:

The apologizer must:

•  Own his behavior/ take responsibility
•   Impact (to acknowledge)
•   Express remorse
•  Repair (the damage
•  Refrain from repeating

(The above components can be remembered with the mnemonic: Oh, I ERR.)

Conclusion: To err is human but to admit our humanness and apologize requires courage and strength of character.

Dear Reader, Your thoughts are welcome. jsimon145@gmail.com

Psychotherapy in (and of) Everyday Life (with and from those we love, hate or feel indifferent)

We don’t often stop to realize that our daily interactions with other people— to whom we might feel love, hate or indifference— can  help us become better people. It’s free psychotherapy— if we take advantage of it!

You can learn more about yourself (and others( without extra effort beyond reflecting or meditating on conversations  and exchanges you have with others throughout the day.

Many years ago my brother confronted me at a family dinner. He had overheard my conversation with my sister-in-law and observed, ”You have a knack for finding a person’s Achilles’ Heel.” Without delving into specifics, I admit that I wasn’t aware of this nasty habit. And I realized that in this instant, he had functioned as my psychotherapist!

By contrast, Ms. Y. blocked out information provided by those around her.  When a friend tried to advise her, Ms. Y. refused to listen. Instead she became angry at her friend. A year later, Ms. Y was devastated to learn that her friend had tried to warn her of her boyfriend’s infidelity.

You ask, how, where and when can we benefit/take advantage of such free lessons? We simply need to open our minds—to allow ourselves to review or question, to replay conversations in our minds. Most often, no pen or paper or computer is needed. We can reflect as we simultaneously move through the day, as we walk, ride, eat, or even sleep and dream.

  (The task can be more immediate than exercise, which requires pushing our reluctant/recalcitrant bodies to the gym and changing our clothes.)

Communication is like a two-way highway; that is, our words and actions impact others and ours have affect them. But because time is short, and a lot happens in a day, we don’t often take the time to think about this bidirectional process.

We’re more aware of this exchange if we allow our minds to be open to new information.  I refer to this advantage as the cultivation of a semipermeable mind. Instead of blocking out unpleasant data, we try to consider its validity and possible helpfulness. Deepak Chopra conveys this idea in his words, “You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible.”

A recent film Grandma exemplifies the premise that life can indeed smooth rough edges.  The great actress Lily Tomlin stars as Elle, a lesbian grandmother, poet, and impoverished retired college professor, The plot involves granddaughter Sage who seeks her grandmother’s help to procure the money for an abortion. In the journey, we meet Elle’s ex-lover Karl and learn that Elle has treated him abominably. Many years after the fact, he asks for the overdue apology.  Elle finally seems to grasp the reality of her propensity to wound people and apologizes to Karl as well as to a young paramour, Olivia, whom she recently hurt.

Conclusion: We benefit from keeping an open mind about our impact on others, reflecting on our daily conversations to improve our understanding of ourselves and others.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com