Ambivalence: From Crazy to Creative

Ambivalence is defined as the state of having mixed feelings about something or someone. This disorienting condition is natural and universal, experienced by each one of us at various times in our lives.

Ambivalence can be experienced many times a day from inconsequential situations, like choosing which vegetable to eat for dinner, to major decisions like whether or not to marry a certain person.

 

Quite often, we’re not conscious or aware that we feel ambivalent. But in life-altering situations, failure to acknowledge this psychological state can plague us to the point of distraction. For example, Mr. O wondered if he should or should not move to California for a new job. This kind of major life change can motivate someone to begin psychotherapeutic treatment. In less far-reaching situations, ambivalence can lead to confusion and befuddlement. 

 

Parenting is naturally accompanied by ambivalence. A parent may wish that their child would disappear so they could experience the freedom that they knew before their baby’s birth. If a parent doesn’t know that these feelings are natural and universal, they may assume that they are abnormal or even “crazy.”

 

In his attempt to understand people suffering from mental illness in the 1900’s,

Eugen Bleuler, a Swiss psychiatrist, coined several terms: schizophrenia, schizoid, autism as well as ambivalence. He was referring to the split between a person’s emotions and their thoughts. in defining and analyzing severe psychiatric illnesses, Bleuler was way ahead of his time in recognizing that the causes for mental disturbances could be explained as an amalgam of psychological, neurochemical/ neurobiological and societal factors.

 

Origins of Anxiety

Ambivalence occurs naturally in our development. Margaret Mahler, one of the great child psychiatrists of the 20th century, studied maternal-infant relationships. She identified the stage of separation-individuation in which the child of 12 to 18 months begins to walk and separate from their mother. As the baby moves away from her (or the primary care-taker) ambivalence may be experienced in both the child and the caretaker. The baby wants to leave but also wants to return at will for reassurance, for what Mahler called “refueling.” The good-enough caretaker allows the steps away and back. In this fortuitous case, the child develops a sense of security. When the mom/caretaker isn’t open to the child’s efforts to leave and return, the baby experiences insecurity. Insecurity may even develop into an anxiety disorder later in life. 

 

A second phase of life, adolescence, is a variation of the separation-individuation theme. Now the child is coming into their own as an adult and often discovers differences in themselves that may conflict with parental tenets of life. Once again, this developmental phase engenders ambivalence in both adolescent and parent. When individual differences can be acknowledged and accepted, the transition from adolescence to adulthood goes (more or less) smoothly.

 

For example, Mr. L has been raised in a close-knit loving family. When he thought of moving to another state, love and guilt created ambivalence, contributing to a major depression. In weekly psychotherapy sessions, he defined the tug between his feelings and thoughts as he tried to separate from parents who were reluctant to let him go. Once he perceived this not uncommon predicament, he was able to understand and separate with less guilt and anxiety.

 

From Crazy to Creativity

Ambivalence is not infrequently a jumping off point to spur creativity. The artist may create in an attempt to acknowledge and unify opposing feelings and thoughts. To me, the Canadian poet-song-writer Leonard Cohen (1934-2016) is a master of ambivalence, which he expresses in many of his songs. In a classic one, “Chelsea Hotel,” repetitive phrases echo contradicting feelings: “I need you, I don’t need you, I need you, I don’t need you and all of that jazzing around.”  

 

I invite you, dear reader, to find examples of ambivalence in your own lives as well as the works of your favorite artists.

 

Conclusion: Given the ego strength, the self-esteem and courage to face who we are—feelings, thoughts and actions—ambivalence can be recognized and understood and used as a vital tool to gain insight about ourselves and our world.

 

Dear Reader, please write to me: jsimon145@gmail.com

 

 

Tribute to Schipperke Woolf

In memory of my late dog Woolf. 

Scorched by the Torch (of life)

            Jane Simon (November 20, 2021)
                        For Woolf (2006-2021)
 
A recent presence
is now an acute absence
one hopes in a lifetime
for few such occurrences
 
Loss is the word 
we want to, but we
can’t escape
there is no exit
 
From emptiness
the hole of sadness
to leave it somewhere
 
Anywhere. Dilute with drink
but the measure is too
temporary; we sink to the bottom
 of the glass that is never deep enough
 
The ache we can’t reach
the scratch that refuses
relief, we’re stuck
 
In this autoclave of heat
we’re burning with the cold
of the heat, scorched
by the torch of love
 
The cold and the heat of loss
we never would seek 
but to live and die is
our unending destiny

Printed in: 

THE NEW YORK TIMES METRO: MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2007 
METROPOLITAN DIARY 

Dear Diary:

The following is a report of the most amusing session in my decades of psychiatric practice.
My little black dog, Woolf, a rescue schipperke — from a breed created centuries ago in Belgium to patrol the barges and keep rats out of the grain — also proves to be an effective exterminator.

When a water bug made a surprise visit to my office, I summoned Woolf from the back room. He dutifully captured the insect, which, protruding from his mouth, he attempted to give to my patient. A bit phobic, she ran screeching into the waiting room and leapt onto a chair. Sensing her distress, he dropped the bug and ran to comfort her. 

Laughing hysterically, we returned to the office to interpret the event. She appreciated his gesture of the gift, and his perspicacity in placing her comfort above capture. A few hours later, she phoned to thank us for the best session ever.

Jane Simon

To Appreciate or Not

In typing my journal each morning, I review the previous day’s events and my thoughts, reaction and responses to them. This morning happens to be Memorial Day, the day on which we remember and appreciate those who died in active military service, defending our country.  

Today, I become aware that I have to work to appreciate what I have rather than focus on what I may not have. In other words, I realize that depreciation comes more easily than appreciation. I don’t know why this is so. Curious, I explore the topic.

I think that appreciation is a more active process than depreciation, that unfortunately, emanates more naturally to many of us. We often seem to need some hardship to put us in touch with what we had, have, may have before we perceive both sides of the equation: to have, or to have not. 

As we emerge from the pandemic, we recognize the many ways we may have changed. Sometimes for the better; sometimes for the worse. If we’ve been spared physical illness or even worse, ongoing medical issues/problems as a result of covid, we might come out of the pandemic with a heightened appreciation for intimacy and social engagement. 

What we took for granted, we now embrace as an almost new-found privilege.

We were deprived of social get-togethers so now, the chance to see friends and relatives holds greater pleasure than ever. Dining in restaurants imparts a heightened sense of pleasure and appreciation. For me, attending gym classes, especially Nia dance, has imbued appreciation as well as patience. In pre-covid days, I was more often late to class than not. And I glanced at the clock impatiently wanting it to end. Now I arrive on time and delight in every minute and I’m more in touch with which muscles are called into action. I appreciate the togetherness of fellow dance mates, and it goes without saying that the instructor, Caroline, whom I always loved, I perceive with renewed gratitude for her dedication, passion and spirit that she exudes to all of us.  

Let’s consider this photo that I include in this blog. What do you see? 

For me, I view a masterpiece—the various shades of greens and browns and the variegated shapes, hills and valleys of its diverse patterns. But when you hear what it is you may experience disgust because it is mold. I call it Mold Masterpiece, which nature grew and imposed on old, cream cheese pushed to the back shelf of my refrigerator, where of course, I forgot it. Well, my point is that here is that this is an opportunity to note the dual reality, to appreciate or depreciate something in a harmless situation that implies no consequences in our daily lives.

How our choice to appreciate or depreciate impacts us on many aspects of our being—mind, body and feelings/soul—is a topic for another blog.

Dear Readers, I invite you to share your thoughts and feelings and look forward to your responses.

Gratefully,

Jsimon145@gmail.com

Jane Simon, M.D.

ASSUMPTIONS and the Power They Play in our Lives

 

 

Assumptions both keep us alive and lead to our demise.

 

When we board a jet plane to go on vacation, we do well to assume 

we’ll arrive safely. If we are afraid the jet will crash, we suffer from anxiety.

 

When we cross the street in the walkway with the light, we naturally 

assume we will get to the other side. And chances are in our favor that we will. 

 

What is an assumption? An assumption is something that we accept as true or as certain to happen without proof. Assumptions are ubiquitous. We can’t avoid making

hundreds of them every day!

 

Some work out well; some are disastrous. When an assumption increases

anxiety, we do well to explore its underpinnings. On the other hand, when

an assumption decreases anxiety it is helping us function. For example, 

in this difficult time of the pandemic, assuming that we will emerge 

from it with greater knowledge of viral diseases, can help to decrease

anxiety. 

 

Dynamics of Assumptions

 

More than 40 years ago, my first psychoanalyst taught me about assumptions 

presumably in response to an unhelpful assumption that I’d introduced. He related a 

graphic “lawnmower story,” as follows: 

 

A man wants to borrow his neighbor’s lawn mower and heads across the lawn to his neighbor’s house several blocks away. During his walk he assumes that the neighbor most likely will veto his request. He repeats the negative scenario in his head over and over again.  By the time he arrives at his neighbor’s door, he’s in a rage. When the neighbor opens the door, he punches him in the face. “You can keep your darn lawn mower anyway,” he says leaving the baffled man with a black eye. 

 

The wallop of this message demonstrates the power of assumptions.

Sorting out what goes on in our heads as opposed to what is happening in the world outside ourselves is a never-ending conundrum. Those who are accurate most of the time, function better in life.

 

Take, for instance, the event that served as the inspiration for this blog. During a Sunday breakfast of lox and bagels, my partner  began reviewing the bill from our Saturday evening’s dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. Before he even glanced at the bill, he remarked that it had cost him over $200! I was immediately taken aback. First of all, I thought he was off the mark by $20-$30. Second of all, I I felt insulted because I assumed that he resented paying for our dinner and perhaps expected me to pay or share the bill.

 

He claimed he didn’t mean what I assumed.  He simply wanted to know what he’d paid for dinner. Then he raised a question: Did I prefer that he review the bill at the restaurant before plunking down his credit card?

 

“Of course,” I answered. “Then you’d catch an error if there were one.”

 

But he objected, “I assumed that doing so would be impolite.”

 

“No,” I assured him_“that wasn’t my understanding at all.”

 

Both of us had made assumptions based on our past experiences. Taking responsibility for our mis-assumptions had a positive outcome that advanced our relationship and benefitted our pocketbooks. The next time we dined out, he reviewed the tab and found that he’d been charged for two bottles of wine instead of one. As a result, he saved $50.

 

We are locked inside the realm of our own experience so can’t help but

to make assumptions on the basis of our past experience. But circumstances

are constantly changing! Therefore, it is inevitable that we’ll encounter 

instances in which the past impinges on the present to cause problems. 

 

Books could be written about the occurrence of assumptions and mis-assumptions—those that have paid off and those that have fizzled-throughout the course of history, literature and science—as well as throughout our personal lives. But I’ll limit this blog to everyday assumptions with a slant toward the psychological. 

 

A negative assumption can put us in a bad mood and a positive assumption can lift our 

spirits. But we learn from both the negative and the positive ones.

 

Tragically an assumption turned negative in January 2022 for a 15-year-old girl killed by a school bus in the Bronx when crossing with the light in the walkway. (To make matters worse, instead of coming to her aid, the bus driver drove away, unaware that he’d struck and killed a human being.)

 

From this tragedy, we can take away the concept of caution. This positive strategy can help us reset our anxious thinking to cautious action. 

 

Patterns of our assumptions are often identified in psychotherapy. For example, a patient I’ll call Mr. Q.  assumed that his friends should give him more attention. He didn’t realize that his demands of them drove them away. Identifying the pattern allowed him step to outside his needs and to see people apart from himself. Paradoxically, when he demanded less, he received more from others. 

 

Conclusion: The exploration of our personal assumptions gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves, our intricate psychological make-up, and the world in which we live, in both the present and the past.

 

Please feel free to share your comments: jsimon145@gmail.com

Days

 

Days

    (Philip Larkin,  Poet Librarian (1922-1985)

What are days for?

Days are where we live

They come, they wake us

Time and time over

They are to be happy in:

Where can we live but days?

Ah, solving that question

Brings the priest and the doctor

In their long coats

Running over the fields.

Days

    (Jane Simon, Psychiatrist Poet, after Philip Larkin and the Fall of Afghanistan and 

                                                        the Earthquake and Storm in Haiti)

Days what are they for?

They come and go like earthquakes

Nay, not so, more somber

Like a tomb, not so either

More like hope against sorrow

Tomorrow may be better

But no one promises

Tragedy forever mixed with joy

We can't escape the ins and outs

The seriousness of it all

Few toys, a few games and toil

Toil forever mixed with joy.

OUTSIDE THE BOX OF THE BRAIN

At the risk of spouting cliches, I shall say that the human is a most complex being/entity. We are divided into so many parts that I’ve always wondered how we can unify this panoply of organs, tissues, cells, thoughts and feelings. 

Now comes another fascinating take on the problem at hand: the great connection among our tissues, our minds, bodies, feelings as expounded in Annie Murphy Paul’s The Extended Mind, the Power of Thinking Outside the Brain (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt). According to the review by Susan Pinker in The New York Times Book Review (June 27,2021) this volume lives up to its tantalizing title. For me, it evokes an abundance of thought. 

 I haven’t been inspired to write a blog in quite a while, but this book does tickle my brain cells. “I knew it,” I say to myself gleefully about my obsessive habit of waking, sipping my strong morning coffee and opening my computer to the word document that records the date followed by odd tidbits of thoughts and dreams that roll into my sluggish mind. 

I have thought of the time spent in this process that can last up to 45 minutes as rather a colossal waste of time, but occasionally some insight occurs that I can apply to my work as a psychiatrist with one of my patients or the beginnings of a poem. 

Annie Murphy Paul’s book provides information that I conclude justifies my time journal-writing and likely contributes to my good health. Paul speaks about interoception which is an awareness of “an SOS signal from body to brain.” “Though we typically think of the brain as telling the body what to do, just as much does the body guide the brain with an array of subtle nudges and prods. One psychologist has called this guide our ‘somatic rudder,’” Paul writes. 

Paul notes that looking out on grassy expanses near loose clumps of tress and a source of water helps up solve problems: “passive attention is effortless: diffuse and unfocused, it floats from object to object, topic to topic. This is the kind of attention evoked by nature. Psychologists who follow in the footsteps of William James, deemed the father of psychology, call this state of mind ‘soft fascination.’” 

I think the connection that Paul notes between diffuse and unfocused thinking and problem-solving helps to explain what happens during journal writing. From the comfort of my bed or couch I allow my mind-brain to enter the state of soft fascination. 

From my scattered thoughts of a few days ago, I jotted down the words therapist-journal. I realized my journal is my therapist. For years I have acknowledged that writing is a form of therapy and urge any patient who is open to exploring the process to try this technique to help them identify a conundrum and possible solutions to it. If one could prescribe a pill to overcome the resistance to the process, I would write a lot of prescriptions. The resistance to the process to problem-solve is another wide avenue to explore. 

Dear Reader, Kindly, send your thoughts about the above to jsimon145@gmail.com.

10 Sure Paths to Unhappiness:

 

 

1.      Expect more than can ever be delivered.

 

2.      Allow your mind to erase all your accomplishments.

(It is amazing how many minds I’ve seen accomplish

 this senseless, undermining task.)

 

3.      Focus on the negative and allow doom, gloom,

 and hopelessness to overrun and take over your neuronal pathways.

 

4.      Eat a lot of rich HD ice cream, instead of training your taste buds

to relish TJ’s delicious vanilla organic yogurt. (This is just one example

 of how you might wreck your health by failing to make disciplined choices).

 

5.      Failing to recognize how your creative brain is capable of manufacturing endless numbers

 of saboteurs that flummox your brain and obstruct your personal progress.

 

6.      Indulging in hours of “bad” news (fires, earthquakes, hurricanes, corrupt politicians)

 on the TV, iPad, iPhone, etc. especially immediately before bedtime.

 

7.      Forgetting to employ the great tool of curiosity to the world and everything and

anything in it.

 

8.      Putting all your hopes and dreams on the back burner.

 

9.      Forgetting that play and hard work go hand in hand.  Whether you express and/or appreciate humor

or farce or music, the visual arts, or great theatre, forgoing enjoyment can make you miserable.

 

10.    Forgetting that you must always attempt to rebound from setbacks. 

Each of us has our own hurdles; no one is immune from them, including royalty.