Trusting Our Untrustworthy Psyches

The human psyche is complex and often fools us. Freud spent his life demonstrating the innumerable ways our unconscious betrays and exposes our untrustworthiness, the disparity between our conscious and unconscious thoughts. What we wish for is not always what is best for us, and may even prove detrimental to our well-being.

The idea has been explored in fiction, from serious literature to children’s stories. In Oscar Wilde’s literary masterpiece, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Dorian makes a pact with the devil to maintain his youthful beauty. Of course any contract with the devil results in disaster.

The fairy-tale of King Midas offers another example. His wish to turn everything he touched to gold was granted. When he transformed his daughter from warm flesh to solid, yellow gold he recognized the fallacy of the wish.

Many years ago I shared the wish with my psychoanalyst that I’d been an only child. She said, “It was fortunate that you had siblings. Otherwise, you would have been more self-involved.”    She had called attention to my tendency to be self-centered, and I realized that a person doesn’t always know that what is viewed as a predicament may be a benefit (in my case, a large family).

What we say or think we want, may be precisely what, without realizing it, we avoid. Ms. G., a client noticed I was falling asleep, as her previous therapist had.  Snapping to awareness, I suggested we pay attention to the tone of her voice.  She spoke in a soft monotone that she could understand might bore people and keep them at a “safe” emotional distance. What she professed to want, namely an intimate relationship, was precisely what she was unconsciously defending herself against.

We can’t trust the psyche that wishes to avoid discomfort and distress and numbs itself  with substances like food, drugs, or alcohol, and denies the potential lethality of these addictions. (For more on addiction please see the post of February 24.)

By contrast the psyche that says we need to probe to the root of the matter is trustworthy.

Conclusion: We have to keep an open eye and mind and to recognize the complexity and trickiness of our psyches.

Dear Reader: I look forward to your comments.

Jsimon145@gmail.com

The Splits in our Mind and in our World

Splitting, also called all-or-nothing thinking, is the failure to bring together the positive and negative qualities into a cohesive whole,  whether they belong to ourselves, another person, or a situation in the world. Instead, we see the extreme: the division into “all good” or “all bad.”

Underlying the splitting mechanism is the mind’s tendency to simplify to find quick and easy solutions. B contrast, living with uncertainty, a condition we humans find very difficult, increases anxiety.

However, over-utilized, this defense can interfere with daily functioning. Rapid shifts in perceptions lead to erratic behavior that is described as a feature of borderline personality disorder.

At the outset of psychotherapy, Mr. M. spoke about his son in glowing terms. Some time later, his viewpoint shifted to the opposite position, and he began to treat his son disrespectfully.

Splitting begins early In life when the infant isn’t yet able to integrate the aspects of the parents who both gratify (good) and frustrate (bad).  Developmental factors in the environment perpetuate the use of this less-than-ideal defense that blocks out the subtleties and fails to integrate the various positions. For example, parents (or care-takers) split and pass down the tendency to their children. Labeling (as discussed in last week’s blog) is a superficial manifestation of splitting. For example, one child in the family is tagged as the “brain,” while a sibling is “the beauty.” A more accurate, although less dramatic perception is to view the child with his own unique intelligence and attractiveness.

Ted Cruz, senator of Texas employs this rabble-rousing technique in bashing other members of the Republican party and the government in general. Reporters describe his appeal as pleasing the crowd by “feeding them red meat.”

By contrast, communist Cuba has resolved competing philosophies by incorporating private enterprise and thereby lessening the divide between communism and capitalism. This example supports that the integration of opposites often improves functioning.

The split between psychotherapist and patient isn’t as wide as it seems, either. Similar to the patient, the therapist must participate in the process of self-discovery and self-observation, which in turn, supports the therapeutic relationship.

Each of us uses splitting as a defense at times, and we benefit from recognizing that this mechanism can interfere with the integrity of our minds and our world.

Conclusion: Recognizing the limitations of “splitting” as a defense mechanism can benefit us and our world.

Dear Reader, I welcome your opinions.

www.jsimon145@gmail.com

Labels: Pros and Cons

We yearn to simplify our complex world. The act of labeling is an attempt along these lines. Labels stream-line our existence like drive-through delis and banks.

 

We assume that a label portends stability- its function is to define- and for the most part, definitions of words are constant. But quite often, a label isn’t stable at all, but subject to change, and instead of directing us, leads us astray, like a wayward horse.

Some old labels, like “Stalinist” resurfaced when the renowned folk singer Pete Seeger died in January at age 94. Dylan Matthews  of The Washington Post, tweeted,  “I love and will miss Pete Seeger but let’s not gloss over that fact that he was an actual Stalinist.”

Another voice, reflecting the change with time, softened the label’s harshness.  Bhaskar Sunkara of Portside Moderator wrote,  “Time after time American Communists such as Seeger were on the right side of history,”

Seeger endured several episodes of  labeling (name-calling) throughout the years, and fortunate for us all, he had the courage to persist in his goal to make the world a better place for everyone.

But we’ve also read in the press about young people, teenagers and college students, who, unable to stand up for themselves,  have committed suicide in the face of a “negative” label. In other words, labels possess the power to kill.

In less extreme cases, labels lead to expectations. Children in the school system are vulnerable to such tags: gifted vs. average vs. mentally-challenged. Most children accept these designations and perform accordingly.

When I was a  junior high school  student, I was placed in the “gifted” class.  Plagued with self doubt, I asked to be transferred to the classroom of “average” students.  I was surprised when,  instead of my usual A’s, I received B’s. I knew the quality of my work hadn’t changed, and I questioned the teacher. She explained that students in the “average” class are given B’s. Of course I quickly realized the fallacy of labels in this situation and asked to be returned to the “gifted” class where I once again received A’s.

In terms of psychiatric labels, the use of the diagnosis borderline personality disorder,  has undergone drastic changes.  In the 1970’s, the patient wasn’t informed about the diagnosis which implied severe difficulties inherent in the treatment with a guarded prognosis.  Matters have changed today, thanks in good part to Marsha Linehan’s writings on treating this disorder that have modified the past outlook of doom and gloom.

On occasion, a person consulting with me for the first time, will deliver the message, “I’ve been diagnosed as ‘borderline,’ with the equanimity of a weather report. In my experience, the implication of this diagnosis and its prognosis, varies from person to person, almost to the point of rendering the diagnostic “label” useless.

Conclusion: We must deal with labels everyday but keep an open mind, to mull over the mutability of labels, and think outside the box.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your opinions. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Facing Addiction is an Act of Heroism

 Philip Seymour Hoffman,  who died from an overdose of heroin on February 2  was a great actor, but he suffered  in order to bring the roles of tortured characters to life.. In spite of the trappings of brilliance and success, Hoffman suffered and escaped his discomfort in a destructive way.

Psychological suffering lies at the core of addiction, the invisible, deep-seated, intense psychic pain that (mercifully) many of us can’t understand or imagine. (People experiencing intense psychological pain often wish for a physical illness, a visible sign that they are suffering).

 The tragic loss of a talented actor uncovers the horrors of addiction. Numerous articles have appeared in the press describing the resurgence and changing pattern of heroin and prescription drug abuse. Twenty years ago an addicted person would use heroin. Today, depending on availability, users switch between expensive prescription pain killers referred to by some as “heroin-lite” and inexpensive heroin. (The New York Times, February 11).

The change comes with repercussions. Given the availability of choice, a drug user is less likely to go through a period of withdrawal and instead, switches from one drug to another. Without a drug-free period, he’s more likely to remain permanently addicted and lost to himself.

Addiction is one of the most tragic and horrific illnesses known to humankind. Outside observers may have difficulty understanding and identifying with addiction. An immediate response is obvious-just don’t do it. But the matter is not simple.

Caught in addiction’s grip, a person often has little or no awareness that he is hooked, that he has lost perspective of his life and responsibilities, and is in danger of dying. He has been swallowed up by the habit he denies. He has crossed the boundary of caring into the land of oblivion.

People who care and depend on the addicted person, are often unable to help. Without his cooperation, no one can change the deadly tide of the invisible struggle.

Factors in the environment contribute too. In the past, an individual’s basic needs in his early life may not have been met.  He may have experienced mental or physical abuse.

In the present, he may want to escape his painful reality.

The good news is that addiction is no longer viewed solely as a character defect. (The fault lies not in the stars but in the neurochemistry.) Some of us will never become addicted; others are vulnerable from an early age and struggle against the temptation all their lives.

Most of us have a switch that tells us when we’ve had enough booze, for example. But the individual prone to addiction lacks that mechanism. Instead, his inner voice says, “Wow, this feels good. Let’s have some more.” This message leads to the dangerous state of oblivion.

An example of a person who achieved sobriety after many years of treatment is Mr. L.  His wealthy family focused on their business, and spent little time with him, unaware of his emotional needs. Although they met his material needs with money, he felt emotionally deprived. In order to numb his psychological distress, he began drinking in high school. He spent years in and out of programs before he was able to take responsibility. His recovery in part depended on recognizing and accepting his parents’ emotional limitations to “love.”  Eventually he was able to experience gratitude and appreciation for their help in getting good therapy.

In approaching an addicted person, these pointers may help:

1. Don’t judge but listen. Try to understand, not punish. Increasing the addicted person’s guilt is counter-productive, causing more distress from which he wants to escape.

2.Help the addicted person recognize that lessening the demands on himself is better than having to narcotize the discomfort.

Facing addiction is an act of heroism. Remaining addicted is antiheroic, involving failure to take responsibility, and often blaming others. He (and his actions) deplete(s) others too. (For more on Heroism and Anti-heroism please refer to the blog post of February 17).

Conclusion: Chemistry underlies the potential for addiction.

Many addicted persons betray themselves and others in attempting to escape from deep-seated suffering no matter what the origin. The goal for the addicted person and for us is to address and help relieve the underlying psychological suffering.

Dear Reader, I welcome your response.

Jsimon145@gmail.com

Heroes and Heroism on Presidents’ Day

On Presidents’ Day it seems appropriate to address the topic of heroism. 

Heroism involves a behavior or action on behalf of another person or for a moral cause.

Heroes overcome hardships, take responsibility for their actions, develop their unique talents and gifts and use them to serve others.

Heroic acts are performed voluntarily without recompense or material gain. Usually some kind of risk is involved, either physical or social to serve people or communities.

(Among our presidents, ranked at the top of the list of great heroes are George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Franklin D. Roosevelt.)

Pete Seeger, folk singer and champion of progressive causes, who died at age 94 on January 28, was a hero. He was an unofficial ambassador for democracy and peace, a political activist, who sang all over the world, uplifting and uniting us in melody and feelings of togetherness. “His cultural mission was democratic...and political too.” (The New York Times, Jan. 29, A20).

By contrast, the antihero fails to take responsibility and blames other people for his misery. He (and his actions) deplete(s) others too. (More than likely, everyone has lived  through moments of heroism and anti-heroism!)

We don’t all have to be heroes in the traditional or historical sense. But we can channel the spirit of heroism through our own acts of personal discovery. Entering uncharted territory of the psyche, acknowledging and owning our authenticity, involves the heroic qualities of courage, focus, dedication and determination.

For some people life is so difficult that getting out of bed each day is an act of heroism. Someone who has been addicted to drugs or alcohol may have to make the heroic effort to remain sober.

Seeds of heroism reside in the discovery and development of our unique talents, whether recognized by the world or not. (I am grateful to be privy to the lives of many people who become heroes and heroines in their struggle for authenticity, for the love (by which I mean positive attachments) they have shown to help their families, friends, colleagues and more.)

Conclusion: We’re heroes when we face our fears, take responsibility for our lives and develop our unique gifts and talents to contribute to the world.

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome. Jsimon145@gmail.com

The Arduous Road to Authenticity

In the last two blogs I wrote about the benefits of authenticity. But the human condition is complicated. We don’t live in isolation but in communities of relationships.

Some people find themselves in circumstances that don’t allow them to express their true nature without the threat of (serious) consequences. Although authenticity is a goal, an individual needs to be aware of the prohibitive, and even punitive, factors in the environment.

For example, Ms. F., a member of the first generation in this country is expected by her parents’ to follow the customs practiced in their old country. They want her to marry a man within her community, at a young age, and bear many children. Her parents have threatened to ostracize her if she deviates from this path.

When Ms. R. married a man of a different race, her family disowned her. She endured a decade of isolation from them before they relented and resumed contact with her and her new family.

Beyond the family bonds there are cultural mores.  To express deviance may place an individual at greater risk than ostracism. In many parts of the world, including the U.S.A., gay people have been victims of physical and psychological abuse.

Frank Bruni  (“Love, Death and Sochi,” The New York Times, February 4) cites the example of Roger in Cameron, Africa where homosexuality is treated as a crime. Roger openly expressed his love to a man in text messages and as a result, was imprisoned. As a result, he ultimately lost his life. “When he shared what was in his heart, his future was gone,” Bruni writes.

Isolation may result from the lack of opportunity to express one’s true self and lead to  depression with symptoms of hopelessness, lack of energy, difficulty sleeping and trouble concentrating.

The following steps can help:

1. The individual can discuss the matter with the family, to see if they will understand and accept him.

2. The individual can seek support and understanding from others, like friends and/or a psychotherapist.

3. The individual can put psychological and/or physical distance between herself and her family and/or community. (I.e., relocate to a more accepting environment.)

Conclusion: An individual needs to be aware of the impediments in the environment that curtail the expression of authenticity, and choose accordingly.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts and experiences. Jsimon145@gmail.com

Psyche, Stress, and Selye

The great Hungarian endocrinologist Hans Selye (b.1907) began his studies on rats. Ten years later, he turned his interest and  observations to humans, recognizing that general symptoms like fever and aches were common to many “sicknesses,” He surmised that the body responded to an irritant or illness in a similar manner, no matter what the cause, and that doctors, accordingly, tended to prescribe general treatments such as rest and good nutrition regardless of the diagnosis,

Although Dr. Selye focused on physiology and the body, he understood that his observations applied to encompass the psyche too. He said, “Find your own stress level-the speed at which you can run toward your own goal. ...Make sure that both the stress level and the goal are really your own, and not imposed upon you by society, for only you yourself can know what you want and how fast you can accomplish it.”

He elaborated, saying, ”There is no point in forcing a turtle to run like a race horse or in preventing a race horse from running faster than a turtle because of some ‘moral obligation.’ The same is true of people.”

Selye’s advice coincides with last week’s blog post (“Voices Outside and Inside our Heads”). Sorting out and heeding our inner voice(s) is essential to diminish the stress on our bodies. Living our authentic self (i.e., a turtle like a turtle and not a race horse) rewards us with energy and the joy of developing and sharing our unique talents.

Everyone copes with and confronts (his own authentic) obstacles along the way. Selye noted a surprising one. He said, ”If I had known more, I would never have asked myself questions.” Although we commonly assume that the more we know the better, Selye viewed knowledge as an obstacle. The point is that no matter what the obstacle(s), confronting it (them) is an important step of the journey.

Mr. A.’s obstacle was fear. He backed away from a promising career because he was afraid of failure, and then was afraid to tell his peers that he had given up his profession. He continued to withdraw from everyone and everything. And he suffered from one physical illness after the next.  His life remained on hold until he faced his fears.

As usual, the message is clear and easy to vociferate, but complex and tough to apply.

1.     Listen to the inner voice (the one that often speaks loudest in silent moments.)

2.     Face your obstacles with honesty.

Conclusion: Over 100 years ago, the great physiologist recognized the intimate connection between our body and our psyche. Our physical health depends on discovering who we are (our true self) beyond the expectations of cultural factors and other people. An authentic existence is vital to good physical health.

Dear Reader, Your comments are welcome. Jsimon145@gmail.com