A Gift Free to Give (with Effort)

An aspect of human nature is to want to help others; a beneficent act can be as simple as assisting a blind person across the street, or as self-sacrificing as donating an organ.

In between these extremes, lies the vast and treacherous land of interpersonal relationships, a multi-layered terrain rippled by an awareness of self and others. Each of us harbors blind spots. We simply are not always conscious of how our words and/or actions impact others. Ideally, we help each other by increasing awareness.

Feedback can be as simple as a comment like, “I think the green dress becomes you better than the yellow one.” On a deeper, delicate level, we can point to a behavior that may work against a person’s goals.

Steve Jobs, the founder and mastermind of Apple Computers, exemplifies someone who would have benefited if he’d been able to heed feedback from friends regarding his verbal abuse. Instead he alienated some who tried to help him.

Many years ago my brother Bob pointed out that I seemed oblivious to the discomfort I was causing my sister-in-law in pursuing a family matter.

“You don’t seem aware of her Achilles heel,” Bob said.

“Really!’ I answered. Fortunately I felt more surprised and curious than insulted or defensive. I recognized the value of his feedback. His goal wasn’t to wound but to heal, to make me a better, more aware person.

The task to guide another person isn’t easy. Whether an individual will respond with openness or defensiveness, is almost impossible to predict. To couch a message in words that express caring and concern (vs. cutting criticism) is essential. Hurting someone’s feelings could complicate or jeopardize a relationship.

Putting yourself in the other person’s position (to imagine how you’d feel) can be helpful. Posing a question is another tactic that can soften a blow. (For example, “Have you ever thought about psychotherapy for yourself?”)

Conclusion: We each possess an invaluable tool to guide one another on the playing field of life.

Dear Reader, I welcome your feedback. Jsimon145@gmail.com.