On the
battlefield, of course, empathy is, by necessity, suspended; a soldier has to
deny empathic feelings or he would not be able to fight. In ordinary life, we
naturally gravitate toward empathic people, and intuitively shun those who fail
to put themselves in our shoes.
Lack of
empathy explains (at least partially) the development of the sociopathic
individual who is able to detect the emotions of other people without
experiencing the reciprocal emotion or sympathy. He uses his diabolical skill
to exploit unsuspecting individuals.
The theme
of Hansel and Gretel, the classic German fairy tale story, recorded by the
Grimm brothers, resonates with children’s fears of indifferent caretakers
throughout the ages. A wicked step
mother, plots to abandon her step children in the forest. In spite of her
blatant lack of empathy, they endure and survive.
We
naturally learn empathy when we’re shown empathy in our early years. Parents
(caretakers) can be well meaning and good-intentioned, but if they don’t know
how to express compassion, an important tool is absent from the tool box of
parenting skills and the children invariably suffer some consequences, e.g.,
confusion, conflict, low self esteem.
“How do
you think Johnie feels when you hit him?” is a question a parent asks their
toddler in the playground in an attempt to teach empathy.
The
empathic caretaker responds to the child. “I’m so sorry you skinned your knee.
Does it hurt? Let’s wash it and put a Band-Aid on it.”
By
contrast, the indifferent or unfeeling caretaker criticizes, “You fell down
again! You should be more careful.”
In the
latter case, the child learns to tune out his feelings and vulnerabilities. He is
likely to develop narcissistic tendencies, becoming indifferent to the feelings
and needs of other people. Because he has experienced the world of others as
dangerous and uncaring, he feels alone with the need to fend for himself.
The cycle
perpetuates itself. People who were raised without the luxury of empathy, don’t
know how to treat their children empathically and may expect the child to take
care of their personal, parental needs. The child inevitably fails to meet
their expectations and may be psychologically or even physically abused.
Alice
Miller’s seminal book, The Drama of the Gifted Child elucidates the dynamics of
child rearing devoid of empathy, and shows how this lack perpetuates itself generation after
generation, but can be altered with psychoanalysis. Heinz Kohut expanded
Freud’s work which focused on conflicts between the ego and id and the
resulting guilt. Kohut’s books deal with shame originating in the younger or
pre-oedipal child, stemming from lack of empathy.
I had a
rewarding experience as a psychotherapist/psychoanalyst during the long term
treatment of a person who had been severely physically and emotionally abused early
in life. For several years, he saw others as victimizing him. Gradually he was
able to develop empathic feelings for people around him. Recognizing that he
had projected feelings from the past onto people in the present, he extricated
himself from the victim role.
With
compassion from others and a willingness to become self-aware, empathy can be
taught, but the process can take a long time.
I raise some
questions. Does empathy have a role to play in prisons? Can we show empathy or
try to teach empathy in the prisons? Does lack of empathy contribute to the fact that some
prisoners emerge as more hardened criminals? Is compassion responsible for helping some become
caring citizens?
Should we
consider constructing computers to teach us about empathy and how to become
less war-like?
Dear
Reader, Please share your experiences and opinions on this vital, far-ranging
subject. (jsimon145@gmail.com)
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