Giving and Gratitude

 Giving extends beyond material gifts. 

Helping a blind person across the street or catching a stranger’s attention to tell her she dropped her glove is a way of giving.

When we give a gift which meets the recipients’ needs, their delight lifts our spirits. The acts of giving and receiving nurture, sustain and enrich everyone.

Sometimes we don’t have the choice but have to give (at Christmas time, to the building superintendent, out of obligation). This kind of giving doesn’t nurture the heart and soul and may cause resentment. We’d do well to alter our lives to include as few of these situations as possible; however, this kind of obligated giving is often necessary. In many human societies, the act of mutually exchanging money, goods, etc. may contribute to social cohesion.

Gift giving has an extensive history, stretching back to before recorded time, when it was common for ancient cultures to give each other food or animal pelts to signify an event like a wedding. During the early days of the Roman Republic, citizens exchanged evergreen branches and sweet cakes on the Winter Solstice to symbolize a wish for prosperity in the coming year. In the Christian religion, the story of the three wise men who brought gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to the baby Jesus has set the example for people to bestow presents on each other.

Though originally not a traditional part of the Jewish celebration of Chanukkah, the practice of gift giving has been added to prevent children from envying the presents their Christian friends receive.

According to Judaic principles and practice, anonymous giving is the highest form of contributing. The giver doesn’t ask for recognition or appreciation.

My own life has been marked by a complex relationship with giving and receiving. In my early 30s, I suffered from depression. My psychoanalyst, Dr. Van Bark, helped me unearth feelings of deprivation I’d kept buried since childhood.  I was raised by an intelligent single parent mother, overwhelmed with raising five children, who didn’t have the time or luxury to respond to my complex emotional needs.

I envied my colleagues who seemed to have more supportive parents and I envied them for having intact families. Envy fed my feelings of deprivation. To feel abundance required therapy and time for me to acknowledge what my parents gave and couldn’t give.

My emotions registered what I’d missed - the subtleties of understanding and empathy. Feelings of deprivation interfered with an appreciation of the gifts I’d received: food, clothing, shelter, medical care, education.

A person in the throes of a manic episode may not have a realistic sense of what he can afford to give. If he depletes himself of basic necessities, money to pay rent and buy food, he’ll need charity himself. In the long run, this kind of imbalance doesn’t help anyone.

In Charles Dickens’s classic story A Christmas Carol, Scrooge hates Christmas because he can’t give. Rich in material goods, he’s impoverished emotionally because he was traumatized by a difficult childhood. He’s transformed by nightmares of the terrible fate awaiting him in the future (the royal road to the unconscious once again) that will come to pass if he doesn’t change. Ultimately the nightmares have an effect on Scrooge, who awakens and becomes a generous man.

I will never forget a very sad patient who couldn’t reveal her entire story because she said it was too tragic. She insisted she was searching for a KEY to help her resolve her distress.

I tried to assure her that the issue is not a key, but the step by step process of therapy which leads to understanding. My explanation failed to impress her and she left therapy. By the time she returned for a follow-up session a few years later, I’d discovered the Key of Gratitude.

 “You know, you were right. There is a key. The key of gratitude opens many doors,” I said, thrilled to share my discovery with her.

   

Her lips turned up in a slow smile, as if to say she knew it all along.  “I’m so glad to hear you say that!” she said. Serenity, like the scent of a lovely perfume, wafted through the room.

I wondered if she was another human angel blessing my life, arriving at a moment to complete a cycle, resonating through the invisible layers of  connectedness among us.

Conclusion: As bleak as matters may be, finding something for which we are grateful opens doors to abundance.

Real giving comes from the heart, from a feeling of abundance and gratitude. In these situations the giver is also the recipient. 

Dear Reader: I welcome your comments. (jsimon145@gmail.com)