The Bridge from Judgment to Nurturance: Considering the Pope’s Message

Recently, Pope Francis surprised much of the world by advising that the Catholic Church  nurture rather than judge single parents, gay people and unmarried straight couples who are living together.

 

Although he was referring to the church’s stance on marriage and divorce, his message has far-ranging implications and builds a bridge between the land of religion and  the land of psychology.

There are probably infinite ways to apply his  philosophy of replacing judgment with nurturance in our everyday life.  A valuable exercise would be to list various circumstances to which his words apply in our personal lives.

Here are some on my list:

 1.Reconsider the word ‘"lazy." Let’s try to understand what lies beneath the disparaging label. Behind inaction  often lurks a fear of one kind or another. Some of us even fear failure and success simultaneously.

For example, Ms. K. said to me, “If they like my sculpture, I fear I’ll ultimately disappoint them with my next piece.”

With this sort of thought fixated in a person’s mind, the safest course of action is inaction which can resemble the judgmental word, "lazy."

 2.  We often judge a person on the basis of intelligence, but it is more helpful to nurture someone’s  (especially a child’s) interests and curiosity. For instance, Einstein didn’t speak until he was 4 years old and people assumed he wasn’t smart. Recently, the psychologist Angela Duckworth has identified grit, a combination of passion and perseverance, as being more significant  than I.Q in predicting achievement.  Acknowledging the fact that each of us has our own gifts helps to replace judgment with nurturance.

3. We judge mistakes...even make fun of ourselves and others. A better tactic is to look beyond the error and learn from it. Remembering that Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin from a mistake when his Petri dish became contaminated by a mold supports the idea that we learn from what seems like a mistake or accident.

4. In the past, depression and addiction were judged as a weakness in character.   Now we that these disorders stem from biochemical imbalances that require treatment. 

5. Instead of judging overweight friends, we can nurture their efforts to exercise and adjust their diets.

How do we cross the bridge from judgment to nurturance? Realizing that the passage of time alters the terrain and changes public and private perceptions can help lead to progress and peace.

Conclusion: To apply the Pope’s words to a diversity of situations enhances life on our planet. 

Dear Reader, I hope you’ll try the exercise for yourself. Please share your examples and experience. jsimon145@gmail.com

The Double Vision of Blind Faith

Faith is blind when we believe in something unseen without any or sufficient evidence. Underlying many of our actions is our belief that it will lead to the desired goal.

Many people  act as if they don’t believe (or accept) that exercise and a balanced diet lead to better health and a sense of well-being (although evidence exists). 

It is as if they practice 'blind faith' until they experience the holistic benefits themselves.

What we regard as “blind faith” is personal and may change with time like fashions. The great scientist Louis Pasteur tried to explain the invisible contamination by microbes. “The world into which you wish to take us is really too fantastic,” the French newspaper La Presse printed in 1860. Pasteur began to devise tests to prove his belief that air contained living organisms invisible to the naked eye.

At times, a story demands more credibility than we can muster, so we change some of the details to reconcile ourselves to the “truth.” Mr. J., a Christian, had to reframe for himself the concept of Christ and the crucifixion to render it credible. He was able to accept that Christ was crucified, not for the reasons often accepted, but for the fact that Jesus was a political dissident.

Mary Karr, American poet, essayist and memoirist, surprised her friends when she turned to Jesus 20 years ago. “Wouldn’t you give a crutch to a one-legged man?” she answered by posing a question.

For me, Karr's metaphor of a one-legged-person is apt and applies to many. Most of us are crippled to a greater or lesser degree by life’s imperfect circumstances; suffering and loss is inherent. In addition, the human condition is riddled with paradoxes and contradictions. Belief or faith can help us keep our balance on the rocky terrain of life. But the matter is a tricky one. Do we use our faith to pave the way for possibilities for all, or to judge and destroy others?

I can’t end this blog without addressing the elephant in the room—the blind faith of the terrorist suicide bombers. In Islamic practice, a person killed in jihad (the militaristic practice of murdering disbelievers) is believed to become a martyr who achieves a special status in paradise. Clearly, there can never be a proof for this conviction.

Conclusion: In truth, blind faith has the power to both save and kill. At times, a belief morphs to perceptible reality, as in the case of Pasteur, whose faith in science and the power of observation led to discoveries and improved our lives in remarkable ways.

Dear Reader, I look forward to your comments. jsimon145@gmail.com.

Images: How They Help and Hinder

The impression we present of ourselves in society and the way we perceive ourselves can be summed up with the word “image.” Ideally,  our internal and external images coincide. If we’re unaware of the disparity, we may suffer the consequences.

Some of struggle to present ourselves in society, even while we acknowledge the necessity of doing so. The author Anne Morrow Lindbergh expressed the chore in the 1955 inspirational book, A Gift from the Sea. “The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere. That is why so much of social life is exhausting, one is wearing a mask,” she wrote.

Some of us have a need to present ourselves in an idealized light— even when they have already achieved success. For example, the Pulitzer-prize winning poet Robert Frost claimed that his classic poem, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening had been dashed off in one sitting; years later, his notes showed many revisions. In spite of his self-portrayal as genius poet, he wasn’t above the need to edit his work.

Many people suffer from feelings of the imposter syndrome, a term coined by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne A. Imes in 1978  to refer to  feelings of self- doubt in high achievers who don’t (completely) internalize their accomplishments. It is estimated that 70% of us have moments  of self-doubt.

 Unless we’re master manipulators, mavericks or geniuses possessing the courage of our own conviction, we’re more or less vulnerable to others’ perceptions of us.

For example, Ms. K. was depressed to the point that she had lost touch with her identity as an artist. Psychotherapy helped her pinpoint an explanation: the constant criticism of her spouse had caused her to feel inadequate. Gradually the depression lifted; she reconnected with her image as an artist and began to sculpt again.

The false image of self-confidence can be extreme, as portrayed by Edward Arlington Robinson in his 1897 poem, “Richard Cory”.

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,

We people on the pavement looked at him:

He was a gentleman from sole to crown,

Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,

And he was always human when he talked;

But still he fluttered pulses when he said,

"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich—yes, richer than a king—

And admirably schooled in every grace:

In fine, we thought that he was everything

To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,

And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,

Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Conclusion: Success often depends on our ability to present a socially acceptable image. Ideally, our social image aligns with our authentic self or essence.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. jsimon145@gmail.com

Betrayal (Some Thoughts)

Recently, a patient who had been in treatment for over a year  confessed to me that she’d been using illicit drugs the entire time. Of course, her behavior embodied a kind of betrayal to herself and to the relationship. 

Although I felt misled, her life was impacted to a far greater extent than mine. In the therapeutic relationship when a patient/client deceives her psychotherapist, she undermines her investment of time and money, and diverts herself from the path of authenticity and progress to travel the treacherous road of deception and duplicity.

Nevertheless, her disclosure struck me like a sucker punch in the gut. Why? I wanted to believe in her. And I had to admit that to some degree I’d allowed myself to be deceived. 

In the new book, The Confidence Game,  Maria Konnikova

sums up the relationship between the betrayer and the betrayed. She describes the situation as “a delicate dance of duplicity, ambition, desire, and greed” and says that we want to believe in the truth because “basic human nature renders us uniquely vulnerable: the deception begins with us and our need to believe in a world that is better—for us—than it was a moment before.”

In everyday life we betray ourselves by breaking a diet or, more seriously, using illicit drugs. Or we can berate ourselves all our lives for a small moment in our past when we failed to live up to proper decorum.

Reviewing the annuals of history, we learn that the theme of betrayal has roiled our human roots since the beginning of time, when the serpent betrayed God by tempting Eve to eat the fruit from the Tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Since then, this violation of trust has pervaded our daily lives, from small to life-threatening events. 

The quote, “All is fair in love and war,” (or more precisely “the rules of fair play do not apply in love and war”) goes back as far as the sixteenth century to a novel written by John Lyly. In other words,  betrayal, an ingrained and ubiquitous phenomenon, is to be expected in these circumstances. Of course, the adage has often been used to justify “bad” behavior.

Betrayal often begets betrayal. If we’ve been betrayed in the past, we’re more likely to betray others in the present.  A tragic example is child abuse.  When a person is abused in childhood, he’s  likely to abuse his own child.

Glancing through the retro-spectroscope of our lives can be tricky. It may at times constitute a kind of (mini-)self-betrayal if we fail to take into consideration the circumstances that applied then. An 88-year-old man cogitates about his predicament years ago after his father died and his mother needed his attention. As a young man struggling to make a living, he couldn’t give her all the time she craved. He occasionally suffers from guilt now and does well to remember he did the best he could given the situation in the past.

Conclusion: We do well to keep in mind the ubiquitous nature of betrayal that has been with us since the beginning of time and to recognize our capacity to betray and be betrayed.

Dear Reader, I welcome your comments. drsimonsays.blogspot.com

In the Company of Loneliness

When I first began to write this blog, I Googled the topic of loneliness. To my surprise, I found nearly 400 titles on the subject.  Apparently, most literary classics deal with this theme in one form or another.

The American writer and film maker Orson Welles once said, “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” But aloneness, a physical state, is distinct from the psychological state of loneliness.

A person can be alone without being lonely, which implies feelings of loss or alienation. And vice versa: a person may be with others, and paradoxically, experience deep feelings of loneliness if involved in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand or accept her essential nature, including, at times, feelings of loneliness.

Many of us experience loneliness during periods of transition, like a relocation, separation, or divorce.  For example, in the movie Brooklyn, currently in  the theatres and based on the novel by the renowned writer Irish writer Colm Toibin, a young Irish emigre experiences homesickness, a form of loneliness, until she falls in love.

Persistent loneliness relates to a person’s past relationships and present expectations. For example, Ms. R. was raised by immigrant parents who relied on their children for companionship. As a result, she may have felt burdened by intimacy. She didn’t find a man with whom she wanted to settle down and raise a family, However, she was content with holiday  get-togethers with her nieces and nephews and didn’t suffer regrets or feelings of loneliness.

By contrast, Mr. K. was brought up in a family of three children. As the middle child, he perceived his older and younger siblings as his parents’ favorites. As a result, he felt lonely at an early age. He assumed he’d find a mate, but none of his relationships led to marriage and family, and he experienced deep feelings of loneliness and isolation.

We may be surprised by some uncommon relationships that obviate loneliness.  In her 1973 book,  Journal of a Solitude, the American writer May Sarton wrote,

“Yet I taste life fully only when I am alone here, and the house and I resume old conversation.”  The writer’s house whom she names “Nelson,” becomes her significant other, her bridegroom, an alternative to a real person.

The great British writer Virginia Woolf purposely exposed herself to loneliness in order to create.  She loved the quiet of her lodge at Monk's House. She wrote in her diary: "Often down here I have entered into a sanctuary; a nunnery; had a religious retreat; of great agony once; and always some terror; so afraid one is of loneliness.... of seeing to the bottom of the vessel....”

Some people, however, don’t relish the prospect of aloneness. The great American composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein (1918-1990) suffered in solitude, a necessary state of aloneness for the creative process to bloom. He asked himself again and again whether he should devote his energies to composing or to conducting.

In a 1939 letter he wrote to a college roommate: "You may remember my chief weakness — my love for people. I need them all the time — every moment. It's something that perhaps you cannot understand: but I cannot spend one day alone without becoming utterly depressed."

To compose Bernstein had to endure a loneliness that he found nearly unbearable.

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone,” Paul Tillich (1886-1965), the German American theologian-writer, sums up the difference in a few wise words.

Conclusion: Loneliness is a ubiquitous human emotion that most of us experience during brief periods of transition. However, when unresolved, it can interfere with our lives.

Dear Reader, Please feel free to share your experiences. jsimon145@gmail.com

The Power of the Limbic Brain

In the course of reading about the brain, I realized that the role the limbic system plays in our daily lives (and has played in mine) is often underestimated.

The Limbic system is the collective name for a complex of fibers and gray matter (neurons/cells) that relay and interpret emotional information to the neo-cortex above and the reptilian brain below. (addressed in my blog of December 28).

Layered between the seat of survival and the cap of contemplation, it is responsible for the variety of feelings and emotions that bind us together in families, nations, and the world.  Passion, the motor that drives a person to remember and create, lie within these tracts and cells.  (This vital part of the brain conveys pleasure to me when the ideas in a blog coalesce and flow.)

On the side of caution, however, the cells in the limbic system get fooled when people become addicted to hard drugs.  At first, these chemicals of abuse produce an intense pleasurable reaction, but ultimately, they flood the receptors of the cells to which they attach, and in the process, destroy them. The tragic result is that the addicted person can’t experience pleasure again, either naturally or chemically.

An over-reactive limbic system is the current explanation for episodes of panic and anxiety. For example,  Mr. N., a Broadway star, was about to perform for a famous conductor when he suddenly forgot the lyrics.

 “I knew every word before I got on stage, “ he said.

Such is the power of the limbic system that can stymie us at significant moments. The good news is that the reaction is temporary. Grasping the thought behind the panic can liberate a person from his brain chains.

 Getting lost on a road trip causes me to panic. By contrast, my brother views loosing his way as an adventure. Reframing my thoughts to regard getting lost as adventure, not disaster, lessens my anxiety and I’m more likely to find my way.

Conclusion: Feelings and emotions that motivate or paralyze us lie within the limbic system. Our awareness that our emotional life colors our performance can liberate us from some brain chains.

Dear Reader, Please share how recognizing the power of your limbic system can or has changed your life.

jsimon145@gmail.com

The Terrorist and Us

Definitions for terrorism vary with the changing perspectives of  history and politics. For the sake of argument, let’s define terrorism as the use of force and violence to intimate, frighten or harass innocent people, often for reasons connected to an aim. Tragically, terrorism exists in one form or another in many, if not all, countries.

Motivation may be religious, political, a mix of the two, or neither. Hate crimes are a kind of terrorism. Terrorists kill or assault people, inspiring fear in many more potential victims. On occasion, a terrorist may even be an individual filled with rage for his own personal reasons.

In the act of terrorizing, the terrorist feels powerful. Although he often dies, he’s experienced moments of glory. Furthermore, he believes he’s achieved immortality. At the very least, he’s beyond the predicament of human suffering.

We can’t expect the terrorist to own the thoughts that drive him. By definition, he’s abandoned the course of reflection in favor of  violent action. But we can understand the dynamics undergirding his need to destroy.

“The road to creativity passes so close to the madhouse and often detours or ends there... Man cannot endure his own littleness unless he can translate it into meaningfulness on the largest possible level,” Ernest Becker wrote in his Pulitzer-prize winning book in 1974, The Denial of Death.

Becker’s wise words sum up our human dilemma. Each of us is going to die. The inevitability of death drives us to choose a path to create and/or destroy. We can acknowledge that it is immortality that each of us seeks and that (often unconsciously) motivates the terrorist.

Although the terrorist operates in the world to destroy, we can grapple and grope at home to find ways to connect others to the positive power of caring. We can probe our psyches to find ways to help the potential terrorist to develop an inner life and travel the positive road to creativity.

Ah, for evolution to come soon and help us connect the disparate dots that connect us to our humanity.

Dear Reader, I welcome your thoughts. jsimon145@gmail.com